Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign. But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet. Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins. Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet. But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed. Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, "Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me." Curious, Attila did as he asked. Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila. "Now hold these in both hands," he instructed. Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole. To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said, "Thy anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, Hun."

She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

Ouch

Micro trans-action

Man is walking through park. He sees a girl in a wheelchair crying. "What's wrong?" man asks. "Never been kissed before" girl says. Man kisses her and she goes home happy. Next day man walking through same park. Sees girl in wheelchair again crying. "What's wrong?" man asks. "Never been wined and dined before" girl says. So man takes her out for a beautiful meal, gets her drunk and wheels her off home. Again man walks through park following day. Girl still in wheelchair crying. "What's wrong?" Asks man. "Never been fucked before" says girl. So man picks up girl and throws her in the river and says... "Well you're fucked now"

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, “Its dark in here.” The man says, “Yes, it is.” Boy ~ “I have a baseball.” Man ~ “That’s nice.” Boy ~ “Want to buy it?” Man ~ “No, thanks.” Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.” Man ~ “OK, how much?” Boy ~ “$250? In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy ~ “Its dark in here.” Man ~ “Yes, it is.” Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.” The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?” Boy ~ “$750? Man ~ “Fine.” A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” Boy ~ “$1,000? The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.” They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, “Dark in here.” The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”

Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too...

Sorry, bad punctuation. I'm giving up. Masturbating for an entire month.

To beat the crowd.

Plastic explosives.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

He said "inflation"

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket. “Very good,” said the teacher. Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks.” The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched . “Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far. Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.” “Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued. “Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.” “Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?” The child said: “Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”

The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests. "Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up. "Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?" The bartender tells him, "Turn it around." So the guy does, takes another bite, and is suddenly quite pleased. "It tastes like a coke! It's a rum and coke apple? It's a rum and coke apple! That's pretty neat, pal." Another man approaches the bar, and asks the bartender for a gin and tonic. The bartender hands him an apple. Confused, the man begins to question the validity of the bartender, when the first guy reassures him, "Buddy, try the apple," and with a nod to his own, takes another bite. The second man follows suit, and looks back at the bartender in exclamation, "Tonic! What's this, a tonic apple?" The bartender swirls his finger in the air and tells the man, "Turn it around..." The man has a bite from the other side of the apple and is exuberant. "It's gin! It's really gin! A gin and tonic apple!" The two men reveled in this discovery for a while, when a dwarf walked up to the bar, made his way onto a stool beside the men, and beckoned for the bartender. As he's about to order, the second man interrupts him, "Oh, hey man wait! You should order an apple! You can get an apple that tastes like anything you want here! I've got a gin and tonic apple, and this guy's got a rum and coke apple!" The dwarf casts an incredulous look at the bartender, who plainly nods back in confirmation. "Oh yeah?" He starts, "OK then, it's been a while, gimme a *pussy* flavored apple!" And the bartender hands him an apple. The dwarf takes a big, expectant bite from the apple, and immediately spits it out all over the bar. "Ughyuuk!!" He cries out, "This apple tastes like *shit*!" The bartender swirls his finger in the air and tells him, "Turn it around..." Edit: Wow thanks for all the awards! Never had a post blow up like this. Tbh I've never seen this one online before, maybe I'm living under a rock. But it's slain in the meatworld and seems new to lots of you, so hell yeah and thanks again!

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere. As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor. The next morning he wakes up to find a queue of naked men leading into the mosque. At the front, the mosque leader is in prayer with the man leading the line. As the prayer finishes, he drops to his knees and swings his fist into the naked guys balls, flooring him! The naked guy slowly comes to his senses and crawls out of the mosque. Confused, the marine asks the mosque leader what's going on... "These men are thieves, rapists and murderers from all over Afghanistan." He says, "Instead of prison, their punishment is to walk through the desert in nothing but their sandals, receive Allah's justice, then return home." The marine returns to his post and continues to watch these unusual punishments. After 6 long months of no bed, no clean water, no toilet and witnessing this unusual justice system, his replacement arrives. "Hey, my last post was in Korea, how is it here?" Asks the replacement. "And what's with this queue of naked guys in the middle of nowhere!?" "Well, I'll be honest with you", replies the marine, "this a shit post, and what you're looking at here is a criminal punch line."

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

-- Go bring me a beer and I'll tell you. -- But mommy said you should stop drinking! -- Get yourself an ice-cream too while you bring me that beer. -- Oh, okay!

The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea."

I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?" Father: "Sure son. What's the question?" Son: "What is Politics?" Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her "Government". We take care of your need, so let's call you "The People". We'll call the maid "The Working Class" and your little brother, we can call "The Future". Do you understand son? Son: "I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it." That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father. Son: "Dad, now I think i understand what politics is." Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?" Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit."

“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.

He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties. I thought, fuck me, I might win this

A woman hears a knock on the door and when she opens the door a man asks this. Man: Do you have a vagina? Woman slams the door in disgust The next morning she hears a knock again and answers the door. The man asks the same question Man: do you have a vagina? She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband comes home from work she tells him what's happened the past 2 days. The husband says in a concerned voice "Honey I'm going to take the day off work tomorrow and stay with you incase that creep shows again". The next day there is a knock at the door again, both the husband and wife rush to the door, the husband whispers " I'm going to hide behind the door, if he asks the question again say yes because I want to know where he's going with this" The man asks again " do you have a vagina?" Woman answers " yes actually I have a vagina, why? " The man replies " oh wow good! That means you can tell your husband to start using it and leave my wife's alone!".

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in. **Edit:** Did not expect this joke to take off. Made it to the front page for a little while. **Edit 2:** Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

... They had dinner at the Kremlin and sat down afterwards alone for drinks and cigars and to discuss business. After a little bit Putin asks Trump "hey, you wanna see something?" and he rings a little bell that's sitting on the coffee table. A beautiful blond walks in to the room, kneels in front of Putin, and without a word starts giving him a blowjob right there in front of Trump. A few minutes go by and Putin smacks the blond once on the back of the head, she gets up, and without a word leaves the room. Putin smiles at Trump. "You wanna try too?" He asks. "Yes" says Trump enthusiastically "but please don't smack my head when you're done".