Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight. Edit: credit for u/zwankyy

Oops, w‌‌rong s‌‌ub.

1) I want my remains spread around Disney World 2) I do not want to be cremated

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing. The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.” My God,” says his mother. “You can speak?” To which the German boy replies, “Of course.” "How come you've never spoken before?“ asks his father. “Well,” says the boy, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent. Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with my wife!" The doctor remains calm: "The answer lies in the genetics. Some genetics have recessive traits, which are not apparent to the parents but may be passed on to the child. For example, last week one of your sheep gave birth to a black sheep." The chieftain pauses for a thinking, then replies: "I tell you what. You say no word about black sheep and I say no word about white child."

“We’ve updated our privacy policy”

hands down

Everyone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am, you think "Thank God these are here"

They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds. After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, "Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I'm really cold." The woman responds, "Or we could just pretend to be married for the night?" The man replies, "That would be amazing." The woman smiles and says, "Okay. Get your own fucking blanket!"

Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey." So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael. Some time later, Sister Patrick is anxiously waiting at the Abbey when Sister Michael returns alone. "Thank the Lord you are alright!", exclaims Sister Patrick. "But what happened to that man? "Well," replies Sister Michael, "After a few minutes, I stopped and pulled up my dress." Sister Patrick stares in shock. "Then," continues Sister Michael, "he stopped and pulled down his trousers." Sister Patrick gasps. "Oh Sister, why would you let him do that?" "Because," explains Sister Michael, "a nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his trousers down!" *** Thanks to my English teacher for telling my class this when we were 13.

YOU MOTHER FUCKERS

But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it

When it’s flaccid you can only see WY. On a trip to the Caribbean I went to the bathroom and was standing at the trough next to a local. I briefly gazed down and saw that he too had WY tattooed on his penis. I asked him if his girlfriends name was also Wendy. He said ‘No. When I am aroused it says “Welcome to Jamaica- Have a nice day” ‘.

That was some sound advice.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Rolls-Royce stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Royce and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take care of it." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Royce, a mansion, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand menacingly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember. Because elephants never forget

"And I love you tons" I replied. "Wow fine, you don't have a nickname for me?" She said angrily. Sometimes I swear the fat cunt's going deaf.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc. “There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”. That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”. He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks; “What’s for dinner honey?” No answer. He moves closer. “What’s for dinner honey?” Still no answer. He moves even closer. “What’s for dinner honey?” Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife. “What’s for dinner honey?” “FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

I said I'd take either/oar.

LEFT WING DESTROYED

"Do you have the new book out for men with small penises?" She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." "That's the one; I'll take a copy…"

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane." The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson "And how about you, Sarah?" "I wanna be Larry's whore"

  he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.  The young guy drank a couple of beers she asked if he’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double?  ‘What’s that?’, he asked.  ‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said.  As his mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, ‘No, I haven’t.’  They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, ‘tonight’s your lucky night.’ They went back to her place, they walked in.  She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ‘Mom…you still awake

And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.

The nun agreed… A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?” The nun replied, “He went that way.” After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Iraq.” The nun said, “I understand completely.” The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!” The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don’t want to go to Iraq either...

For example: Johnny ate his own lunch after school. Johnny ate his own colon after school.

All the DNA matches and there are no dental records

"Let us prey."

The same goes for "explosive diarrhea".