Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

'Scurvy

Interviewer: "...and a weakness?"

They call me Nostrawdamus.

She's under a lot of pressure

Woman calls a record shop and gets a wrong number. Woman: Do you have "Two lips and six kisses?" Man: No, but I do have two balls and six inches. Woman: Is that a record? Man: No ma'am, that's average.

He doesn’t want the crypt tonight.

So late one night a priest was showering and noticed there was no soap left so he ran to get a couple bars of soap when he heard 3 nuns walking toward him so he froze holding the two bars of soap. The first nun says I never noticed this statue before and reached out and tugged his junk and he was so surprised he dropped a bar of soap. The 2nd nun said ohh it's a soap dispenser so the 2nd nun tugged his junk he dropped the other bar. The 3rd nun tugged once nothing happens so she tugs it again nothing, so she tries a few more times then says oh wow it dispenses liquid soap as well.

It's on the tip of my tongue.

When I finish confessing my sins, I take a feather and tickle my nose so that I sneeze. And right after the priest says “God bless you” - I storm out of the church…

No, you fucking pervert. Its her nostrils... how else could sh breathe while giving you a blow job

The doctor asks, "Can I help you?" The duck says, "Yeah, can you get this guy off my butt?"

So I said “oh wow, I guess peggers CAN be choosers” True story

An insta-toot.

He died of dissentary.

Two guys are standing next to each other at a public convenience. The first guy turns to the second. “Pardon me, but you’re Jewish. Right?” “Yeah, I am.” “From New York?” “Yeah!!” “Park Avenue synagogue? Were you circumcised by Mohel Abelman?” “Yeah!!! How do you know???” “He’s cross eyed and always cuts at a slant. You’re pissing on my foot.”

They take the subway

sqrt(-1) sin/cos

Autumn because of the leavesdropping.

a man is anxiously awaiting the birth of his son . soon the nurse comes and says your child is born but he has a defect , I'll let you see for yourself. the bring the baby and the baby is just one giant ear with arms and legs . the guy , horrified, looks at the ear and says "no matter , I will love you and raise you." to that , the nurse says "you need to speak up, he's deaf."

Blue - the urologist says it makes my eyes look pretty.

Men watch The Masters and women watch The Bachelor.

It was a bass-less accusation.

Once, back in medieval Great Britain, there lived a Jew who did a great favor for the King. What kind of favor? Doesn't matter, really. What matters is that the King was incredibly grateful. So one day, the Jew woke up to a knock at his front door. When he answered the door, the King's Chief of Staff was there. "Good morning!" the CoS said. "To show his gratitude for the favor you did for him, the King has chosen to make you one of his knights. Congratulations!" "Uh, thanks." said the Jew, still groggy from having just woken up. "What do I have to do?" "Just come to the palace at the first of next month. That's when we do all our knighting ceremonies. Just be there by 9:00 a.m. sharp. See you then!" On the first of the next month, the Jew goes to the palace, making sure to arrive by 9:00 a.m. sharp, and is escorted to a room with a bunch of other knights-to-be. The Chief of Staff comes in, and closes the door behind him. "Good, now that we're all here, we can get started. Let me explain to you how the ceremony is going to work. One at a time, you'll be led in front of the King's throne. Kneel and recite a long Latin sentence, which I will teach you. Then the King will tap you on each shoulder with the flat of his sword. When you stand up again, you'll be a knight. Any questions?" There were none. "Good. Now let me teach you that Latin phrase. Repeat after me." The Chief of Staff then recites a long Latin phrase, which the men dutifully repeat. He then says the phrase again, and has the men repeat it again. He does this over and over until he is sure they all have it memorized. Then he leads them to the throne room. The wannabe knights are lined up, and purely by coincidence the Jew is last in line. One by one, the men are led in front of the throne, kneel, recite the Latin phrase, are dubbed, then rise and exit the throne room. After every man is knighted, it's finally the Jew's turn. As he walks up to the throne, he realizes that in all the excitement, the Latin phrase has slipped right out of his brain. He can't remember a word of it. He kneels and thinks as hard as he can, trying to remember. The King is looking at him expectantly. Finally, the Jew panics and says the first sentence in a foreign language that comes to mind. "*Ma nishtanah halailah hazeh mikol haleilot?*" Puzzled, the King turns to look at his Chief of Staff. "Why is this knight different from all other knights?" Spoiler for the *goyim*: >!*Ma nishtanah halailah hazeh mikol haleilot?* Is Hebrew for "Why is this night different from all other nights?" and is the preamble to the Four Questions we traditionally ask and answer at Passover, which is now.!<

Didn't go well, I immediately had to ground him...

The store keeper asks, "why the long face?" The Horse replies, "I thought this was a bar"

A raw deal

One day, to my surprise, when I entered the classroom I saw that Mitch was sitting in the front row and had a pile of dollar bills with him. Intrigued, I asked him about the money and being up front and he said. “Well, in the last class you told us that today we were going to see the Möbius strip so I came prepared.”

Begins to call his wife “mother of six” rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, she has grown tired of this. “Mother of six,” he would say, “what’s for dinner tonight? Get me a beer!” She gets very frustrated. Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, “Mother of six, I think it’s time to go!” The wife immediately shouts back, “I’ll be right with you, father of four!”

Tells the bartender … gimme a roast beef sandwich .. the bartender says .. I’m sorry we do t serve ducks here .. get the hell out .. next day the duck waddles up to the bar and says gimme a roast beef sandwich ! Bartender again says I told you we don’t serve ducks here and if you come in again I’m gonna nail your beak to the bar !! Sure enough next day the duck comes back and says “ you got any nails ? “ Bartender says no .. “Then gimme a roast beef sandwich ! “

Back to the grind.