Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

I mean, there's more than one way to skin a cat.

Theatre. The audience is impatiently waiting for the premiere to begin. The lights go out. Silence. A minute later a man comes out on stage with a candle in his hand and a stool, puts the stool down, sets the candle on it, and starts masturbating. Two minutes later a voice from the last row breaks the silence: "Somebody please stop this!" The man grabs the candle, waves it: "Who's there?!"

I ask him if he's ok, and he replies inbetween his groans. "Nah I'm good don't worry" Me personally, I think he's full of shit.

Un deux trois cats sank.

“Oh goody!!! a chew chew train”

A Chinese peasant, some centuries ago, happened upon a man he knew who was wearing a *cangue* \-- a large wooden collar put on criminals which, among other things, meant they could not bring their hands to their faces and so were dependent on the mercy of strangers to allow them to eat and drink until their sentence was over. "Li!" he exclaimed. "Why have the judges put a *cangue* upon you?" "Oh," said Li, "because I picked up a piece of old rope in the street and walked off with it." "But surely they have not put you in the *cangue* simply for taking away an old piece of rope?" the peasant asked. "As to that," Li admitted, "it happened that there was an ox on the other end of the rope."

she went on Jeopardy because she thought the Daily Doubles were cheeseburgers.

because typically you only have to put up with a dog for fifteen years.

"Don't shoot, comrades!"

What does it matter if it's a cute liver failure or an ugly one? Just fix it!

Mabel picked up two potatoes the size of billiard balls when Marge commented, "Looks like my husbands balls". Mabel asked, "That large?". "No", replied Marge, "that dirty".

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says. He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either." He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

Q: How many Irish Catholic Mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Ahhh, don't you worry about that son, you just go out with your fancy women while I sit here home alone in the dark.

Brothel sprouts

Babar-sol.

They took 3 corpses into the lab and ran experiments. Subject 1 gets revived and thanks the scientists for saving him from Hell. Subject 2 gets revived and proceeds to scold the scientists for bringing him away from Heaven. Subject 3 gets revived and immediately runs away. When asked, he replies: "What the hell, I was playing Doom! Why'd you bring me here?"

My Lord grant that I may see The day when petrol is tax free, When traffic lights are always green And traffic jams are never seen, And wardens do not wait afar To plant a ticket on my car.

an erection in my sleep pants. But don't worry....I beat it single handed.

One man said, “I’ll take some H2O please”. The second man said “I’ll have some H2O, too”. The second man died.

Police say they've found 300 bodies but the death toll is expected to rise

When I was younger I used to think poop jokes were the greatest now at my age I would say there are a solid number two

Umommy

It was Reese’s niece’s thesis on feces.

My German mate isn't the brightest. I asked him if he knew what number comes after 8. He said no.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

Because he heard the drinks were on the house.

Won’t be making them any longer. Bummer.

You marry her

*loophole*

What the world really needs is a windshield wiper that won't hold parking tickets.