Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!” “Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!” The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.

Jack and Jill have grown up. They've graduated from uni, gotten married and got a job at the same firm. One day, while going through the books and after much deliberation, their boss decides he must lay off one employee. Jack and Jill are the most recent hires, so it must be one of them. The problem is he hired them at the same time, and he doesn't want to be biased or sexist, so he decides the first one of them to use the drinking fountain will get the ax. While he's considering what to say, Jill walks up with some aspirin to take a drink. Her boss, very sympathetically says, "Jill, I've either got to lay you or Jack off." Jill responds with a sigh, "Well, you'll have to jack off, I've got a headache."

He says to the police officer, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present." "You are the lawyer," says the policeman. "Exactly, so where's my present?"

God:"You already know you're going to hell, but before that I'll give you one wish." Hitler:"Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man." God:"Why the Swedish man?" Hitler:"I knew you didn't give a fuck about the Jews."

Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "in *my* community, they recognise me by my face."

...before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything

“I bet your butt is as big as my grill.” His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they’re about the same size. That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. “Not tonight,” says his wife. He asks her why not, to which she responds, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weiner?”

asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" the father answered. "Oh," replied the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"

Still under investigation. ​ ​ ​ Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up. Edit 2: For those claiming it's "too soon"... I respectfully disagree, I think this is the perfect time. The pain won't ever go away for those families - there will never be a time when they'll think "Sure, it's been long enough - go ahead and laugh about it." However, the anger and shock felt by the general public will begin to fade as other news stories and other tragedies steal our attention. Better to elicit stronger emotions now and hopefully, in a tiny imperceptible way, increase the likelihood of meaningful change.

Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No idiot... Cows go moo!

Fat. You get fat. ​ You were expecting a joke about pi? On my cake day? ​

But when it happens no one is shocked.

Man: I see. Is that one word or two?

They were having a mid-life crisis. Edit: thank you to the kind soul that gifted me gold!

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.” The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick. The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?” The Irishman then said: “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”

Dear Sir or Madam, Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation. ​ Sincerely, ​ The Internet Provider

That priest is in prison now.

Brothel sprouts Edit: thanks for the gold kind stranger!

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "You know if you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick I wouldn't have to listen to that tapping." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the fucking bus. Edit: removed stupid wording.

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a criminal president under constant federal investigation from day one. Turns out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I'm stuck with a criminal president under federal investigation from day one. This isn't my joke, but I never saw it on Reddit before. I don't know the source.

12 years old and mixed up with coke. Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.

She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’ After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’ ‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’ The following day, the girl says to her mother. ‘Mum, today we measured our chests in class and mine is the largest! Is that because I’m blonde?’ ‘No darling, that’s because you’re 18.’

Zero fucks were given. Edit: Thanks guys. You all seem to give way more fucks than she did.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there's more between him and his roommate. Reading his mom's thought, his son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates." About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose your mother took it, do you?" He said, "Well I doubt it, but l'll email her just to be sure! He sat down and wrote, Dear mom, After your visit me, the silver plate has been missing. "I'm not saying that you did take the silver plate from my house, and I'm not saying that you don't take it, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Your son." Several days later, he received an email from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you don't sleep with her: but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow. Love, Mom"

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London. Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat. Th‌‌e onl‌‌y empt‌‌y sea‌‌t wa‌‌s directl‌‌y adjacen‌‌t t‌‌o ‌‌a wel‌‌l dresse‌‌d middl‌‌e age‌‌d Englis‌‌h lad‌‌y an‌‌d wa‌‌s bein‌‌g use‌‌d b‌‌y he‌‌r littl‌‌e dog. Th‌‌e wear‌‌y soldie‌‌r asked‌‌, "Pleas‌‌e ma'am‌‌, ma‌‌y ‌‌I si‌‌t i‌‌n tha‌‌t seat?" Th‌‌e Englis‌‌h woma‌‌n looke‌‌d dow‌‌n he‌‌r nos‌‌e a‌‌t th‌‌e solide‌‌r an‌‌d sniffe‌‌d the‌‌n said‌‌, "Yo‌‌u Americans‌‌. Yo‌‌u ar‌‌e suc‌‌h ‌‌a rud‌‌e clas‌‌s o‌‌f people‌‌. Can'‌‌t yo‌‌u se‌‌e tha‌‌t m‌‌y littl‌‌e pooc‌‌h i‌‌s usin‌‌g tha‌‌t seat?" Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d away‌‌, lookin‌‌g i‌‌f ther‌‌e wer‌‌e an‌‌y othe‌‌r unoccupie‌‌d seat‌‌s t‌‌o use‌‌, bu‌‌t afte‌‌r anothe‌‌r tri‌‌p dow‌‌n t‌‌o th‌‌e en‌‌d o‌‌f th‌‌e train‌‌, h‌‌e foun‌‌d himsel‌‌f facin‌‌g th‌‌e woma‌‌n wit‌‌h th‌‌e do‌‌g again. Again‌‌, th‌‌e soldie‌‌r asked‌‌, "Pleas‌‌e lady‌‌. Ma‌‌y ‌‌I si‌‌t there‌‌? I'‌‌m ver‌‌y tired." Th‌‌e Englis‌‌h woma‌‌n wrinkle‌‌d he‌‌r nos‌‌e an‌‌d snorte‌‌d ou‌‌t loud‌‌, "Yo‌‌u Americans‌‌! No‌‌t onl‌‌y ar‌‌e yo‌‌u rude‌‌, yo‌‌u ar‌‌e als‌‌o extremel‌‌y arrogant!" Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r didn'‌‌t sa‌‌y anythin‌‌g else‌‌; h‌‌e leane‌‌d over‌‌, picke‌‌d u‌‌p th‌‌e littl‌‌e do‌‌g an‌‌d tosse‌‌d i‌‌t ou‌‌t th‌‌e windo‌‌w o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n an‌‌d sa‌‌t dow‌‌n i‌‌n th‌‌e empt‌‌y seat. Th‌‌e Woman‌‌, a‌‌t ‌‌a los‌‌s fo‌‌r words‌‌; shrieked‌‌, raile‌‌d an‌‌d demande‌‌d tha‌‌t someon‌‌e defen‌‌d he‌‌r an‌‌d chastis‌‌e th‌‌e soldier. A‌‌n Englis‌‌h gentleme‌‌n sittin‌‌g acros‌‌s th‌‌e aisl‌‌e spok‌‌e u‌‌p an‌‌d said‌‌, "Yo‌‌u know‌‌, sir‌‌, yo‌‌u American‌‌s d‌‌o see‌‌m t‌‌o hav‌‌e ‌‌a penchan‌‌t fo‌‌r doin‌‌g th‌‌e wron‌‌g thing‌‌. Yo‌‌u ea‌‌t holdin‌‌g th‌‌e for‌‌k i‌‌n th‌‌e wron‌‌g hand‌‌, yo‌‌u driv‌‌e you‌‌r auto‌‌s o‌‌n th‌‌e wron‌‌g sid‌‌e o‌‌f th‌‌e roa‌‌d an‌‌d now‌‌, sir‌‌, you'v‌‌e throw‌‌n th‌‌e wron‌‌g bitc‌‌h ou‌‌t th‌‌e window!."

.... The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing." The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," he says. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says. "Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. "Then it was just a matter of switching the heads"