Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

Something I learned in heinzsight

We eventually broke it off.

They succeeded where others failed because they had Atilla.

The agent then said: What kind of joke is this

I told her that close only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades, and laundry hampers. And this is when the fight began.

There’s this guy, Greg, who builds a supercomputer out of a self service checkout machine he finds in a junkyard. This thing is next level powerful, to the point where it can use AI to predict the future to a shocking accuracy. He asks the machine - What stocks should I invest in? The checkout machine tells him McDonald’s. Heeding the machines advice, Greg invests in McDonalds. Sure enough, the company goes through a phase of profit and Greg gets a fair bit of money. He asks the checkout machine - how can I make more money? The checkout machine tells him to buy a specific painting from a local charity shop. Heeding the checkout machines advice, Greg buys the painting, which turns out to be priceless. He gets a shit ton of money. Not wanting to stop, he asks the machine - How can I make even more money? The checkout machine tells him that a rich CEO’s son, Tim, is staying in a hotel nearby. He can kidnap Tim and hold him for ransom. Heeding the checkout machines advice, Greg assembles a crew to kidnap Tim and hold him ransom. So the day comes. Gregs crew go to kidnap Tim, whilst Greg monitors their progress from his lair using the checkout machine The crew break into Tim’s hotel room whilst he’s sleeping. Now, funny story, Tim lost of one his eyes when he was younger. Very long story, business deal gone wrong etc etc. To replace it, Tim now has a fancy looking glass eye, which he takes out when he goes to sleep. Unfortunately for the crew, Tim has placed the glass eye on his bedside table, and as their preparing to grab him, the eye rolls off and hits the floor. SMASH. Tim immediately wakes up, sees the crew and starts fighting. He almost makes it to the door, but one crew member left there to guard knocks his lights out. The crew stuff him in a sack and put him in the boot of their car. The hard part is over. Unfortunately, the crew gets stuck in traffic on the way back, so they’re taking a really long time to get back to Greg. Back in his lair, Greg is panicking. It’s been a really long time. He thinks something has gone wrong with the heist. As the crew finally nears the lair, Greg hurriedly asks the checkout machine - Were there any complications? - Did they get Tim? - Where are they? And the checkout machine responds: UNEXPECTED EYE, TIM IN THE BAG, IN AREA

A guy meets a friend at the traffic light and goes: —Hey, how's your life going? —Great, I'm making a lot of money. —Ah, well, well, perfect. I'm full of money too. —Ah, ok; So, why do you drive that old Dacia? —Look, it's my lucky car and I wouldn't change it for anything in the world! —What do you mean? —I mean there's a genie inside the trunk —Are you kidding me?? —No, not at all. So the guy opens the trunk and inside there is a genie. And he goes: —Look: "Genie, I want a pasta carbonara!" And hop!... The genie makes a pasta alla carbonara appear. —Unbelievable! —Wait, wait. Watch: "I want a four-season pizza"... And there is the pizza. The other guy goes: —Wow, but it's amazing, incredible! I want this car! —No, look, there is no talk of it at all; I don't sell it and you know why. —Do you accept one million? —No, I don't want to know about it —For 2 millions? —No, absolutely nothing —Ok, and for 5 millions?" —Well... okay, okay. They go to the bank, sign a contract, the guy takes the check and the other takes the car. He comes home with that old Dacia, his girlfriend sees the car and says: —But.. but what is that crap?? —No, look, you don't understand, darling; this car is magical! Inside the trunk there is a genie. —Are you kidding me? —No, no, look... He opens the trunk and the genie appears. And he goes: —Now, look. "Genie: do you see my wife? I want you to cover her with diamonds." And the genie says: —No, look, Luca hasn't explained it to you; I only can make 4 seasons pizza and pasta alla carbonara.

Tomorrow

**Mom:** "Daddy doesn’t have two willies!" **Johnny:** "Sure he does! He has the little soft one he uses to pee out of and the massive hard one he uses to brush the babysitter’s teeth with!"

I rely on natural stupidity.

The first man says “ I have so much trouble going number one. It comes out in spits and sputters and takes forever. I would give anything to have a good pee.” The second man says “With me, it’s number two. I am so backed up. It’s horrible. I really need to take a good crap.” The third man nods and says “Well for me, it’s all very regular. At 7AM every morning I do number one like a fountain. It comes out perfectly in flowing stream. And number two also happens at the same time, and my bowels empty completely, as smooth as flowing lava.” The other two men look at each other, confused and ask “That doesn’t sound bad at all. What’s the problem?” “The problem,” says the third man, “is that I don’t get out of bed until 9:30!”

people are dying to get in

a flat minor

Army..

It's called The High Ground

It’s naan of your business.

When they were horny

>!Oh, all sorts!!!<

Did you know that the Native Americans used to carry around two outhouse tents wherever they travelled? They called one the tee-pee, and the other one the too-poo

I recently lost my job and so have been researching new careers. I've decided to open a tattoo parlor where women can flash me for a discount. I'm going to call it "Tit for Tat."

The barkeeper asks: "Do you all want beer?" The first one answers: "I don't know." The second one answers: "I don't know." The third one answers: "Yes!"

Because they were fighting tooth and nail.

So that weekend, he went out to the pub on the promise that he was going to be sensible and not get himself into too much of a state. Naturally, a mere few hours later he had gotten himself absolutely wrecked and vomited all over his new shirt. He starts panicking and saying to his friend ‘what am I going to do? She said if I done this again she would leave me!’ His mate says ‘don’t panic, what you do is- you walk in and say… I can explain, someone else was sick on me and they gave me this £40 to get it cleaned up’ So he walks home with £40 in one hand and he says to his wife ‘don’t worry, this wasn’t my fault, some idiot was sick and he gave me this money as his way of saying sorry’ She said to him ‘There’s 80 there…what about the £40 in the other hand?’ He said ‘ah, that was an apology from the guy who crapped in my jeans.’

She goes up to the man standing behind the bar and she grabs him by his magnificent and long straggly beard which goes way down past his waist And she whispers to him in a seductive tone ‘are you the landlord?’ He says ‘no no, sorry, I’m just the barman- the landlord isn’t here just now’ As he answers, she keeps grabbing his beard, stroking it all over; tugging on it gently with every word as she whispers to him ‘do you know when the landlord will be back?’ He says ‘ehhhh no I’m not sure at all sorry’ And as she continues massaging his facial hair she says to him ‘okay… well when you see the landlord…. You can tell him, ….. there’s no paper towels in the ladies bathroom’.

His name? Pikup Andropov

“For my name is Jehovah, and I am your father.” “No way”, replied the crowd. “Yahweh.”

YOU KNOW IT MAKES ME WANNA SHOUT! KICK MY HEELS UP AND SHOUT! THROW MY HANDS BACK AND SHOUT! THROW MY HEAD BACK AND SHOUT!

no rugrats

How am I supposed to know what to do with it now?

So a Japanese, English, and Australian man are captured by a group of cannibals when out in the jungle. The cannibals' leader says "We will make jackets from your skin, but we shall let you choose how you'll die." So the Japanese man asks for a katana, and stabs himself in the heart. The English man asks for a pistol, and puts it to his head. He says "God Save the King!" before pulling the trigger. The Australian man asks for a plastic fork. Confused, the cannibals give it to him. The Australian man starts stabbing at himself in all directions for nearly 5 whole minutes. Before bleeding out, he says "Fuck your stupid jackets!"