Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

But I told him I couldn't, because I had a weak back. He asked me how long I'd had a weak back. And I said "Oh, about a week back."

"My car is broken, and I need it fixed ASAP." **Quantum Mechanic:** No problem. That’ll be $500. Come back in an hour. The man waits an hour and returns. "Is my car fixed?" **Quantum Mechanic:** Your car is both fixed and still broken. Frustrated, the man says, **"This is the most advanced, most expensive, most important car in the world! Do you understand the GRAVITY of this situation?"** **Quantum Mechanic:** No

Being nose or throat responsible

Cause he was a wobbly

She said, "Sure." I said, "Never mind, it's too long."

what a fool he was, for I felt no pain.

Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.

After a few months, the son returns and says, "Dad, I’ve become a Christian." Shocked, the father confides in his friend, who listens and then sighs, "That’s strange… I sent my son to Israel last year, and he also came back a Christian!" Baffled, they decide to visit their Rabbi for guidance. After hearing their stories, the Rabbi strokes his beard and says, "This is unbelievable… My son also went to Israel—and he too came back a Christian!" Now completely bewildered, they agree there’s only one place left to turn. Together, they pray: "Oh God, what is happening? We send our sons to Israel to strengthen their Judaism, and they all return as Christians!" A deep voice rumbles from the heavens: "Tell me about it..."

Well Myanmar are going to put an end to that.

They never called me back from the porn studio

G Wiz

**Child support.**

We went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web developer.

It's a real udon it.

A lady walks up and she says “excuse me.” He says “yes”. She asks “where’s the broccoli? I can’t find the broccoli.” He says “oh, I’m really sorry ma’am, we ran out of broccoli. We will have some tomorrow morning.” He goes back to work and is stacking the oranges and hears behind him “Mr., Mr.” He turns around and it’s the same lady. “Where’s the broccoli at. You got any broccoli?” He says, “No ma’am, we’re fresh out of broccoli. We’ll have some tomorrow morning.” He goes back to work, and a couple minutes later this woman walks right up in his face and says “How come I can’t find any broccoli?” He says “lady, do me a favor, will you?” She says “what?” He says “indulge me. How do you spell cat, like in catastrophic?” She says “C.A.T.” “How do you spell dog, like in dogmatic?” “D.O.G.” “How do you spell fuck, like in broccoli?” She says “there is no fuck in broccoli.” He says “that’s what I’m trying to tell you lady!”

Why did Olive Oyl tell Popeye not to eat any spinach before bed? Because he kept singing... I'm quick to the finish, when I eats my spinach

I said, "It’s my weekend immune system."

A woman was giving birth soon. The doctor told her an her husband that there was an experimental machine that could transfer the pain of labor to the father. They agreed to try it. The day arrived and the doctor set the machine at 10%. The husband wasn't phased and told the doctor to turn it up. The pregnancy pain was transferred more and more and at 100% the mother had a pain free labor and the husband didn't notice a thing. They took the baby home and the mailman was dead in the porch.

[translated from Yiddish] The Rabbi frowns at him. "So it's a new name you want, is it? Why? What's wrong with the name your mother and father gave you? The name you had when you were given your *bris*? The name you had when you became a *bar mitzvah*? The name you had when you stood under the *chuppa* and married your wife? Why do you want to change this? What *is* your name, anyway?" "Adolf Cumguzzler." The Rabbi recoils in horror. "Oy! Such a name, such a terrible, terrible name! I don't blame you for wanting to change it. If I had that name, I'd want to change it myself. So what do you want to change it *to*?" "*Franz* Cumguzzler." (Told to me by my grandfather, a German Jew who fled Germany for the United States literally days before this would have become impossible.)

Did you hear about the Boxer who couldn't tell jokes. But they had a punchline.

... from being a bad liver.

“Well hey there friend! Where do ya hail from?” “I’m from Ireland.” “No kidding! I’m from Ireland myself! What part of Ireland?” “Grew up in Wexford.” “Wexford?! No kidding! I grew up in Wexford myself!” “Well what are the chances of that?! Say, what secondary school did you go to?” “I went to St Peters Secondary” “ St Peters Secondary?! I went to St Peters Secondary! I’ll be darned! What year did you graduate?” “1979” “1979??!! That’s the year I graduated! What are the chances of that?!!” Well as these 2 guys are just flabbergasted at the chances of this meeting, another guy at the end of the bar is watching curiously. He calls over to the bartender & asks “hey what on earth is going on over there?” To which the bartender replies, “ah nothing. Just the O’Malley twins drunk again.”

Beer nuts cost $3.99/lb. But deer nuts are under a buck.

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked

An oncologist

Recently, I saw a man open a door for a woman. I guessed that he thought it was polite. He was shocked that she just screamed and flew out the plane.

Taiping.

I asked the shop assistant if he could help me, he said "Kenwood?", i said "well go and get him then".

A man stood up from behind a headstone. I said "morning", he said "no i was just having a poo".

It's ok, he woke up when the bell went off.