Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

The Pavement...

Academia nuts

Holds up 2 fingers, and says "3 beers please!"

In big sized cups.

"Get your cuirass out of here!"

Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? A: It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

Or do I?

Arrrrr-becue!

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance: "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!" So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-Dead Good Looking and Help with Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street. The 1st floor has wives that love sex. The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

but his inner voice kept telling him, "if you build it, they will come"

to come in handy

He wouldn’t have been crucified, instead we would be celebrating him getting stoned.

She was asking for relationship advice and apparently took me too seriously when I told her that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Pokémon the shoulder.

Three men tragically are killed in a car accident and find themselves at the gates of Heaven. They’re met by Saint Peter. “Guys, welcome to Heaven! Entrance is not automatic, you need to pass a little test. In the old days, we used to examine your life, weigh your sins against your good deeds, that sort of thing. But these days, we’ve found that we’ve had to relax the entrance requirements quite a bit, as otherwise we’re finding very few candidates make it in. So here’s the test: What’s the meaning of Easter?” The first unfortunate soul nervously speaks out. “Well, er, Easter is when we cut down a tree, bring it in the house and decorate it, and Santa Claus brings us presents, and…” Peter cuts him off. “No, you’re thinking about Christmas. You go to Hell,” and with that, the man disappears in a puff of sulphuric smoke and fire. The next guy says, “Uhhh, Easter, hmm. Oh yeah, that’s when we have parades, politicians make speeches, we have picnics, at night we shoot off fireworks…” The Vicar of Christ sighs. “No, that’s not even a religious holiday. You’re thinking of American Independence Day. You go with the other guy.” Poof, and he was gone. The third man confidently begins. “The story of Easter is how our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, was crucified on the Cross to atone for our sins. He suffered, died, and was buried in the tomb. But on the third day, Easter Sunday, He rose from the dead, the stone covering the tomb was rolled away…” Peter is ready to cue the celestial trumpets and swing open the Gates. “… Jesus came out, saw his shadow, and we all had six more weeks of winter.”

I mean, statistically speaking, they’re more likely to be from Lyon, Paris, or somewhere else

She replied that aren’t we supposed to give up something we enjoy?

between the price of eggs being so high, and the crazy 240% tariffs on the plastic eggs from China

Not as hard as the kids who were 4 and 6 and the time.

Pity.

The waiter responds, “Excellent choice. And what year?” The blond replies “Well, duh - we want it now!”

turns out the jury’s diction was lacking.

A guy is hanging out in his favourite, bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly man. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a hooker. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him. The next night, he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. "Is it true you're a hooker?" "Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?" "Well, I dunno. What do you charge?" "I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there." "$100!! For a handjob? Are you nuts?" "You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs. "Trust me, it's worth it." The guy mulls it over for a while and decides what the hell. He leaves with her and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life. The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her. "Last night was incredible!" "Of course it was. Just wait till you try one of my blow jobs." "How much is that?" "$500" "$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!" "You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out front at a 12 storey apartment building. "I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust me, it's worth it." Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her and once again, is not disappointed. He nearly faints - twice! The next night, he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. "I'm totally hooked on you.... you are the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?" She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You see that island?" "Awwww c'mon..... You can't mean that!" She nods her head.. "You bet..... if I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!"

To hide their butt quacks.

It was Easter, so Jesus and Moses decided to revisit their old stomping grounds, just for old times sake. They decided to stop at the Red Sea. Moses pondered, "Can I still part the waters?" He raised his staff, and the waters parted. Lowered the staff and the waters came back together. Moses did this several times, each time the waters parted just like the first time. Jesus wondered, "Can I still walk upon the waters like I did?" He stepped onto a rock on the shoreline, looked at Moses, and stepped off the rock, onto the water. He immediately plunged to the bottom. Sputtering, he dragged himself back onto the rock for another attempt. Stepping off the rock for a second time, he again sank to the bottom. He climbed back on the rock, and decided maybe the third time was the charm. Nope, same result! After wringing the water out of his robe, he asked Moses "Why isn't this working? I used to be able to walk on the waters." Moses replied "Well, the last time you walked on the waters, you didn't have holes in your feet"

An artist asked the gallery owner If there been any interest in his paintings. I have good news and bad news the owner replied. the good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate and value after your death. when I told him it would he bought all 15 of your paintings. " that's wonderful" the artist exclaimed, "what's the bad news?" - the guy was your doctor

A man asks her: "mind if I say a word?". "No, of course not", the woman answers. The man stands, clears hos throat says "Plethora", and sits back down. "Thanks", the woman says, "that means a lot"

A famous soccer player, who shall of course remain nameless, got set up to go on a blind date. After an enjoyable evening, although interspersed with tales of his exploits in various games, the player persuaded the lady to park "to see the moon". After some mutual exploration, with more exploits narrated in between kisses, the footballer took the girl's hand, put it on his head, and asked, "Have you ever felt anything like this?" Confused, she shook her head and said, "No." The player informed her, "This is the head that headed the goal that got us through the quarter finals." He then took her hand and put it on his foot. "Have you ever felt anything like this?" Once again, she shook her head and said, "No." "This is the foot that kicked the goal that got us through the semi-finals." Fed up by now, the girl took his hand, put it between her legs, and asked, "Have you ever felt anything like this?" A bit embarrassed and shamefaced, he replied, "Yes, when I missed the penalty in the final."

An Admiral was visiting one of his ships. When having tea he noticed every biscuit had the ship’s insignia embossed on it. He was impressed and called in the cook to ask him how he did this. Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven. Admiral: That’s pretty unhygienic. Cook: In that case, sir, I’d suggest you skip the doughnuts.

I asked Grandma if she had any last words. She said, “Sweetheart, take care of your sister. She’s not as strong as she pretends to be. I hope you’re looking after your father and mother. Also, if Uncle Steve comes around asking for any cash, don’t give him any. And listen—if you ever find yourself in real trouble, I hid the money in the—” And then the Wi-Fi went out during the Zoom call.