Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

Oof !

Two aquatic creatures find themselves inside an unexpected piece of military equipment. One of them, clearly unprepared for the situation, turns to the other and asks if they have the necessary skills to operate it.

The cop calls 911 for an ambulance to help the woman then pursues the driver and pulls him over. "Say, says the cop" did you know that your wife fell out of the car when you drove through that intersection"? The man looks over to the passenger seat, sees that is is empty and says to the cop, "Thank God I thought I had gone deaf".

I told him to go and grow a pear.

I said:"Don't stop me now"

A man tells his wife that he quit his job and bought a farm. "We're going to be scapegoat herders!" His wife scoffs. "You don't know anything about raising scapegoats! You idiot, you've ruined our lives!" The man shakes his head. "Actually, you know who's really to blame here..."

He wasn't "koala"fied.

"These men took me and forced me into a car, and now they're holding me against my will!" "Okay, can you give me any details about your location?" "Down the hall" He didn't know he wasn't supposed to use his one phone call that way

I said Maybe

He looked at me and said, "I've started, so I'll finish"

As the hitchhiker gets in he notices a monkey sitting on a stoop but doesn’t mention it. Few miles down hitchhiker says “ thanks for stopping, so what’s the deal with this little guy? Must get lonely on the road I guess “ trucker responds “ it sure does, let me show you how he helps” He lifts his hand and slaps the monkey so hard it falls to the floorboard . Quickly the monkey gets his bearings jumps up unzips the truckers pants and proceeds to give him a blowjob . After it’s done monkey zips the truckers pants and goes back to its stoop . “Pretty cool huh ? “ trucker says “ want to give it a try ? “ hitchhiker sits up raises his hand and points at the trucker “ ok but you better not slap me that hard “

It's a good idea to carry around a box of tissues…

So a man walks into a bar and can't help but notice a man seated in the back with a big orange head. He walks up to the bartender and asks, "What's up with the dude with the big orange head?" The bartender grins, "It's quite a remarkable story! Why don't you go ask him yourself?" Filled with intrigue, he approaches the man with a big orange head. Before he can utter a word, the orange headed stranger sets his beer on the counter and smiles,"I take it you want to hear how I got my big orange head?" The man nods, concerned but exceedingly curious. "Alright son, listen close; it's certainly a tale for the ages! It all started one day when I was strolling on the beach. I stubbed my toe and tripped over something hard in the sand. Curious as to what caused my fall, I dug around the object until it was revealed to be some kind of lamp! I rubbed off the remaining dirt, when the sky began to darken and magical genie emerged! His voice boomed,'You have awakened me from my eternal slumber! To express my gratitude, I will grant you any 3 wishes, but be careful, some may not end up the way you intend..' I pondered the possibilities, and determined my first wish, 'I wish to be the richest man in the world!' Immediately afterwards, the clouds parted, and heavenly light pierced the sky. Angels one after another decended down and handed me cash, precious stones, and keys to mansions and exotic cars. After wiping away my tears of joy, I shouted, 'For my second wish, I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world!' Suddenly, an intense wind blew through the sea. It gust was so powerful that the ocean parted, and from the ravine of water came out a woman dressed in a gorgeous wedding gown. Her face was breathtakingly beautiful, and her eyes so alluring they still freeze my heart to this very day." The orange headed man stops to chug his brew. The other man is at the edge of his seat with anticipation. After wiping his mouth from the drink, he frowned remorsefully, "This is where I messed up, kid. I asked the genie for a big orange head."

Nobody nose

But they aren’t heartless

He spends ages checking her out, but doesn't have the nerve to speak to her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes hurtling out of its socket towards him. He reaches out, grabs it in the air and gives it back to her. "Oh,l am so sorry, the woman says as she pops the eye back in. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a fantastic meal together then go to the theatre, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest thoughts and he shares his. After paying for everything, she invites him back to her place. Next morning, she cooks them both a gourmet breakfast. The man is amazed. You are the perfect woman, he says. Are you this nice to every man you meet?" "No,' she replies. You just happened to catch my eye."

...Said Noah as the ark began to sink...

Many people are recycling old jokes.

Especially after a 31 day march (Was supposed to upload yesterday forgot to press send)

I'm the youngest of three siblings - my oldest brother, middle sister, and me. My sister had her first child a couple of years ago. Really sweet kid, and at the point of just starting to pick up language. Once she learns a new word, she'll point to different things and say the word, to test if it works. Like when she learned the word 'cat', she would point to things and say, 'Cat!' So now, it's our job to correct her and say things like, 'That's right!' or 'No, honey, that's a DOG. Can you say 'dog'?' You know how these things go. She's learning pretty quickly, and moving onto more difficult, multi-syllabic words. Recently, she learned the word 'computer', but her pronunciation is a little off. So when I went over to my sister's place last weekend, my niece greated me at the door, pointing at me and saying, 'comPOOPer!' I said, "No, honey, that's your other uncle."

When he tells me my granddaughter has grown half a foot since I last saw her I don’t know whether to be excited or very, very concerned.

Testickles

I called my girlfriend earlier today, but all my calls went straight to voicemail. So, I decided to call her from a coworker’s phone. When someone picked up, I heard a sweet little voice say, “Hello?” It was my girlfriend’s daughter. I said, “Hey, honey! I’m at work. What are you and Mommy up to?” She goes, “Well, I just ate a sandwich, and Mommy’s upstairs with Uncle Eddie.” I paused. “Uncle Eddie? We don’t have an Uncle Eddie.” She confidently replied, “Yes, we do! Uncle Eddie is upstairs with Mommy in the bedroom.” At this point, my alarm bells were going off. Something was fishy. So, I calmly asked, “Hey sweetheart, can you leave the phone downstairs, go upstairs, and tell Mommy that Daddy just pulled into the driveway?” I heard little footsteps running upstairs. About 65 seconds later, she picked the phone back up. I asked, “What happened?” She said, “Mommy ran downstairs naked, but she slipped and fell. She’s not moving.” I was like, “Oh, shoot… okay. What about Uncle Eddie?” She replied, “Uncle Eddie jumped out of the window, but he barely missed the pool. He’s not moving either.” And that’s when I realized… We just lost two people today. And I don’t have a pool. So, I hung up the phone… because that was the wrong number.

"Doc, I think something’s wrong with my junk." The doctor puts on his gloves. "Alright, drop your pants and let’s take a look." The man drops his pants, and his junk is completely orange. The doctor stares. "Whoa… what the hell have you been doing?!" The man sighs. "Well… not much lately. Just sitting at home, watching porn, and eating Doritos."

There was a Scottish house painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings. Smokey put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, buying paint and yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water... Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.. "Repaint! Repaint!* And thin no more!"*

We were at lunch and she told me that her boyfriend's mom and dad refused to let him date her. I said, "Who the hell are they to say anything about what two eighteen year old's do in a relationship! She responded, "Our parents".

During the hernia check she cupped my boys. Instead of "turn your head and cough" she begins yelling at me, "Stop running your fingers through my hair!"

The wheelchair

He nuts and bolts

Shots all around.