Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

Taiping.

I asked the shop assistant if he could help me, he said "Kenwood?", i said "well go and get him then".

A man stood up from behind a headstone. I said "morning", he said "no i was just having a poo".

It's ok, he woke up when the bell went off.

about some old newspaper, empty tin cans and eggshells. Threw it out: It was rubbish.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

Guy number one says he has a good memory and that he can remember being 4 in preschool. The second guy says he can remember his first birthday and eating his smash cake. The third guy looks at them and says "I remember going to the prom with my dad and coming home with my mom".

Manchester

Help I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up

But it was just a red hairing

Who starts a conversation like that???

Mom calls her 8 year old son into the family room where she is waiting with her husband. She says to her son, "Johnny, you were adopted." Johnny launches into a screaming tantrum and demands to meet his biological parents. Mom says, "we are your biological parents son, now go pack, you were adopted."

A man walks into a bar and the barman is astonished. Half of the man's head is half of a huge orange. 'So sorry to be nosy,' the barman says, 'but why is half of your head half of a huge orange?' 'Well, I was cleaning up the barn, the man says, 'and I found an old lamp. I polished it up, and a genie came swooping out of it, saying, 'may I grant you any three wishes, master?' So I said, 'I'd like to have a million dollars - and every time I take the million dollars out of my pocket, another million appears there.' The genie said, 'Your wish is granted. And your second wish?' The man says, 'I'd like a big house with 100 beautiful ladies in it.' 'Your wish is granted, says the genie. 'And your third wish?' 'I'd like half my head to be half of a huge orange.'

Because we tossed the T in the ocean.

Because it had been charged with intent.

Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

V *Edit: seems like the ctrl key on my keyboard is not working

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

Imagine how surprised he must have been. Edit: Thank you to the Redditors that awarded this post. To everybody else I’m sorry I typed your instead of you’re.

EDIT: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!

They're the Tolkien white guys. Edit: Apparently somebody posted this joke to Twitter in October and that makes me a piece of shit. ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯

That's it. That's the whole fucking joke. EDIT: Removed edits, people don't like those. [](/rdcry)

That's it. That's the entire fucking joke.

None. Trump says it’s done and they all cheer in the dark.

[removed]

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌" ‌‌ Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I becam‌‌e ‌‌a prostitute.‌‌" ‌‌ "Y‌‌e what!‌‌? Ge‌‌t ou‌‌t ‌‌a here‌‌, y‌‌e shameles‌‌s harlot‌‌! Sinner‌‌! You'r‌‌e ‌‌a disgrac‌‌e t‌‌o thi‌‌s Catholi‌‌c family.‌‌" ‌‌ "OK‌‌, Dad..‌‌. a‌‌s y‌‌e wish‌‌. ‌‌I onl‌‌y cam‌‌e bac‌‌k t‌‌o giv‌‌e mu‌‌m thi‌‌s luxuriou‌‌s fu‌‌r coat‌‌, titl‌‌e dee‌‌d t‌‌o ‌‌a te‌‌n bedroo‌‌m mansion‌‌, plu‌‌s ‌‌a ‌‌5 millio‌‌n saving‌‌s certificate‌‌. Fo‌‌r m‌‌e littl‌‌e brother‌‌, thi‌‌s gol‌‌d Rolex‌‌. An‌‌d fo‌‌r y‌‌e Daddy‌‌, th‌‌e sparklin‌‌g ne‌‌w Mercede‌‌s limite‌‌d editio‌‌n convertibl‌‌e that'‌‌s parke‌‌d outsid‌‌e plu‌‌s ‌‌a membershi‌‌p t‌‌o th‌‌e countr‌‌y clu‌‌b ..‌‌. (take‌‌s ‌‌a breath‌‌) ..‌‌. an‌‌d a‌‌n invitatio‌‌n fo‌‌r y‌‌e al‌‌l t‌‌o spen‌‌d Ne‌‌w Year'‌‌s Ev‌‌e o‌‌n boar‌‌d m‌‌y ne‌‌w yach‌‌t i‌‌n th‌‌e Riviera.‌‌" ‌‌ "Wha‌‌t wa‌‌s i‌‌t y‌‌e sai‌‌d y‌‌e ha‌‌d become?"‌‌, say‌‌s Dad‌‌. ‌‌ Girl‌‌, cryin‌‌g again‌‌, "‌‌A prostitute‌‌, Daddy!‌‌" ‌‌ "Oh‌‌! M‌‌y Goodness‌‌! Y‌‌e scare‌‌d m‌‌e hal‌‌f t‌‌o death‌‌, girl‌‌! ‌‌I though‌‌t y‌‌e sai‌‌d ‌‌a Protestant‌‌! Com‌‌e her‌‌e an‌‌d giv‌‌e ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Da‌‌d ‌‌a hug!‌‌"

When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.

You see, it used to get cold outside

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." Edit: I think it's bad that I'm more excited watching this get ups that I was about the whole of Christmas