Valeness 1 mon.agoMy boss asked me why I only get sick on workdays.I said, "It’s my weekend immune system."
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In this curated list, we’ve compiled the best dad-approved one-liners, groan-worthy puns, and cheeky quips guaranteed to deliver belly laughs. Share these crowd-pleasing jokes at work, family dinners, or parties—no prescription needed!
... no canaries there either.
It's a huge missed steak.
Then we could call her Brie Brie.
I picked up a girl at the bar the other day. She took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly. I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open. "Oh shit, it's my boyfriend ! " she exclaimed "Quick, use the backdoor" . Now it's at about this time I probably should have left but you just don't get an offer like that every day.
"Oh go on, kiss me, kiss me," she insists, "No it's out of the question," said the doctor, "Why's that?" She asks disappointedly. It's completely against ethical rules," he replies, "in fact strictly speaking I shouldn't even be having sex with you."
But next weekend he's going to get hammered.
I never paid good money to have a garbanzo bean on my face!
One says “it’s hot in here”. The other dragon replies “shut your mouth”
A hendu
Eric Clapton would never let 1 kg of cocaine fall out of a window!
When hookers are giving free BJ’s just to get something warm in their stomach.
I replied, "You bet Shiraz I would!"
They have narrowed it down to death, life imprisonment, or mandatory use of United Health insurance plans.
Made a complete spectacle of myself
Before we were married she wouldn’t give me the permission…
The World's oldest World War 2 code breaker died last week at the age of 5. Correction: 101
They just got laid by some chick
She said, "Okay, do something spontaneous right now." So I panicked and proposed to a waiter. Long story short: I'm not seeing that girl anymore, but me and Greg are registered at Target.
Eggsorcism.
Then I turned 12.
Because they are hill areas
When he puts his fishing line into the hole, he hears a loud voice say "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE THERE." So he gets up, moves a short distance away, cuts another hole in the ice, and lowers in his line. Once again he hears the loud voice say "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE THERE." So he gets up again, moves a little way, cuts another hole, and lowers in his line. The voice says, even louder, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE THERE EITHER." "Who *is* that?" the ice fisherman says, looking round. "Is that God?" "NO," says the voice, "THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK."
Only real people should vote. They're theoretical.
were named Brody, Kenny, Conrad and Dominic. On a night out with with thier dad, they asked how they got thier names. The dad replied "The answer is simple. Take the first three letters of you names and put them together".
At his engagement party, the guy confided to a friend, “I turned over a new leaf and abstained from sex with my fiancée, but before that I was quite promiscuous.” Winking and gesturing, he boasted, “I’ve had sex with every female in this room except for my sister and my fiancée.” “Wow,” chuckled his friend, “between the two of us, we’ve had them all!”
"Three," I replied honestly. Apparently that was a problem.
He said, “It wasn't yours.”
A farmer has a cow with horrible diarrhea and can't figure out how to make it stop, so they call the top scientists in the area, and three respond. One suggests a diaper, but the other two dismiss the idea as preposterous. The second suggests using the results as fertilizer, but the third points out that this does not resolve the problem. The third comes up with the solution, and they all agree, a large plug. This solution works for a while until the cow begins to expand from all the compacted feces. The three scientists decide that the best solution would be to train a monkey to go in and retrieve the plug so as to avoid human injury. Later, at the hospital, the doctors ask the scientists what they remember of what happened. The first scientist describes the horrible, unbearable smell. The second scientist recalls the feeling of being drenched in thousands of pounds of cow diarrhea. When the doctor gets to the third scientist, they say, "All I remember is the poor monkey trying to put the plug back in!" Credit to u/thraway4242
I’ll never rent from them again
"This is a helluva way to spend Easter."
more jokes Here waiting for you
best dad jokesjokes for adultHere, we’ve gathered the funniest dad jokes, jokes for kids, funny jokes, witty comebacks, and hilarious memes from across the web. Whether you need stress relief, a quick laugh, or the perfect icebreaker for social situations, we’ve got you covered!
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