Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.

On the plus side my IQ test came back positive

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell. Then all the other bells started to ring.

So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.

'Of course child. What may I do for you?' ‘Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?' 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

She wanted to see the task manager.

The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?" Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the answer... EDIT: Holy, this blew up fast. Kind of like when the teacher gives me $20, but less sticky, and I don't have that overwhelming sense of guilt. No wait... There it is.

"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated. And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon... when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9! That's the best I've done so far.

Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen.

She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.” Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me. She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?” I got up and went straight to my car. My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said “I knew I could trust you.” Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence with an 'i' in it. Johnny: I is... Teacher: No, Johnny, when you say 'i', it should be followed by 'am' Johnny: Okay, I am the 9th letter of the alphabet

and we saw dogs mating. She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?" I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works." We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe. Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?" I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready." We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating with the cow. My girlfriend said: "This is odd. They are really going at it. Surely the bull can't smell when she is ready?" I said: "Oh, yes; it's nature . All animals can smell when the female is ready for sex." Anyway, after the walk, I dropped her home and kissed her goodbye. She said: "Take care and get yourself checked out for Covid-19." Surprised, "Why do you say that?" I asked her. She replied: "You seem to have lost your sense of smell."

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.

It's always, "Is Pepsi okay?"

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

I know he means well.

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll?" The other answers, "I don’t know, I thought you were watching."

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy! Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!" Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. "I don't have a clue!!!" the Rabbi said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here." "And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows!!" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!"

That was a trip down memory lane

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week". The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active sex life". The 80-year old man laughs and shakes his head. "What a sad pair you two make. I'm an old fart and I bang my wife almost every day of the week". The other two look at him in disbelief. "It's true", he says, "almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday,..."

Smoking bacon will cure it.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

then having sex for free makes you a non-profit whoreganization

671 Hallmark movies.

Soon the head of the WHO came by. He said “Try social distancing! It can save you!” The fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me.” So the head of the WHO went on. Then Dr. Fauci came by and told the man “Wear a mask! It can save you!” The fellow said, "No thanks, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith." So Dr. Fauci went on. So the fucking world came by - shouting “Wear a mask! Try social distancing. Stay inside your fucking house! It can save you!” To this the fellow replied, "No thanks, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith." So the world went on its way. Then the man threw a surprise birthday party for a family member and 17 people got sick. One person died. Two more would be sick, and damaged for the rest of their lives. There’s no punchline. This really happened. Wear a mask. Don’t be a fucking idiot.

Father: "Ask your sister.” Daughter: "I don't have a si-"

North, things between West and I have gone South.

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?" "Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three-fourths', and 2/5 is 'two-fifths'." "Thanks, I understand, "said the exchange student. "Good," said the teacher, and then asked the student, "so how do you say 4/8?" "Should I reduce?" asked the boy. "That would be best," said the teacher. "One-second," said the boy. "Take as long as you need," said the teacher.