Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, she confronted him when, once again, he came home late from work. Earlier, she had searched his company job titles and found a name. “What would you say,” she asked, “if I told you that I’m having an affair with your co-worker Sidney?” “Well, in that case,” he replied, “I’d say you’re a lesbian.”

A general, inspecting troops, stops in front of a private and says, "There is a submarine surfacing in front of you. How will you deal with it?" Private: I'd wait till it's 20 meters up in the air and shoot it with my anti-aircraft gun SIR. General: And where are you going to get an anti-aircraft gun from? Private: Same place that you got the submarine from SIR.

Homeless

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and orders a drink. The drink says, “You can’t tell me what to do.”

A wife, before traveling, asked her husband to take care of the cat. After a week, she called him to say hello and asked about the cat. He said to her: “Honestly, the cat died.” She started screaming and crying and said, “Shame on you… why did you tell me the news all at once? You know I can't handle it. You should’ve told me she was playing on the roof today, then tomorrow tell me she fell off the roof, then the next day say she died... Anyway… how’s my dad?" He said: “Your dad is playing on the roof.”

It means they literally failed a test where the answers are directly in front of them. That doesn’t sound very smart if you ask me.

One is a marvel to behold, the other is a marble b-hole!

A guy goes to the doctor with a complaint of arm pain. The doctor says, "Great! I have this new machine that can tell with 99% accuracy what is wrong using just a urine sample. " The guy is skeptical but gives the sample anyway. The doctor squirts a few drops into the machine and a few seconds later, a small slip of paper comes out. "You have tennis elbow," says the doctor. The man rants, "How the hell can a machine tell you that based on urine alone? I want a second opinion." "I'll tell you what," says the doctor. "Go home and eat normally for a few days and lay off alcohol. We'll run the specimen again. " "I'll show him," said the man. On the day of his return appointment, he gets his wife to pee in a bucket. Then he gets his mother, son, and daughter to do the same. He goes outside and puts the bucket under his dog while she's peeing. While he's out there, his neighbor asks what he's doing. The guy convinces his neighbor to add his urine to the bucket as well. Before leaving for the doctor's office, the man also jerks off into the bucket and then mixes everything up and puts it all into a zip lock baggie. At the doctor's office, the man fills the cup with the contents of the baggie and gives it to the doctor. When the doctor puts the sample into the machine this time, it takes a few minutes before the machine spits out a much longer piece of paper. "Well, sir, " says the doctor, "It says here that your mom has osteoporosis, your wife has chlamydia, which she apparently got from your neighbor, your daughter is pregnant, your son is on cocaine, your dog has worms, and if you don't stop jerking off so much... you'll never get rid of that tennis elbow."

I think it will be OK for a while.

As we all know, April showers bring May flowers, and of course Mayflowers bring pilgrims, and pilgrims bring death and disease, but apparently death and disease brings Thanksgiving, and Thanksgiving brings football, football brings fans, and fans bring beer. Basically, what I’m saying is: I like the month of April, because it means I get to drink.

Only one can feed a family of four.

The rooster

I think she's going to pull it off.

A proctologist only has to deal with one asshole at a time.

So they don’t whistle on the way down.

A tardy-grade

"Never leave a man's behind."

"Is there something I could eat?" "Yes, the hotel restaurant is open till 9:00." "Can you also arrange sex worker services?" "Yes, of course, brenda is available for $50." "How about male sex worker?" "We can offer that too. Brian is available for $500." "Why is Brian 10 times the price of Brenda?" "Well, I am not particularly fond of such practices, so I take $100 for myself. The village preist, obviously, isn't fond of such practices, so he gets $100, and village mayor is a conservative and as such isn't particularly fond of them, so he gets $100." "Does that mean Brian gets $200?" "Nah, those $200 goes to John and Steve that will hold Brian down, because, you see, Brian also is not particularly fond of such practises."

Gringo Starrs

Investigators say they have nothing to go on.

I don't know; they are still saving to buy one.

A threeway

Unfortunately, I didn't have a case.

It scares the hell out of their dogs

We're walking down a dirt road when they saw a sheep caught in a fence. Cleatus said, "I wish that was one of them playboy bunnies." Joe Bob replied, "Shit, I just wish it was dark!"

She said “June 12th. But if he’s at all like his father - he’ll come early!”

I told her she should know what 3 inches looks like by now.

They said it's not fair.

Eventually, he had to resort to using Eminem Domain.