Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.

Because with a manual gearbox they don’t need any other kind of anti theft device

There was Diana Ross

Is this stool taken

it left with a self esteem boost

>! They both have a Thor-axe !<

Boxing

"My brother's wife wants an overhanging balcony at the back of their house now.." "Cantilever?" "Nah, she's pretty hot..."

A dino-might.

"I’d pet him first."

Why don't time travelers tell jokes?

One robber turns to the other, holds up a bottle and says “is whiskey?” The other says “yeah but not a wisky as wobbing a bank!”

One day, a general was walking through a military base when he noticed a soldier casually eating and walking past him without saluting. Furious, the general ordered the soldier to stop and called him over. Here’s how their conversation went: **General**: Soldier, do you even know who I am? Do you know my rank? **Soldier**: Nope, not at all. **General**: Listen up, soldier. Right now, you’re a private—zero rank. The lowest in the military hierarchy. Basically, you’re nothing. **Soldier**: Okay. **General**: In the military, as you serve more years and prove yourself, your rank goes up. **Soldier**: Alright. **General**: For example, after this, you become a Private First Class. **Soldier**: Got it. **General**: Then you move up to Corporal, Sergeant, Warrant Officer, and so on. **Soldier**: And then? **General**: Eventually—though it’s almost impossible—you could become me, a General, the highest rank in the military. **Soldier**: And after that? **General** (Surprised): After that? There’s nothing after that. That’s it. **Soldier**: Well, I’m already that “nothing” right now.

A whored

So they know where to stop shaving.

58

The song “firework” is gonna take on a new meaning.

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, she confronted him when, once again, he came home late from work. Earlier, she had searched his company job titles and found a name. “What would you say,” she asked, “if I told you that I’m having an affair with your co-worker Sidney?” “Well, in that case,” he replied, “I’d say you’re a lesbian.”

A general, inspecting troops, stops in front of a private and says, "There is a submarine surfacing in front of you. How will you deal with it?" Private: I'd wait till it's 20 meters up in the air and shoot it with my anti-aircraft gun SIR. General: And where are you going to get an anti-aircraft gun from? Private: Same place that you got the submarine from SIR.

Homeless

Wow, this post blew up!

and orders a drink. The drink says, “You can’t tell me what to do.”

A wife, before traveling, asked her husband to take care of the cat. After a week, she called him to say hello and asked about the cat. He said to her: “Honestly, the cat died.” She started screaming and crying and said, “Shame on you… why did you tell me the news all at once? You know I can't handle it. You should’ve told me she was playing on the roof today, then tomorrow tell me she fell off the roof, then the next day say she died... Anyway… how’s my dad?" He said: “Your dad is playing on the roof.”

It means they literally failed a test where the answers are directly in front of them. That doesn’t sound very smart if you ask me.

One is a marvel to behold, the other is a marble b-hole!

A guy goes to the doctor with a complaint of arm pain. The doctor says, "Great! I have this new machine that can tell with 99% accuracy what is wrong using just a urine sample. " The guy is skeptical but gives the sample anyway. The doctor squirts a few drops into the machine and a few seconds later, a small slip of paper comes out. "You have tennis elbow," says the doctor. The man rants, "How the hell can a machine tell you that based on urine alone? I want a second opinion." "I'll tell you what," says the doctor. "Go home and eat normally for a few days and lay off alcohol. We'll run the specimen again. " "I'll show him," said the man. On the day of his return appointment, he gets his wife to pee in a bucket. Then he gets his mother, son, and daughter to do the same. He goes outside and puts the bucket under his dog while she's peeing. While he's out there, his neighbor asks what he's doing. The guy convinces his neighbor to add his urine to the bucket as well. Before leaving for the doctor's office, the man also jerks off into the bucket and then mixes everything up and puts it all into a zip lock baggie. At the doctor's office, the man fills the cup with the contents of the baggie and gives it to the doctor. When the doctor puts the sample into the machine this time, it takes a few minutes before the machine spits out a much longer piece of paper. "Well, sir, " says the doctor, "It says here that your mom has osteoporosis, your wife has chlamydia, which she apparently got from your neighbor, your daughter is pregnant, your son is on cocaine, your dog has worms, and if you don't stop jerking off so much... you'll never get rid of that tennis elbow."

I think it will be OK for a while.

As we all know, April showers bring May flowers, and of course Mayflowers bring pilgrims, and pilgrims bring death and disease, but apparently death and disease brings Thanksgiving, and Thanksgiving brings football, football brings fans, and fans bring beer. Basically, what I’m saying is: I like the month of April, because it means I get to drink.

Only one can feed a family of four.

The rooster