Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

"I'm going to take a picture of your boobs and frame it." "I think I'll take a picture of your penis and enlarge it," she replied.

Unfortunately when emerging from his tomb this year, Jesus saw his shadow... 6 more weeks of lent.

The official cause of death? Blunt force trauma.

It was petty theft

“Joooooooooooooooke.”

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. Tim was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre (crossed out) dyrea (crossed out) direathe (crossed out) the shits. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor. Maryann was absent December 11-16 because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upsent stomach. her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

My girlfriend and I have sex every day except Friday, because that is our fish and chips date night. One Friday, feeling amorous, I asked her if she wanted to come over to my plaice. "Not tonight, darling," she replied. "I have a haddock."

His ball ended up behind the greenkeepers shed. His wife said "Open the front and back doors, take out the mower and play through the shed" They do this, he lines up the shot, swings, and the ball hits the beam at the top of the door, comes back, hits his wife in the head and kills her. The man is devastated and gives up golf for years. Eventually he finds new love and decides to try golf again. By coincidence his ball ends up behind the greenkeepers shed again. His new girlfriend says "Open the doors, take out the mower and play through the shed." "No." he replies, "Last time I did that I ended up three shots over."

I guess it's just one more thing she has in common with my wife.

Turned out she was just pulling my leg

What the hell happened to my roof?!

What is a dermatologists favourite film. Star Trek II: The rash of Khan.

I am mentally unstable by design

Interviewer: “What are your strengths?” Me: “I fall asleep instantly.” Interviewer: “And your weaknesses?” Me: “…you’re gonna need to repeat the question.”

Add the NSFW tag

A shihtzu knot.

Say 'I hate happiness' without the 'H's'

So I told him it’s whats inside him that counts

It really sucks to make a difficult cut only to be kicked out later. I should know, the same thing happened to me when I converted to Judaism.

Why do meteorites always land in craters?

How dairy!

He explained to his mother what happened and she informs her grandmother arrives with a cleaver. She visits the bear in the middle of the night and shanks him in complete darkness before putting his head in the picnic basket and sending the basket to his family. Sorry kids, this is not an episode of the show Yogi bear is no longer with us And Bobo is next. Fear mother Russia

Four nuns are standing in line for confession. The first nun says, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I touched a man’s private parts.” The priest asks, “What part of your body did you use?” She replies, “My right hand.” The priest instructs her to dip her right hand in holy water and say ten Hail Marys. The second nun steps in and confesses, “I touched a man’s private parts with my left hand.” The priest gives her the same penance. As the third nun is about to enter, the fourth nun pushes ahead. The priest asks, “Why did you push ahead in line?” She responds, “Because I want to gargle the holy water before she sits in it!”

I was shock !

You will be mist.

A vegan US platoon in Vietnam could only safely eat canned beans during their deployment. What matching tattoo did they get? “Rippin’ Farts and Breaking Hearts”

I guess you had to be there

A meow-ntain.

During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis...... fifty times."

It was farfetched.