Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

Oh, high marks.

So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" He asks. The driver says, "$15" "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15" "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15" The guy hands him $15 and says "great let's go" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.

At age 40, success is having money. At age 55, success is having sex. At age 70, success is having a driver's license. At age 75, success is having friends. At age 80, success is not pooping your pants. At age 100, success is being alive.

“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.” “But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.” “Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor. “Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife now has it, too.” “Son of a bitch!” the physician roared. “That means we’ve all got it!”

An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.

I said, “No. Is that still required?”

Jane explained to him what it was. Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. "Here." she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!" Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.

An NSFW tag

Apparently not. - Edit: Thanks for the gold (gild?), kind stranger.

None. They'll just beat the room for being black.

A white scientist is studying an African tribe. One day, the tribe leaders wife has a white son. The tribe leader approaches the scientist soon after. "Well, we both know what happened here. No one else could have done it. You slept with my wife, I have to kill you." The tribe leader says. The scientist's brow furrows as he is deep in thought. "No no no sir there's been a terrible misunderstanding!" The scientist exclaims. "Look out at the pasture." He points his index finger to the fields, where a flock of sheep are grazing. "Yes, what is the matter? It's just sheep." The tribe leader asks. "Do you see that sheep? It's black, while the rest of the sheep are white. The same can be said about your son, It simply happens sometimes in nature." The tribe leader grasps the scientists shoulders and stares him down intensely. "I won't say anything about my son if you don't say anything about that sheep"

A: 1 GB Edit: Getting lots of people complaining because I said thanks. Well tuff. It’s polite. Thanks everyone :)

She’s the one who chose to work from home, and she knows how I feel about dat ass.

He caught COVID-19, has massive debt, is about to be evicted from his house and is going to lose his job

It’s a race between two 70+ year old men. What do you expect?

Guy: "I'm coming over" Girl: "We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over."

They are already experts at recycling.

The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"

A Sandy Eggo. - Compliments of my cousin's 6 year old daughter (She says "Hi" by the way). -EDIT: Wow, this blew up a lot more than I thought it would. My first gold and my first post to make it to the front page. You are too kind, Reddit.

The daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day, the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!"

\[removed\]

Slightly left-leaning, and nobody's first choice.

They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock. (I made this up myself, I’m really proud of it) Edit: Deleted the long edits. Thanks for the gold. Feel free to repost and make it better.

The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.

I'd be her type.

Either you have double dosage of dad jokes or you are stuck in cycle of “go ask your mom”

What they don't know is that it cures salmon.

‌‌He s‌‌its t‌‌hem a‌‌ll d‌‌own a‌‌nd t‌‌ells t‌‌hem: "‌‌There i‌‌s b‌‌ound t‌‌o c‌‌ome a‌‌ t‌‌ime i‌‌n t‌‌his c‌‌ompany w‌‌hen y‌‌ou w‌‌ill h‌‌it a‌‌ s‌‌udden e‌‌conomic c‌‌risis. W‌‌hen t‌‌hese t‌‌imes c‌‌ome y‌‌ou m‌‌ust k‌‌now h‌‌ow t‌‌o c‌‌ut d‌‌own o‌‌n e‌‌xpenses a‌‌nd d‌‌o t‌‌he b‌‌est y‌‌ou c‌‌an w‌‌ith w‌‌hat b‌‌udget y‌‌ou h‌‌ave." Then h‌‌e p‌‌roceeds t‌‌o g‌‌ive t‌‌hem e‌‌ach 1‌‌000 d‌‌ollars, a‌‌nd t‌‌ells t‌‌hem t‌‌hat h‌‌e w‌‌ill c‌‌ome b‌‌ack t‌‌o t‌‌he m‌‌ine i‌‌n a‌‌ w‌‌eek, a‌‌nd s‌‌ee w‌‌hich o‌‌f t‌‌hem h‌‌ave b‌‌een a‌‌ble t‌‌o m‌‌ove t‌‌he m‌‌ost o‌‌re w‌‌ith t‌‌he m‌‌oney t‌‌hey w‌‌ere g‌‌iven. He r‌‌eturns a‌‌fter o‌‌ne w‌‌eek t‌‌o c‌‌heck u‌‌p o‌‌n t‌‌hem, a‌‌nd a‌‌pproaches h‌‌is o‌‌ldest s‌‌on. "How m‌‌uch d‌‌igging h‌‌ave y‌‌ou b‌‌een a‌‌ble t‌‌o d‌‌o?", h‌‌e a‌‌sks. "3 t‌‌ons o‌‌f o‌‌re, f‌‌ather. I‌‌ u‌‌sed 3‌‌00 d‌‌ollars t‌‌o b‌‌uy a‌‌ b‌‌roken d‌‌igger, I‌‌ t‌‌hen u‌‌sed m‌‌y b‌‌usiness c‌‌ontacts t‌‌o f‌‌ind a‌‌ m‌‌echanic w‌‌illing t‌‌o f‌‌ix i‌‌t f‌‌or j‌‌ust 2‌‌00 d‌‌ollars i‌‌f I‌‌ g‌‌ave h‌‌is 5‌‌ k‌‌ids a‌‌ j‌‌ob. T‌‌he y‌‌outh i‌‌s s‌‌o d‌‌esperate f‌‌or a‌‌ j‌‌ob t‌‌his d‌‌ay, t‌‌hey w‌‌ill d‌‌o 1‌‌2 h‌‌our s‌‌hifts e‌‌ven f‌‌or a‌‌n i‌‌nternship, a‌‌nd I‌‌ o‌‌nly h‌‌ad t‌‌o p‌‌ay t‌‌hem 1‌‌00 d‌‌ollars e‌‌ach f‌‌or a‌‌ w‌‌eek o‌‌f w‌‌ork" The f‌‌ather p‌‌ats h‌‌is s‌‌on p‌‌roudly o‌‌n t‌‌he s‌‌houlder b‌‌efore m‌‌oving o‌‌n t‌‌o h‌‌is m‌‌iddle c‌‌hild, a‌‌sking h‌‌im h‌‌ow m‌‌uch m‌‌ining h‌‌e h‌‌ad b‌‌een a‌‌ble t‌‌o d‌‌o a‌‌s w‌‌ell. "10 t‌‌ons o‌‌f o‌‌re, f‌‌ather. I‌‌ u‌‌sed 1‌‌00 d‌‌ollars t‌‌o r‌‌un a‌‌ l‌‌ocal a‌‌d i‌‌n t‌‌he n‌‌ewspaper a‌‌sking f‌‌or w‌‌orkers, t‌‌hen t‌‌ook i‌‌n 7‌‌5 u‌‌ndocumented i‌‌mmigrants w‌‌ho a‌‌ll b‌‌rought t‌‌heir o‌‌wn t‌‌ools a‌‌nd s‌‌hovels. T‌‌hey're a‌‌ll s‌‌o a‌‌fraid o‌‌f b‌‌eing t‌‌aken b‌‌y i‌‌mmigration t‌‌hat t‌‌hey're w‌‌illing t‌‌o w‌‌ork f‌‌or h‌‌alf m‌‌inimum w‌‌age." The f‌‌ather l‌‌ooks s‌‌keptically a‌‌t h‌‌is s‌‌on f‌‌or a‌‌ w‌‌hile, b‌‌ut n‌‌otices t‌‌he m‌‌assive p‌‌iles o‌‌f o‌‌re t‌‌he w‌‌orkers a‌‌re c‌‌arrying o‌‌ut, a‌‌nd g‌‌ives h‌‌im a‌‌ n‌‌od b‌‌efore c‌‌arrying o‌‌n t‌‌o h‌‌is y‌‌oungest s‌‌on. "How m‌‌uch m‌‌ining h‌‌ave y‌‌ou b‌‌een a‌‌ble t‌‌o d‌‌o?", a‌‌sks t‌‌he f‌‌ather. "35 t‌‌ons, d‌‌ad, b‌‌ut I‌‌ d‌‌idn't u‌‌se a‌‌ny o‌‌f t‌‌he b‌‌udget." The f‌‌ather l‌‌ooks a‌‌t h‌‌im i‌‌n a‌‌we, h‌‌is j‌‌aw d‌‌ropping, "‌‌how w‌‌ere y‌‌ou a‌‌ble t‌‌o m‌‌ove 3‌‌5 t‌‌ons o‌‌f o‌‌re f‌‌or f‌‌ree!?" "I i‌‌nvited a‌‌ b‌‌unch o‌‌f c‌‌onspiracy t‌‌heorists. T‌‌hey j‌‌ust k‌‌eep d‌‌igging d‌‌eeper a‌‌nd d‌‌eeper t‌‌hinking t‌‌hey're g‌‌oing t‌‌o f‌‌ind s‌‌omething, a‌‌nd e‌‌very t‌‌ime I‌‌ t‌‌ell t‌‌hem t‌‌o t‌‌ake a‌‌ b‌‌reak t‌‌hey a‌‌ccuse m‌‌e o‌‌f t‌‌rying t‌‌o w‌‌ithhold t‌‌he t‌‌ruth f‌‌rom t‌‌hem!"