Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

I was at the grocery store checkout with a large bag of dog biscuits and the clerk asked if I had a dog. I was feeling a bit crabby, so I told her no, I was starting The Dog Biscuit Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because although last time I lost 50 pounds, I ended up in the hospital in intensive care. Her eyes about popped out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that they’re nutritionally complete: the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. Finally she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I calmly said, "No… I was sitting in the street licking myself when a car hit me."

I’m a Homer sexual

So there’s an extremely successful crab who lives in Dallas, Texas as a movie producer. Now obviously once you get to a certain level in the film industry, your work demands a certain market - in this case, his production company needs him in Hollywood. So him and his white fish wife and crab children pack their bags and head to LA. This is a hard move for him since he is a very conservative crab. His white fish wife, however, likes the new move to LA due to her more left leaning ideology. After some time living in LA and meeting new people and learning a new culture, the white fish wife felt inspired to embrace her true self and start imitating a crab. Communicating this to her crab family wasn’t as inviting as she thought. The husband was upset, fearing it would affect his career and reputation. So upset and no chance of changing his mind, he decided to privately consult with a divorce attorney to plan everything out. He asks the attorney what this would look like if he decided to divorce her and pursue legal action. His attorney said, “Look, this isn’t Texas. Divorce laws are different here and not in your favor. If you divorce her, she’d end up with everything. She would be rolling in it. The crab says “So you’re telling me, if I California Su-shi roll?”

In this economy?

Mitosis.

The first three nails are free.

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her. She looks at him. They go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel looks at his watch. "Um, you have fifteen minutes left… would you care to do it again?" He asks her, "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh! Yes, let's! But we should change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head!"

I mean, there's more than one way to skin a cat.

Theatre. The audience is impatiently waiting for the premiere to begin. The lights go out. Silence. A minute later a man comes out on stage with a candle in his hand and a stool, puts the stool down, sets the candle on it, and starts masturbating. Two minutes later a voice from the last row breaks the silence: "Somebody please stop this!" The man grabs the candle, waves it: "Who's there?!"

I ask him if he's ok, and he replies inbetween his groans. "Nah I'm good don't worry" Me personally, I think he's full of shit.

Un deux trois cats sank.

“Oh goody!!! a chew chew train”

A Chinese peasant, some centuries ago, happened upon a man he knew who was wearing a *cangue* \-- a large wooden collar put on criminals which, among other things, meant they could not bring their hands to their faces and so were dependent on the mercy of strangers to allow them to eat and drink until their sentence was over. "Li!" he exclaimed. "Why have the judges put a *cangue* upon you?" "Oh," said Li, "because I picked up a piece of old rope in the street and walked off with it." "But surely they have not put you in the *cangue* simply for taking away an old piece of rope?" the peasant asked. "As to that," Li admitted, "it happened that there was an ox on the other end of the rope."

she went on Jeopardy because she thought the Daily Doubles were cheeseburgers.

because typically you only have to put up with a dog for fifteen years.

"Don't shoot, comrades!"

What does it matter if it's a cute liver failure or an ugly one? Just fix it!

Mabel picked up two potatoes the size of billiard balls when Marge commented, "Looks like my husbands balls". Mabel asked, "That large?". "No", replied Marge, "that dirty".

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says. He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either." He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

Q: How many Irish Catholic Mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Ahhh, don't you worry about that son, you just go out with your fancy women while I sit here home alone in the dark.

Brothel sprouts

Babar-sol.

They took 3 corpses into the lab and ran experiments. Subject 1 gets revived and thanks the scientists for saving him from Hell. Subject 2 gets revived and proceeds to scold the scientists for bringing him away from Heaven. Subject 3 gets revived and immediately runs away. When asked, he replies: "What the hell, I was playing Doom! Why'd you bring me here?"

My Lord grant that I may see The day when petrol is tax free, When traffic lights are always green And traffic jams are never seen, And wardens do not wait afar To plant a ticket on my car.

an erection in my sleep pants. But don't worry....I beat it single handed.

One man said, “I’ll take some H2O please”. The second man said “I’ll have some H2O, too”. The second man died.

Police say they've found 300 bodies but the death toll is expected to rise

When I was younger I used to think poop jokes were the greatest now at my age I would say there are a solid number two

Umommy

It was Reese’s niece’s thesis on feces.