Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

But they aren’t heartless

He spends ages checking her out, but doesn't have the nerve to speak to her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes hurtling out of its socket towards him. He reaches out, grabs it in the air and gives it back to her. "Oh,l am so sorry, the woman says as she pops the eye back in. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a fantastic meal together then go to the theatre, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest thoughts and he shares his. After paying for everything, she invites him back to her place. Next morning, she cooks them both a gourmet breakfast. The man is amazed. You are the perfect woman, he says. Are you this nice to every man you meet?" "No,' she replies. You just happened to catch my eye."

...Said Noah as the ark began to sink...

Many people are recycling old jokes.

Especially after a 31 day march (Was supposed to upload yesterday forgot to press send)

I'm the youngest of three siblings - my oldest brother, middle sister, and me. My sister had her first child a couple of years ago. Really sweet kid, and at the point of just starting to pick up language. Once she learns a new word, she'll point to different things and say the word, to test if it works. Like when she learned the word 'cat', she would point to things and say, 'Cat!' So now, it's our job to correct her and say things like, 'That's right!' or 'No, honey, that's a DOG. Can you say 'dog'?' You know how these things go. She's learning pretty quickly, and moving onto more difficult, multi-syllabic words. Recently, she learned the word 'computer', but her pronunciation is a little off. So when I went over to my sister's place last weekend, my niece greated me at the door, pointing at me and saying, 'comPOOPer!' I said, "No, honey, that's your other uncle."

When he tells me my granddaughter has grown half a foot since I last saw her I don’t know whether to be excited or very, very concerned.

Testickles

I called my girlfriend earlier today, but all my calls went straight to voicemail. So, I decided to call her from a coworker’s phone. When someone picked up, I heard a sweet little voice say, “Hello?” It was my girlfriend’s daughter. I said, “Hey, honey! I’m at work. What are you and Mommy up to?” She goes, “Well, I just ate a sandwich, and Mommy’s upstairs with Uncle Eddie.” I paused. “Uncle Eddie? We don’t have an Uncle Eddie.” She confidently replied, “Yes, we do! Uncle Eddie is upstairs with Mommy in the bedroom.” At this point, my alarm bells were going off. Something was fishy. So, I calmly asked, “Hey sweetheart, can you leave the phone downstairs, go upstairs, and tell Mommy that Daddy just pulled into the driveway?” I heard little footsteps running upstairs. About 65 seconds later, she picked the phone back up. I asked, “What happened?” She said, “Mommy ran downstairs naked, but she slipped and fell. She’s not moving.” I was like, “Oh, shoot… okay. What about Uncle Eddie?” She replied, “Uncle Eddie jumped out of the window, but he barely missed the pool. He’s not moving either.” And that’s when I realized… We just lost two people today. And I don’t have a pool. So, I hung up the phone… because that was the wrong number.

"Doc, I think something’s wrong with my junk." The doctor puts on his gloves. "Alright, drop your pants and let’s take a look." The man drops his pants, and his junk is completely orange. The doctor stares. "Whoa… what the hell have you been doing?!" The man sighs. "Well… not much lately. Just sitting at home, watching porn, and eating Doritos."

There was a Scottish house painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings. Smokey put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, buying paint and yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water... Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.. "Repaint! Repaint!* And thin no more!"*

We were at lunch and she told me that her boyfriend's mom and dad refused to let him date her. I said, "Who the hell are they to say anything about what two eighteen year old's do in a relationship! She responded, "Our parents".

During the hernia check she cupped my boys. Instead of "turn your head and cough" she begins yelling at me, "Stop running your fingers through my hair!"

The wheelchair

He nuts and bolts

Shots all around.

Because he was deriving drunk.

"The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!" "Mom, what is shit?" and she says, "Perfume." So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, "Fuck!" The boy asks, "Dad, what does fuck mean?" and dad says "preparing." Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says, "Where are the condoms?" The little boy asks, "What are condoms?" and his father says, "Condoms are coats and jackets." The following night his father invites over some important business clients. The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs fucking the chicken."

A man had gone to a city for a business expo. On his way to the train station to go home, he was thinking about how much he should have eaten at the city's seafood restaurants. So he leaned forward and asked his taxi driver, "Hey, bud. Do you know where a fellow could have gotten scrod around here?" The taxi driver paused for a moment, then said "Pal, I've been driving this cab for many years, and I've been asked that question by many people, but you're the first one to ask it in the pluperfect subjunctive."

A novice.

1.) What is a pear's favorite type of story? A Pear-able. 2.) What would the Re-Animator horror film series be called if the cast was replaced by pears? Re-Pear Man.

Lieutenant!

That's pretty nuts...

The only sound was the silence after each punchline.

One is Peter Parker, and the other is a pita parka

If you smell weed across a room, it’s good weed.

Getting home and realizing they have forgotten one of your containers…Riceless

Once done, he takes her husband aside and tells him: "Listen, Mr. Smith, next time you're really in the mood, consider for a moment: do you feel like you can support another child?" The husband answers: "Listen, Doctor, when I am really in the mood, I feel like I can support the whole state of Georgia."

Mr. T: It's April, fools!

Looking around, he finds himself in a big dark pit. Next to him, huge cauldrons are standing on fires, tended by demons. Screams fill the air. **Man**: What?! Why, God, why? I did my best all my life, I always followed Your word, I suffered, why did you send me to Hell? The closest demon looks at him. Without saying a word, he goes to a cauldron and lifts the lid. Then another. Then a third. The man sees his boss, his mother-in-law, the IRS... **Man**: Phew! Heaven!