ChiefStrongbones 7 day.agoThree baseball umpires are sitting at a barThe college umpire says, "I call 'em the way I see 'em." The minor league umpire says, "I call 'em the way they are." The major league umpire says, "They ain't anything, until I call 'em."
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They set a test having checked the questions can't possibly have dirty answers. The class does the test and they look at Johnny's answers, and can't see any problems. So they read out the questions and get one of the good students to read out her answers. Question A: A person who sells tickets for a show Question B: A word for a rich or upper class person. Question C: The way a general might begin a speech The good student responds: A: Box Office Attendant B: Billionaire C: Troops! So she asks Little Johnny to do the same. He says A: Tout B: Toff C: Men!
As they were walking home through the dark they cut through a grave yard for a quick pee. The first lady peed and decided to wipe her self with her own cheap knickers that she was wearing and then threw the cheap knickers away. The second lady then peed behind a grave stone but she was wearing her very expensive kinky knickers and wanted to keep them. So she felt around the grave stone to see if she can find anything to wipe herself with... She came across a silky red ribbon and decided to wipe herself with it. Both ladies were feeling refreshed and made their way home... The next day, their two husbands called each other up. The first husband said: "these girly night out need to stop! My wife came home with no knickers" The second husband replied: "that's nothing! My wife came home with writing on her upper thighs that said: THANK YOU FROM THE WHOLE FIRE BRIGADE"
A lot of talk about red and black, barely any mention of green, and a runtime that feels like an eternity
They have the same middle name...yuck yuck -source Jimmy Carr
Because it’ll always be On the rocks.
Naturally, many of the other pigs found this deeply disturbing and they went to see Farmer Brown to talk about Peter's strange behavior. He told them, "Bring Peter to me and I'll give him some intense counseling sessions." So Peter went off with Farmer Brown. A week later the pigs went up to the farmhouse to ask how Peter's counseling was going. Farmer Brown opened the door and, munching on a piece of bacon, told them “Don’t worry about Peter. I’ve cured him.”
>!Handy Warhol!<
He said he’s been sitting on it for a while.
Not screaming and terrified like the other people in his car.
You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?"
Anything is possible if you are lying
A dyslexic kid fears the temptations of Santa
I just needed to beetroot myself.
"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him” The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his friends. He comes back three days later with a broken arm and covered in bruises. The grandfather asks "What the hell happened to you?" The grandson says "I did just like you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge with my friends; I tried to fuck a dancer on stage and piss on the bartender - but they beat the shit out of me and stole all the cash in my wallet!" The grandfather asks "Well who the hell did you go with boy?" The grandson says "My friends from school, who did you go with?" The grandfather says "Well... the 2nd SS Panzer Division"
At around midnight, as they are both trying to fall asleep, the man says to the woman: "Excuse me ma'am, but it's really cold, would you mind passing me one of the extra blankets on the table beside you?" The woman answers: "I'll tell you what, I'm also feeling really cold, for one night, why don't pretend we are married?" The man, taken aback but enthusiastic replies: "Yeah of course!" And so the woman says: "Good. Then fucking get it yourself you lazy ass."
Animal ab use
They put them both in a room with a woman and say they can have her, but they have to approach her only half a distance that lies between them, each time. The mathematician gives up, stating he cannot reach the woman. The engineer will continue because he knows he will get close enough for all practical purposes.
They caught me red handed.
They usually have something like ten, so you can choose.
but it sure makes the evening more memorable.
None. They just sit in the dark blaming the bulb for not screwing them.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
An Amish drive by.
Because they're both right.
Because they are traveling light.
Hindsight is 2020
Only if you burn yourself.
“Are you still holding the ladder son?”
His Dad says, "Son, you can't have it both ways."
If it isn't autocorrect
more jokes Here waiting for you
best dad jokesjokes for adultHere, we’ve gathered the funniest dad jokes, jokes for kids, funny jokes, witty comebacks, and hilarious memes from across the web. Whether you need stress relief, a quick laugh, or the perfect icebreaker for social situations, we’ve got you covered!
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