Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

“How are you mate?” “Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.” I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond “Get away with ya... Prove it.” I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?” He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?” EDIT: Gold already?! Thank you so much guys!!

And they started bragging to each other about their exploits Porn star 1 said: “Girls, I’m easily the biggest whore in this bar. One time I fucked a soccer team. The whole team! Including the towel boy. And I did it by sneaking into the locker room, getting naked, and then just waiting for the game to end.” Porn star 2 then said: “Pshhh! You’re a nerdy teenager compared to me. I fucked an entire fraternity when I was in college. Even the pledges. And I did it by just walking up, knocking on the front door, and asking who was ready for some fun.” Porn star 1 was taken aback... but porn star 3 didn’t even blink. She just said “girls, compared to me, you two may as well be a couple of catholic nuns. Wasn’t long ago that I fucked every man, woman, and child in these here United States. And I did it by signing a non disclosure agreement during an election year.”

Arse skin for a friend.

Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot.

Because a cold never bothered her anyway. My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?" And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

Thank you for everything, Mom. Happy Mothers' Day!

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in Me: yeah he is really milking it Edit: wow this blew up! thanks for the gold!!!

It would be like if we called a city "Liver Pool."

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

Republicans don't think they're funny, and Democrats don't think they're jokes.

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

Cause you know he is actually guilty.

Canada and Mexico.

She said she just can't take it any longer.

The man says "Aren't you the guy who charges 10k a bullet?" The hitman replies "Yeah, thats me." The man says "I have a job for you. I got 20k spare, and I found out my wife was cheating on me with my best friend. I want you to shoot my wife in the head, and my friend in the penis." The hitman accepts the offer, and the man gives him the name of the hotel they are staying at. They both arrive at the hotel, and climb to the roof of a building next to it. The hitman aims at the window of the wife's hotel room. The man says to the hitman "Why are you taking so long? Go ahead and take the shot!" The hitman says, "Be patient. I'm trying to save you $10,000."

there would be mass confusion. edit: thank you for the awards

‌‌They s‌‌aid t‌‌hey w‌‌ouldn't m‌‌ind i‌‌f w‌‌e d‌‌id i‌‌t t‌‌he o‌‌ld f‌‌ashioned w‌‌ay a‌‌s t‌‌hey w‌‌eren't m‌‌an h‌‌aters! For s‌‌ix m‌‌onths n‌‌ow w‌‌e've b‌‌een t‌‌rying b‌‌ut I‌‌ j‌‌ust d‌‌on't h‌‌ave t‌‌he h‌‌eart t‌‌o t‌‌ell t‌‌hem I‌‌ h‌‌ad a‌‌ v‌‌asectomy l‌‌ast y‌‌ear.

Me: I race cars. Her: Do you win many races? Me: No, the cars are much faster.

That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

Guy: I'm coming over Girl: We should stop using Walkie-Talkies in bed over

While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink. Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house. I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!!! ~ ~ *[edit: Thank you for the gold, kind stranger.]*

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

She said, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.” “Fair enough,” I replied, and felt her breasts.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

0% of my friends are Nazis, and thats a good percentage.

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?" The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will you save first?" And because I do not want to put my son in a difficult position, I am learning to swim!" A few days later husband and wife were quarrelling again and the daughter-in-law unreasonably asked: " now tell me! If your mom and I fall into water, whom will you save first?" Husband replied: "I don't have to get into the water, my mom knows to swim, she will save you." Wife refused to relent: "No, you have to jump into the water, and have to save one of us". Whom will you save ? Husband replied: "Then you will surely die.... because I don't know to swim .... and my mom will definitely save me first."

He said, “Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.”

The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it. I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her: "Your chest is fucking epic."