Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

(with a southern drawl) Don't matter, he ain't comn'

and they were told by a tribe that each one should go get a fruit and shove it deep inside his ass. the first one got an apple. after he put it, he screamed so they killed him, the second guy got grapes, after he put it he burst out laughing, after they asked him why he was laughing he said i couldn't resist after i saw the third guy with 2 watermelons

Bulldozer

One's a Fedex, the other's an ex-Fed.

So this farmer is going door-to-door selling peaches. His luck hasn’t held up and he’s feeling a little down as he knocks on the door of a beautiful Victorian home. A gorgeous young woman answers, wearing nothing but a thin teddy. She asks the farmer “what may I help you with, fine sir?” The farmer takes a big gulp and says “Ma’am, I’m selling my peaches. Locally grown and organic, from my own family orchard.” “Well, sir, are they as peachy as this?” as she slides her teddy to one side, revealing a magnificent breast. GULP, and a single tear slides down his cheek. “Yes, Ma’am, they are wonderful.” She slides her teddy fully off of her shoulders, revealing her entire chest and asks, “are they as sweet and plump as this?” Tears begin rolling down his cheeks as he replies, “Oh Yes, Yes they are!!” As her lingerie hits the floor, she asks, “and are they fuzzy and juicy as this?” Bawling, tears rolling, teeth chattering, he cries out “YES, Oh God yes!! They are MAGNIFICENT!!” The young woman grabs her meager bit of clothing to cover herself, screaming at the farmer, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHY ARE YOU FREAKING OUT??” The poor farmer, reduced to sobs and sniffles, looks up from his tortured demeanor, and tells her, “The spring storms took my barn, the floods took my crops! The drought of summer dried up my wells and took my animals!! And pneumonia stole my wife…”. As she begins to say how sorry she is, he continues to”AND NOW…I’m going to get fucked out of my peaches!!”

Depends.

Fed-y Wap

I got 99 problems, but the beach ain't one of them

Russia has less school shootings and more trade partners.

The onions are acidic, but you shouldn't use them in a battery.

Counter-culture chefs use it to oppose the mainstream onions.

Amazon’s Mechanical Turk.

Gluten tag!

A private tutor

Now I know why people call you handsome

The 2010s-2030s will be described the same way, except we skipped the party.

- Half an hour, but if you help me, it'll be faster. - No, half an hour is fine!

A couple has two stunningly beautiful daughters, but their third child is a very ugly son. Man to his wife: "You cheated on me!" "No, not this time"

Obviously, he started out as an amateur playing music for free, but as soon as he starts charging money, he's Pro Bono.

"Rosario can you bring us more coffee?""

Oof !

Two aquatic creatures find themselves inside an unexpected piece of military equipment. One of them, clearly unprepared for the situation, turns to the other and asks if they have the necessary skills to operate it.

The cop calls 911 for an ambulance to help the woman then pursues the driver and pulls him over. "Say, says the cop" did you know that your wife fell out of the car when you drove through that intersection"? The man looks over to the passenger seat, sees that is is empty and says to the cop, "Thank God I thought I had gone deaf".

I told him to go and grow a pear.

I said:"Don't stop me now"

A man tells his wife that he quit his job and bought a farm. "We're going to be scapegoat herders!" His wife scoffs. "You don't know anything about raising scapegoats! You idiot, you've ruined our lives!" The man shakes his head. "Actually, you know who's really to blame here..."

He wasn't "koala"fied.

"These men took me and forced me into a car, and now they're holding me against my will!" "Okay, can you give me any details about your location?" "Down the hall" He didn't know he wasn't supposed to use his one phone call that way

I said Maybe

He looked at me and said, "I've started, so I'll finish"