Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

They look up in the sky and see the full moon. Blonde 1 remarks how beautiful the moon is on this clear night and says it would be so cool to go there. Blonde 2 says yes thats cool, but I'd rather go to Paris. Blonde 1 asks, which do you think is further, the moon or Paris? Blonde 2 replies, duh, can you see Paris from here?

Leave the plunger in the toilet.

Her husband was a dreadful boar

And that's how Cain, Abel, and Seth were made

Another\* time in old China, a poor farmer happened on a mirror, dropped by a traveller by the side of the road. He peered at it curiously, for he had never seen one before, and to his surprise he saw the likeness of his late father, dead twenty years ago. "What a remarkable gift the gods have bestowed upon me!" exclaimed the farmer; and he set about building a shrine at the back of his barn, where the image could be kept in safety. His wife became suspicious at the amount of time her husband was spending behind the barn, and one day when he was working in a distant field she went to look, and she found (as she though) a little love-nest with a picture hanging up in it. On viewing it she wept in jealous fury over the fickleness of men, "and how," she demanded, "could my husband devote himself to such an ugly cross-patch as this?" When he came home she angrily confronted him over his illicit affairs, and grew all the more wrathful at his absurd excuses, until the noise of their quarrel attracted a passing priest. "What is the cause," demanded the priest, "of this disturbance which so affronts the peace and harmony of Heaven itself?" "My husband has taken up with a trollop, and keeps her likeness here to gaze upon!" screeched the wife. "My wife has gone mad, and mistakes this portrait of my sainted father for a woman!" protested the husband. The priest inspected the evidence and shook his head in wonder. "You are both wrong. This is the likeness of a devoted monk, wise and venerable. I know not how you could mistake so holy a face." And to save further strife, the priest took the contentious image away to the nearest monastery, where it could be kept in safety. \--- \*See "Rope" for the first of these.

Never fly Malaysian airlines.

One is a rubber and the other is a rub her.....

I actually have a few people in mind..

because this morning I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse.

But if you have company then you should wear a condominium

Because they use honeycombs.

I saw an advertisement in a shop window saying "Accountant needed, €35,000 - €40,000. Call [number]. I called the number and told them "You don't need an accountant. The answer is minus €5,000."

You ask Siri, bro.

The tender

 It was when I saw how much the ring would cost.

That is to say, she's always right about everything and blows up if I tell her otherwise.

. I'm tempted but I'm worried it might make me a bit two cocky.....

You'd still be in debt but at least you saved four years.

She was starting to sound just like my wife.

The second nightstand.

He turned and asked the female prisoner "What would you like to eat for your last meal? She replied "I dunno, whatta you want?"

Custom Office :have you ever been convicted of any crimes? Me: I didn't realize that was still a requirement for getting in here

I told her I thought it was because I was so good-looking and charming. She replied, "See? you're hilarious"

Easily the best cognitive bias I’ve ever heard of

Sockamole.

The first nurse goes to check on him and notices that he had a massive erection so she tells the other nurses to give him a good send off by have sex with him. The first nurse does it and stops after getting tired. The second does the same and stops to share with the third nurse. The third nurse was a bit reluctant to do it because she was on her period and she felt embarrassed to show the other nurses. Eventually she gives into her desires and has sex with him and all of a sudden the man wakes up. The nurses are baffled and wonders what happened until the man says, " thanks ladies after 2 jump starts and a blood transfusion i feel fucking amazing."

He took one look and said, "It's too late, sir." "Too late?" I frowned. "What do you mean it's too late!!" He said, "My shift finishes in ten minutes."

A blonde girl was watching the news with her friend and the journalist said "4 Brazilian men died in a plane crash" The blonde girl gets all upset, she's crying hysterically and says "how could they allow so many people on the plane"!!!

We were having a beer the other day when he demonstrated his latest work: Stealth technology for his wheelchair. Though it was very impressive, I did feel the need to remind him: "You can hide, but you can't run."

The first one said “My wife is so stupid she spent $3000 on a new kitchen and she can’t even cook!” The second one said “My wife is so dumb she spent $40,000 on a new car and she can’t even drive!” The third friend chuckled and said “that’s nothing, my wife is going on a business trip - she bought 5 condoms and she doesn’t even have a penis!”