Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

on a plane

They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.

4G must've fried their brains.

I’m not sure what surprised him most: my nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives.

One goes *ba dum tiss*, the other is da bum kiss.

They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night. "I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner. The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door. "I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me." "No problem," says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. "There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings." "I will go then, friends," says the Jehovah's Witness, and he proceeds to the barn. A few moments later, there is a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig.

and all just because of a stupid police officer... The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car: Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!" Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything." Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?" Me: "A car." Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?" Me:"I have no idea!" Officer:"So, you're drunk." Me:"But I didn't drink anything." Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it? Me:"A motorcycle." Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?" Me:"I have no idea!" Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!" Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question. Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?" Officer:"A prostitute of course." Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?" Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans. Despite them not knowing what a Trump fan was but wanting to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well, all except for little Timmy. The teacher looks over to little Timmy and asks, “Timmy, why are you being different again?” He says, “well, because I’m not a Trump fan.” “Why aren’t you a Trump fan?” “Because I’m a democrat.” The teacher snuffs and says, “oh really? Why are you a democrat?” He responds, “well, my mom is a democrat, my dad is a democrat, so I’m a democrat.” She then says, “Oh really? Then what if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?” Little Timmy smiles and says, “a Trump fan.”

I have no idea who let her into my office.

China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway. ​ (Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!) (Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

You only need one nail to hang the picture up.

He says to the madam, "Hi, I'm a traveling salesman, I've been on the road for eight weeks. I'll pay $100 for the worst blow-job in the house." She says, "The worst...? For $100 you can have the *best* blow-job in the house!" He says, "No, it's all right, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant ...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow. 'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a candle for you,' he promises. Time passes and the priest returns to the little town after 10 years. The first thing he does is visit the couple's home. He can hear a crazy loud noise when he knocks on the door. The wife opens the door; three little children on her arms, a couple of them hiding under her skirt, and others behind her playing around. The priest counts as many as ten of them! 'Well this is quite a pleasant surprise,' exclaims the priest. 'It seems like God listened to my prayer. But where is your dear husband?' 'My husband traveled to Rome,' says the wife with a tired look on her face. 'To Rome? Why on earth would he go to Rome?' 'To blow out that bloody candle you lit!'

He asked his wife Melinda where they went, who replied that Steve Jobs showed up earlier and offered them the same work at his mansion for double their previous wage. Bill became furious. "Fucking Jobs, coming here and taking our immigrants!"

"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.

But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle

So I said: "Ok, this isn't working out."

Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese too Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its head. Farmer yells , "You deserve it, you horny bastard!" The cock slowly opens one eye, looks up at the sky and whispers , " Shhhhhh, They're about to land!!!"

A bus filled with 18 year old sheltered Catholic school girls drove off a cliff and they all died. So they all form a single file line in front of the gates of heaven and saint Peter says to the first girl "have you ever touched a man's penis?" And the girl says "yes but just with the tip of my finger" so saint Peter tells her to dip her finger into the holy water and she may pass into heaven. The next girls steps forward and Peter asks her the same question. She says "yes but only with my hand for a moment" so Peter tells her to dip her whole hand into the holy water and she may pass to heaven. Then suddenly one of the girls from the back of the line starts pushing everyone out of the way to get to the front of the line. Peter looks at her and says "what seems to be the problem?" And she says "Peter I just want to gargle some holy water before Jenny sticks her ass in it"

. The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.” He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.” The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes. The Russian says, “That, gentlemen, is courage." The American says, “That's nothing.” He calls over a PO and says, “I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return." The PO salutes, jumps off the bow, swims to the stern, and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes. The American says, “That, gentlemen, is courage." The British admiral says, “That's nothing. Sailor, come here." The matelot comes to attention and salutes. The admiral says, “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again." The matelot looks at the admiral and says, “You can fuck right off, sir!” The admiral turns to the other two and says, “And that, gentlemen, is courage."

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?! Boy: Yes... grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world! Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there! Boy: What problem?! Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother! Boy: Why not?! You married mine! Edit - thanks kind strangers for the awards! I have never gotten them before so thanks!

His ears.

An Australian goes to new Zealand and sees a guy fucking a sheep on the side of the road, he says mate, in Australia we sheer our sheep. The new Zealand guy says, fuck off, I'm not sheering her with anyone.

A redhead goes for a drive through the country, just enjoying the peaceful ride with her windows open. She has to stop as a shepherd is moving his flock across the road. The redhead gets out of her car to stretch and has an idea. "Hey Mister! If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I keep one?" The shepherd has hundreds of sheep and feels confident enough to agree. The redhead looks over the flock and says, "361." The shepherd is stunned that she guessed correctly but, being a man of his word, allows her to pick out her favorite. The redhead is about to put her new pet in her car when the shepherd calls out to her. "Hey Lady! If I can guess your real hair color, may I have my dog back?"   My sister was not amused.

It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight. I still looked confused. She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was. "Just a minute." she said and locked the door. She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra. "You like these?" I could only nod my head. She said to put the condom on. As I was putting it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down. "Come on." she said. "We don't have much time." So I climbed on her. It was so amazing that I couldn't hold back and KAPOW! I was done in two minutes! She looked at me concerned and asked, "Did you put the condom on?" I said, "I sure did!" ...and held up my thumb to show her.

Because if he chose SpaceY he’d land on 14 year old boys.

None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place. (Edit: Folks, take a breath. It is a joke.) (Edit: Thanks for the silver, gold, and plats)

Stupid firemen Edit: deleted award edit cuz I'm dumb