Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

**Mom:** "Daddy doesn’t have two willies!" **Johnny:** "Sure he does! He has the little soft one he uses to pee out of and the massive hard one he uses to brush the babysitter’s teeth with!"

I rely on natural stupidity.

The first man says “ I have so much trouble going number one. It comes out in spits and sputters and takes forever. I would give anything to have a good pee.” The second man says “With me, it’s number two. I am so backed up. It’s horrible. I really need to take a good crap.” The third man nods and says “Well for me, it’s all very regular. At 7AM every morning I do number one like a fountain. It comes out perfectly in flowing stream. And number two also happens at the same time, and my bowels empty completely, as smooth as flowing lava.” The other two men look at each other, confused and ask “That doesn’t sound bad at all. What’s the problem?” “The problem,” says the third man, “is that I don’t get out of bed until 9:30!”

people are dying to get in

a flat minor

Army..

It's called The High Ground

It’s naan of your business.

When they were horny

>!Oh, all sorts!!!<

Did you know that the Native Americans used to carry around two outhouse tents wherever they travelled? They called one the tee-pee, and the other one the too-poo

I recently lost my job and so have been researching new careers. I've decided to open a tattoo parlor where women can flash me for a discount. I'm going to call it "Tit for Tat."

The barkeeper asks: "Do you all want beer?" The first one answers: "I don't know." The second one answers: "I don't know." The third one answers: "Yes!"

Because they were fighting tooth and nail.

So that weekend, he went out to the pub on the promise that he was going to be sensible and not get himself into too much of a state. Naturally, a mere few hours later he had gotten himself absolutely wrecked and vomited all over his new shirt. He starts panicking and saying to his friend ‘what am I going to do? She said if I done this again she would leave me!’ His mate says ‘don’t panic, what you do is- you walk in and say… I can explain, someone else was sick on me and they gave me this £40 to get it cleaned up’ So he walks home with £40 in one hand and he says to his wife ‘don’t worry, this wasn’t my fault, some idiot was sick and he gave me this money as his way of saying sorry’ She said to him ‘There’s 80 there…what about the £40 in the other hand?’ He said ‘ah, that was an apology from the guy who crapped in my jeans.’

She goes up to the man standing behind the bar and she grabs him by his magnificent and long straggly beard which goes way down past his waist And she whispers to him in a seductive tone ‘are you the landlord?’ He says ‘no no, sorry, I’m just the barman- the landlord isn’t here just now’ As he answers, she keeps grabbing his beard, stroking it all over; tugging on it gently with every word as she whispers to him ‘do you know when the landlord will be back?’ He says ‘ehhhh no I’m not sure at all sorry’ And as she continues massaging his facial hair she says to him ‘okay… well when you see the landlord…. You can tell him, ….. there’s no paper towels in the ladies bathroom’.

His name? Pikup Andropov

“For my name is Jehovah, and I am your father.” “No way”, replied the crowd. “Yahweh.”

YOU KNOW IT MAKES ME WANNA SHOUT! KICK MY HEELS UP AND SHOUT! THROW MY HANDS BACK AND SHOUT! THROW MY HEAD BACK AND SHOUT!

no rugrats

How am I supposed to know what to do with it now?

So a Japanese, English, and Australian man are captured by a group of cannibals when out in the jungle. The cannibals' leader says "We will make jackets from your skin, but we shall let you choose how you'll die." So the Japanese man asks for a katana, and stabs himself in the heart. The English man asks for a pistol, and puts it to his head. He says "God Save the King!" before pulling the trigger. The Australian man asks for a plastic fork. Confused, the cannibals give it to him. The Australian man starts stabbing at himself in all directions for nearly 5 whole minutes. Before bleeding out, he says "Fuck your stupid jackets!"

"I just miss the passion and drive we used to have in our early twenties," the wife explained. The friend thought for a moment and reached into her purse to pull out a bottle of pills. "My husband and I were in a similar slump a few months ago, but these really helped. Just crush it up and put it in his morning coffee and I promise it will spice things up." The wife takes the pills eagerly and they finish their meetup before parting ways. A few days later, they meet up again and the wife throws the pill bottle back at her friend. "What happened? It didn't work?" The friend asked. "Oh it worked alright," said the wife, fuming. "I crushed it up and put it in his coffee, just like you said. He barely even finished his cup before he pounced on me, threw me on the table, and made wild, passionate love to me like never before." "Then I don't understand; why are you upset?" "Because we can NEVER go back to that Starbucks again."

A female teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class of 3rd grade. The boy said "Ma'am, I should be in 4th grade, Ï'm smarter than my sis & she's in the 4th grade". The M'am {Teacher} had heard enough of his complains & took the boy to the Principal's office. She explained everything to the Principal who decided to test the boy with some questions that a 4th grade should know. * *Principal: What's 3+3?* Boy: 6 * *Principal: 6+6?* Boy: 12 & so on.. The Principal asked the boy many questions and the boy got them right. The Principal then asked M'am to send the boy to 4th grade. M'am decided to ask some more questions & the Principal agreed. 1. *M'am: What does a cow have 4 of,that Ï've only 2 of?* Boy: Legs 2. *M'am: What's in ur pants that u have but I don't have?* Boy: Pockets 3. *M'am: What starts with a C & ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious & contains thin whitish liquid?* Boy: Coconut 4. *M'am: What goes in hard & pink then comes out soft & sticky?* The principal's eyes open really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge. Boy: Bubble Gum 5. *M'am: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do. What am I?* Boy: Tent. The principal was looking restless 6. *M'am: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me 1st; what am I?* Boy: Wedding Ring 7. *M'am: I come in many sizes. When Ï'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good?* Boy: Nose 8. *M'am: I've a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver* Boy: Arrow 9. *M'am: What starts with 'F' & ends with a 'K' & if u dont get it, u've to use ur hand?* Boy:Fork 10. *M'am: Whats it that all men have,it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his & a man gives it to his wife after marriage?* Boy: Surname 11. *M'am: What part of the man has no bone, but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpin & is responsible for making love?* Boy: Heart The principal breathed a sigh of relief & told the teacher "Send the boy to University, I got the last 10 questions wrong myself!"

Rumour has it that Elon Musk and Bill Gates are creating a new drug for penis enlargement. It’s called Elongates. And it cures a condition called Microsoft!!

“I always worry when you go on a business trip,” the wife confided to her husband. “Don’t worry, dear,” he replied, “I’ll be back sooner than you realize and when you least expect it.” “I know,” she said, and then to herself, ‘*That’s what worries me*.’

Its a Miss Steak not to eat a Sir Loin!

Beware when writing your order « Hello i want to buy your Kurds! -Sir we only sell cheese, not Kurds, you will have to call saddam hussein for that! »

I'll let you know

A co-worker notices and asks, "So, what are you up to next week?" The woman smiles and replies, "Oh I'll be jet setting. It's going to be wonderful." "Oh yeah? Portugal?" "Nope. Shower head."