Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

He wracked his mind for things to put in it. He spoke about how much he loved his mother, and how much he cherished her. He then wrote down his favourite memories, especially cooking with her when he was young in the kitchen. He always loved being her SIUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU chef.

Whipped Cream

A man walks up to the bartender and says "Million dollars? I'm in, what do I have to do?" The bartender days "Task 1, there's a big guy at the end of the bar, he's loud and obnoxious and ruins everyone's enjoyment. I need you to go knock him out. Task 2, there is an alligator out back with an abscesses tooth. I need you to remove the tooth from that alligator. And finally, there's an 80-year-old woman upstairs that hasn't seen any...ehm...male companionship in many years. I need you to address that too. " The man says "Pour me 3 shots of tequila and I'll get it done". The bartender obliged. The man walks up to the big guy at the end of the bar, and without warning punches him square in the jaw. He falls backwards out of this stool, flayed out on the floor. After that, the man walks out the back door to go deal with the alligator, and the door closes behind him. All the bar hears is smashing, grunting, screaming, crashing, all kinds of racket. But eventually, the noise dies down. The man walks back into the bar, bleeding, limping, and with clothes torm to pieces. He goes to the bartender and says... "Alright, where's the lady with the bad tooth?"

The girl asks "3am?! What the hell have you been doing?" The guy responds "Oh, I've just been playing some poker with the boys" "You said you would quit! We've been over this so many times! Pack your bags and get out of here, this isn't your house tonight" "You should probably do that too, this isn't your house anymore either"

They have antibodies

"The jerky store called, and they've run out of you!!"

She grins and says, "Wanna have a competition to see who can pee the highest?" The man smirks. "Alright, but ladies first." The woman steps up, pulls down her pants, leans back with her hands on her hips, and lets loose—her stream reaching chest height on the urinal. The man nods, clearly impressed. "Not bad, but I reckon I can beat that." He unzips, gets ready to aim, when— The woman smirks and says "Nah ah. No hands."

(Reposting here as too long for Dad jokes) Newish teacher was due for an inspection and was worried about how her class would make her look. Her boyfriend, an engineer, designed something special for her and installed it the night before the inspection. Basically, he'd placed drawing pins under each chair that were controlled by a wireless signal from teacher's iPad. Next morning, when the inspector walked in, she pressed the "all" button and the pins went into every pupils backside. Of course they all jumped up, and the inspector was impressed by the class' respectful behaviour. Next, the teacher told him she was doing a pop quiz on the Bible. First question was "Who was our Lord and Saviour?" She called on George and pressed his button. George jumped up, rubbing his bottom, exclaiming "Jesus Christ!" Next question was "Who was sent floating in a basket down the river?" This time it was Brian's turn to get the jab. He jumped up, rubbing his bottom, crying out "Holy Moses!" The next question was "What did Eve say to Adam in the Garden of Eden?" This time, she called upon Johnny (oh, will they never learn?) who'd been stung once and had seen the how the teacher was doing the tricks. Before she could press the button for Johnny, he'd already jumped up, saying "You're not going to stick that thing in me."

But I told him I couldn't, because I had a weak back. He asked me how long I'd had a weak back. And I said "Oh, about a week back."

"My car is broken, and I need it fixed ASAP." **Quantum Mechanic:** No problem. That’ll be $500. Come back in an hour. The man waits an hour and returns. "Is my car fixed?" **Quantum Mechanic:** Your car is both fixed and still broken. Frustrated, the man says, **"This is the most advanced, most expensive, most important car in the world! Do you understand the GRAVITY of this situation?"** **Quantum Mechanic:** No

Being nose or throat responsible

Cause he was a wobbly

She said, "Sure." I said, "Never mind, it's too long."

what a fool he was, for I felt no pain.

Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.

After a few months, the son returns and says, "Dad, I’ve become a Christian." Shocked, the father confides in his friend, who listens and then sighs, "That’s strange… I sent my son to Israel last year, and he also came back a Christian!" Baffled, they decide to visit their Rabbi for guidance. After hearing their stories, the Rabbi strokes his beard and says, "This is unbelievable… My son also went to Israel—and he too came back a Christian!" Now completely bewildered, they agree there’s only one place left to turn. Together, they pray: "Oh God, what is happening? We send our sons to Israel to strengthen their Judaism, and they all return as Christians!" A deep voice rumbles from the heavens: "Tell me about it..."

Well Myanmar are going to put an end to that.

They never called me back from the porn studio

G Wiz

**Child support.**

We went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web developer.

It's a real udon it.

A lady walks up and she says “excuse me.” He says “yes”. She asks “where’s the broccoli? I can’t find the broccoli.” He says “oh, I’m really sorry ma’am, we ran out of broccoli. We will have some tomorrow morning.” He goes back to work and is stacking the oranges and hears behind him “Mr., Mr.” He turns around and it’s the same lady. “Where’s the broccoli at. You got any broccoli?” He says, “No ma’am, we’re fresh out of broccoli. We’ll have some tomorrow morning.” He goes back to work, and a couple minutes later this woman walks right up in his face and says “How come I can’t find any broccoli?” He says “lady, do me a favor, will you?” She says “what?” He says “indulge me. How do you spell cat, like in catastrophic?” She says “C.A.T.” “How do you spell dog, like in dogmatic?” “D.O.G.” “How do you spell fuck, like in broccoli?” She says “there is no fuck in broccoli.” He says “that’s what I’m trying to tell you lady!”

Why did Olive Oyl tell Popeye not to eat any spinach before bed? Because he kept singing... I'm quick to the finish, when I eats my spinach

I said, "It’s my weekend immune system."

A woman was giving birth soon. The doctor told her an her husband that there was an experimental machine that could transfer the pain of labor to the father. They agreed to try it. The day arrived and the doctor set the machine at 10%. The husband wasn't phased and told the doctor to turn it up. The pregnancy pain was transferred more and more and at 100% the mother had a pain free labor and the husband didn't notice a thing. They took the baby home and the mailman was dead in the porch.

[translated from Yiddish] The Rabbi frowns at him. "So it's a new name you want, is it? Why? What's wrong with the name your mother and father gave you? The name you had when you were given your *bris*? The name you had when you became a *bar mitzvah*? The name you had when you stood under the *chuppa* and married your wife? Why do you want to change this? What *is* your name, anyway?" "Adolf Cumguzzler." The Rabbi recoils in horror. "Oy! Such a name, such a terrible, terrible name! I don't blame you for wanting to change it. If I had that name, I'd want to change it myself. So what do you want to change it *to*?" "*Franz* Cumguzzler." (Told to me by my grandfather, a German Jew who fled Germany for the United States literally days before this would have become impossible.)

Did you hear about the Boxer who couldn't tell jokes. But they had a punchline.

... from being a bad liver.

“Well hey there friend! Where do ya hail from?” “I’m from Ireland.” “No kidding! I’m from Ireland myself! What part of Ireland?” “Grew up in Wexford.” “Wexford?! No kidding! I grew up in Wexford myself!” “Well what are the chances of that?! Say, what secondary school did you go to?” “I went to St Peters Secondary” “ St Peters Secondary?! I went to St Peters Secondary! I’ll be darned! What year did you graduate?” “1979” “1979??!! That’s the year I graduated! What are the chances of that?!!” Well as these 2 guys are just flabbergasted at the chances of this meeting, another guy at the end of the bar is watching curiously. He calls over to the bartender & asks “hey what on earth is going on over there?” To which the bartender replies, “ah nothing. Just the O’Malley twins drunk again.”