Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

To hide their butt quacks.

It was Easter, so Jesus and Moses decided to revisit their old stomping grounds, just for old times sake. They decided to stop at the Red Sea. Moses pondered, "Can I still part the waters?" He raised his staff, and the waters parted. Lowered the staff and the waters came back together. Moses did this several times, each time the waters parted just like the first time. Jesus wondered, "Can I still walk upon the waters like I did?" He stepped onto a rock on the shoreline, looked at Moses, and stepped off the rock, onto the water. He immediately plunged to the bottom. Sputtering, he dragged himself back onto the rock for another attempt. Stepping off the rock for a second time, he again sank to the bottom. He climbed back on the rock, and decided maybe the third time was the charm. Nope, same result! After wringing the water out of his robe, he asked Moses "Why isn't this working? I used to be able to walk on the waters." Moses replied "Well, the last time you walked on the waters, you didn't have holes in your feet"

An artist asked the gallery owner If there been any interest in his paintings. I have good news and bad news the owner replied. the good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate and value after your death. when I told him it would he bought all 15 of your paintings. " that's wonderful" the artist exclaimed, "what's the bad news?" - the guy was your doctor

A man asks her: "mind if I say a word?". "No, of course not", the woman answers. The man stands, clears hos throat says "Plethora", and sits back down. "Thanks", the woman says, "that means a lot"

A famous soccer player, who shall of course remain nameless, got set up to go on a blind date. After an enjoyable evening, although interspersed with tales of his exploits in various games, the player persuaded the lady to park "to see the moon". After some mutual exploration, with more exploits narrated in between kisses, the footballer took the girl's hand, put it on his head, and asked, "Have you ever felt anything like this?" Confused, she shook her head and said, "No." The player informed her, "This is the head that headed the goal that got us through the quarter finals." He then took her hand and put it on his foot. "Have you ever felt anything like this?" Once again, she shook her head and said, "No." "This is the foot that kicked the goal that got us through the semi-finals." Fed up by now, the girl took his hand, put it between her legs, and asked, "Have you ever felt anything like this?" A bit embarrassed and shamefaced, he replied, "Yes, when I missed the penalty in the final."

An Admiral was visiting one of his ships. When having tea he noticed every biscuit had the ship’s insignia embossed on it. He was impressed and called in the cook to ask him how he did this. Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven. Admiral: That’s pretty unhygienic. Cook: In that case, sir, I’d suggest you skip the doughnuts.

I asked Grandma if she had any last words. She said, “Sweetheart, take care of your sister. She’s not as strong as she pretends to be. I hope you’re looking after your father and mother. Also, if Uncle Steve comes around asking for any cash, don’t give him any. And listen—if you ever find yourself in real trouble, I hid the money in the—” And then the Wi-Fi went out during the Zoom call.

I don't know what she charges him for it though.

"I'm going to take a picture of your boobs and frame it." "I think I'll take a picture of your penis and enlarge it," she replied.

Unfortunately when emerging from his tomb this year, Jesus saw his shadow... 6 more weeks of lent.

The official cause of death? Blunt force trauma.

It was petty theft

“Joooooooooooooooke.”

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. Tim was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre (crossed out) dyrea (crossed out) direathe (crossed out) the shits. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor. Maryann was absent December 11-16 because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upsent stomach. her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

My girlfriend and I have sex every day except Friday, because that is our fish and chips date night. One Friday, feeling amorous, I asked her if she wanted to come over to my plaice. "Not tonight, darling," she replied. "I have a haddock."

His ball ended up behind the greenkeepers shed. His wife said "Open the front and back doors, take out the mower and play through the shed" They do this, he lines up the shot, swings, and the ball hits the beam at the top of the door, comes back, hits his wife in the head and kills her. The man is devastated and gives up golf for years. Eventually he finds new love and decides to try golf again. By coincidence his ball ends up behind the greenkeepers shed again. His new girlfriend says "Open the doors, take out the mower and play through the shed." "No." he replies, "Last time I did that I ended up three shots over."

I guess it's just one more thing she has in common with my wife.

Turned out she was just pulling my leg

What the hell happened to my roof?!

What is a dermatologists favourite film. Star Trek II: The rash of Khan.

I am mentally unstable by design

Interviewer: “What are your strengths?” Me: “I fall asleep instantly.” Interviewer: “And your weaknesses?” Me: “…you’re gonna need to repeat the question.”

Add the NSFW tag

A shihtzu knot.

Say 'I hate happiness' without the 'H's'

So I told him it’s whats inside him that counts

It really sucks to make a difficult cut only to be kicked out later. I should know, the same thing happened to me when I converted to Judaism.

Why do meteorites always land in craters?

How dairy!

He explained to his mother what happened and she informs her grandmother arrives with a cleaver. She visits the bear in the middle of the night and shanks him in complete darkness before putting his head in the picnic basket and sending the basket to his family. Sorry kids, this is not an episode of the show Yogi bear is no longer with us And Bobo is next. Fear mother Russia