Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

"You better work!"

I told her, "The one from Sesame Street." She replied, "He doesn't count." I said, "Oh, I assure you, he most certainly does."

Frustrated, the conductor sarcastically says, "if a musician is too dumb to play any instrument, they give him two sticks and make him the drummer." The drummer then answers, "true, and if he is too dumb to do even that, they take one of the sticks away and make him the conductor."

Found this odd gem in an ancient text file. Haven't seen it anywhere else! A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So, she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs. Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?" The elderly gentleman replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."

The young college students on their first date drove to a country festival. As they were returning the guy stopped the car, turned to his date, and after making some subtle advances, suggested that they get naked and spend some time together in the back seat. “OK,” said the girl, “but I have to let you know that I’m actually a prostitute, and this will cost you $150.” He hesitated but reluctantly agreed, gave her the money, and they made love. After they had finished and had put their clothes back on, the guy just sat motionless in the drivers’ seat. “Aren’t we leaving?” the girl asked. “Well,” said the guy, “Not quite yet. I’m actually a cab driver and the fare to and from the festival is $150.”

that night the husband comes home & extols the virtues of "shaving down below". The mum shaves & a few days later the child wanders into the bathroom again & enquires "where's your sponge?" The mum thinks quickly again & says "I lost it, could you help me find it?" & proceeds to think nothing more of it. Two days later the child comes running into the house frantically, when the mum asks what the hurry is the child says "I found your sponge!!". Intrigued, the mum says "oh, ok, whereabouts exactly did you find it?". The child replies "I was playing with Timmy next door when we heard some noises, we went to see what it was & when we looked in his parent's bedroom, Mrs Jones was washing dad's face with it!"

**Because it’s their tightest material.**

You were warned about your car’s warranty expiring.

Because seven eights ass

A Dentured servant

They were too big for the British to take.

Now it's 9:44, and my wrist is killing me

A blind man comes to the beach. He unpacks his bag and starts blowing up a rubber doll. A mother is sitting nearby and hisses at him: "How dare you unpack your sex doll on a public beach? There are children here!" He turns bright red and stammers:" I'm sorry, I thought ... Damn, so I've been shagging my air mattress all winter!"

Paddy O’Reilly is driving down a country road when he happens upon youn Kevin, slowly shuffling alongside the road, with his head down. “And why is that you walking alone, all consumed in thought, Young Kevin?” “My mom died, yesterday”, Kevin explains. “I see. That’s tragic. Should I ask Father O’Malley to come over to comfort ye?” “No thanks, Mr O’Reilly. Sex is the last thing on my mind right now”?

Little Johnny is out in the yard with his dad one day and he sees Dad light a cigarette. After watching him for a few seconds, Johnny asks, "Daddy, can I have a puff of your cigarette?" Dad looks at him and says, "Does your dick touch your asshole?" "No, sir." Johnny answered. Dad says, "Then no, you can't have a draw off my cigarette." A short while later, Dad pops open a can of beer. Johnny again watches him for a few seconds then asks Dad, "It sure is hot out here. Can I have a drink of that cold beer?" Dad repeats the question, "Does your dick touch your asshole?" Johnny sheepishly replies, "No, sir." "Well when it does, I'll give you a beer." Soon after, Johnny pulls some candy out of his pocket and starts eating it. Dad says, "Give me a piece of that candy, Johnny." Johnny, seeing his opportunity, asks hid dad, "Well, Daddy, does your dick touch your asshole?" Dad looks at him with a smile and says, "As a matter of fact, son, yes, it does!" Johnny smiles back and tells him, "Good, you can go fuck yourself!"

I'm never doing that again. I'm going back to whipped cream.

The more I miss da meaner I get!

You call her

They told me that if I keep up what I'm doing they'll take me on a waterboarding trip to Guantanamo Bay. So excited!

So I chose "Snow White and the 7 Dwarves".

He would drown.

Call it foolish pride, but I refuse to do anyone else's bidding.

Your wife has to chew before she swallows

A big misunderstanding ensued.

They had been spent 24 hours straight on this until they got too tired and decided to call it a day

Then tell me why - girls fear cockroaches more than guys?

They were un-ovoid-able

Because it’s made of Cryptonite

Just like yo momma.

When I woke up the next morning my dick was in the kitchen making me breakfast.