Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

I know he means well.

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll?" The other answers, "I don’t know, I thought you were watching."

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy! Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!" Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. "I don't have a clue!!!" the Rabbi said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here." "And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows!!" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!"

That was a trip down memory lane

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week". The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active sex life". The 80-year old man laughs and shakes his head. "What a sad pair you two make. I'm an old fart and I bang my wife almost every day of the week". The other two look at him in disbelief. "It's true", he says, "almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday,..."

Smoking bacon will cure it.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

then having sex for free makes you a non-profit whoreganization

671 Hallmark movies.

Soon the head of the WHO came by. He said “Try social distancing! It can save you!” The fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me.” So the head of the WHO went on. Then Dr. Fauci came by and told the man “Wear a mask! It can save you!” The fellow said, "No thanks, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith." So Dr. Fauci went on. So the fucking world came by - shouting “Wear a mask! Try social distancing. Stay inside your fucking house! It can save you!” To this the fellow replied, "No thanks, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith." So the world went on its way. Then the man threw a surprise birthday party for a family member and 17 people got sick. One person died. Two more would be sick, and damaged for the rest of their lives. There’s no punchline. This really happened. Wear a mask. Don’t be a fucking idiot.

Father: "Ask your sister.” Daughter: "I don't have a si-"

North, things between West and I have gone South.

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?" "Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three-fourths', and 2/5 is 'two-fifths'." "Thanks, I understand, "said the exchange student. "Good," said the teacher, and then asked the student, "so how do you say 4/8?" "Should I reduce?" asked the boy. "That would be best," said the teacher. "One-second," said the boy. "Take as long as you need," said the teacher.

Sometimes Ukrainian saboteurs try to pass off as Russian troops. The easiest way to identify them is to remove their pants and examine their genitalia. All Ukrainians have balls of steel. Even women.

So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it’s so late, my wife’s going to kill me.” He takes his shoes outside and rubs them in the grass and mud, then proceeds home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed off. “Where the hell have you been?!?!” “Well, honey, it’s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great-looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.” She sees his shoes are covered with grass and says, “You lying bastard!!! You’ve been fishing again!!!” Edit: Thank you for the silver kind stranger, you like fishing huh?

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend. The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi. They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians." There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."  He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

Because 6, 7 8.

Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!” “You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied. Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.” “Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number?”

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?” The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!” “That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?” “Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly. The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?” “No problem,” replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!” Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly… WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! “What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?” The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”

the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

He goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?" The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

Three women setting together talking about a new ways to initiate sex with thier husbands, One of them says "I have a good way, when ever I want to have sex with John I touch his dick and say your dick is very cold, do you need warming it a bit?, And that's it" next day they the second woman said "I had the best sex in my life yesterday, I used your way, I touched Adam's dick and found it cold, and told him do you need a little heat down there? And then we started having sex The following day the third woman stared to cry "What happened" they said She told them that she got divorced - I tried to do the same thing with my husband but I found that his dick is warm so I said "Why isn't your dick cold like John and Adam's dick ?"

Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.

I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone. "Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week." Trump: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship condoms in from Mexico." Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about Canada?" Trump: "Okay, I'll call Justin and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches wide. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans." Three days later, a delighted President Trump ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches wide, exactly as requested... All colored with red maple leaves and in small writing saying: Made In Canada/Size: Small. Edit: Didn't expect what I came back to. Thanks for the awards. Thanks for the upvotes. Thanks for the comments.

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

I've been to Amsterdam... There are signs pointing to her house everywhere.