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avatar D4zzl 9 day.agoMy autobiography isn't selling well.

Story of my life.

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10
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In this curated list, we’ve compiled the best dad-approved one-liners, groan-worthy puns, and cheeky quips guaranteed to deliver belly laughs. Share these crowd-pleasing jokes at work, family dinners, or parties—no prescription needed!

funny dad jokes

funny dad jokes
1. What do a Thai pimp and a used car salesman have in common?

Both have tricked men out of their money with a passable tranny.

2. What’s worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?

Being fingered by Captain Hook.

3. How is a little sister like a flask?

It's only useful when you fill it up with liquor and pass it around at your bachelor party

4. Tell a woman she is beautiful and she'll remember it for 100 days

Tell a woman she is fat and she'll always remember because an elephant never forgets.

5. history of the condom

In the late 15oo's, Muslims invented the condom from the intestines of a sheep. In the 1700's, the English improved on the idea by removing said entrails from the sheep first.

6. A white man walks into a bar...

...and approaches the black bartender and says, "Hey nigger! Get me a beer!" The bartender says, "That is very disrespectful. How would you like it if someone talked to you that way?" The white man says, "Well I don't know, how about we switch places and see?". The black man says, "Hey cracker, get me a beer!" The white man says, "Sorry, we don't serve niggers here."

7. whats the difference between jews and santa?

santa goes down the chimney

8. Why is Black Friday called “Black Friday?”

Because it’s the only day black people can afford things

9. A girl with no arms or legs was on a beach... ...

As a man walked pass her she started crying. The man asked, "Whats the matter, dear?" The girl replied with "I've never been hugged before." So the man hugs her and the girl starts crying again. The man asks "Whats wrong now?" The girl replies with "I've never been kissed before." So the man kisses her and the girl starts crying yet again. So the man asks, "Whats the matter now?" The girl replies with, "I've never been fucked before." So the man picks her up and throws her into the ocean and says "You're fucked now."

10. What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?

The NBA

11. Dammit, my dishwasher AND my sex toy died today!

Bury this one and go back to the orphanage for another.

12. White people don't shoot other people in the streets like black people do.

We shoot them in school, because we have class.

13. Gays in syria

[removed]

14. I don't know why we bother telling suicidal people to "get help."

Buying rope isn't that fucking difficult.

15. Caitlin Jenner has been arrested

Apparently she was offering 2 year old pussy on Tinder.

16. A man runs over a woman, whose fault is it?

The man's because he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen

17. Say what you will about pedophiles

But at least they drive through school zones slower

18. I was telling my friend that I pulled a girl off the railway lines last night just before a train arrived then had wonderful sex with her, my friend said did she give you head? I replied.

Couldn't find her head..

19. I don't understand.. Why can't someone just wake Avicii up?

It's all over.

20. A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon. I was going to decline, but when he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties...

I thought, fuck me, I might win this.

21. How does a black woman know she's pregnant?

When she takes her tampon out and the cotton is picked off.

22. Who are the 3 most underground rappers?

XXXTENTACION, Juice Wrld, and Mac Miller

23. I support LGBTQ

Let's Go Bully The Queers

24. I once organized a parent meeting at the school I worked at. That made a lot of people very angry.

Apparently, orphans don't have a sense of humor.

25. In my spare time I often go to court hearings about rapes.

If the guy turns out to be innocent, I follow the girl home and rape her. Nobody is going to believe her anyway.

26. My girlfriend's parents called me a pedophile because I'm 30 and she's 18.

It really kind of spoiled our 10th anniversary dinner.

27. What's 9 inches long, pink, and makes my girlfriend scream when I put it in her mouth?

Her miscarriage.

28. My new gf is black and I couldn't be happier!

My wife is white and it's hard to hide all the bruises

29. Where do epileptic children go to eat?

Little Seizures.

30. What is worse than ten dead babies nailed to one tree?

Going to an Oregon community college

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