Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

And the other thinks U2 are for pretentious dicks

And they sit down at the bar and ask the barman for three pints of lager The barman says ‘Certainly… £21.80… Do you know it’s funny, we don’t see many wild zoo animals from the plains of Africa turning up in little local pubs around these parts too often!’ And the elephant piped up ‘no wonder at those prices’

So he takes this woman out for dinner, shows her a good night: a steak meal, sharing a dessert, lots of expensive wine. And then after that he takes her to his car, and they park in a secluded spot and he’s just about to go and make love to her on the back seats… when suddenly, he bottles it, he realises he loves his wife too much and he couldn’t possibly ever bring himself to properly cheat on her. But, not wanted to leave the woman he took out for dinner disappointed he phones his best friend and asks if he will come and help him out. So his best friend comes over from his house, climbs into the back of the car and says to the woman ‘ hi there, unfortunately my friend had to leave but I’m here now and if you wish, I can still make love to you just as good as he would have’ At this moment, a police officer is walking past and gets suspicious of the scene so he walks over and shines his torch in the car and says to the pair ‘Excuse me, are you two alright in here? Is this man bothering you Miss?’ And the man, thinking on his feet says, ‘no no officer you’ve got the wrong idea… this woman is actually my wife’ And the officer says ‘ah I’m very sorry, I didn’t realise she was your wife’ And the man says ‘In all fairness, until you switched on your torch; neither did I!’

Apparently not everyone is into drinking Nut Juice.

...Four tops.

He’s asked by the waiter what he will have to eat, to which Hitler replies: “To start off, I’ll have the Saarland, and for the main course I’ll have Austria.” The waiter takes his order and leaves. Later, once Hitler’s all done, the waiter returns and asks, “what will you have for dessert?” And Hitler just says, “No dessert, just the Czech.”

Who is Al and why is he taking everyone’s jobs? They don’t even say his last name.

I guess you can call that "Oral Tradition"

Cause she’s fucking Grumpy.

In mobile homes

He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other " Your genie really sucks at hearing doesn't he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"

Policeman enters the bookstore. Salesman: - is it raining?

Police believe it was Poachers.

A talking frog shows up in the offices of a posh downtown Manhattan bank. He proceeds to ask a bank officer for a loan of $1 million. Patty Whak , the loan officer , said she didn’t understand and he says “well, My name is Kermit and my father is Mick Jagger. We have banked at various branches of this institution several times .” The loan officer still protested and said for that size of a loan they would need some type of collateral, so Kermit produced a small ceramic elephant and placed it on her desk. Patty was very confused and excused herself to go speak with the manager carrying the trinket with her . When she relayed the crazy story to her manager, she showed him the small ceramic elephant and said “I don’t know what to do, what even is this?” The bank manager replied “it’s a knickknack, Patty Whak. Give the frog a loan . His old man is a Rolling Stone. “ I’ll leave now….

Kg

He lives very close to me. A stone's throw away, in fact.

I wanted to try being an exhibitionist, so I went into this restaurant and sat down at the table and when no one was looking I took off all of my clothes. Maybe prison wasn't a good place to start.

A college freshman was mowing lawns for a summer job. At a particular house, having a huge yard, he was allowed to use the shower after he had finished. On one occasion, as he entered the bathroom, he was shocked to see the lady of the house stark naked. “Haven’t you seen a naked woman before,” she asked. “Yes,” he replied, “but on the previous occasions, I was paying them.” “Well, we can fix that. Your choice, the usual $200, or we can go have fun in bed.” The boy hesitated, knowing he needed the money, but her luscious body was too much to resist. After they had finished, she asked, “Well, was I as good as any of those filthy prostitutes you fucked?” “Yeah, in fact, you were the best prostitute I ever had!”

Something I learned in heinzsight

We eventually broke it off.

They succeeded where others failed because they had Atilla.

The agent then said: What kind of joke is this

I told her that close only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades, and laundry hampers. And this is when the fight began.

There’s this guy, Greg, who builds a supercomputer out of a self service checkout machine he finds in a junkyard. This thing is next level powerful, to the point where it can use AI to predict the future to a shocking accuracy. He asks the machine - What stocks should I invest in? The checkout machine tells him McDonald’s. Heeding the machines advice, Greg invests in McDonalds. Sure enough, the company goes through a phase of profit and Greg gets a fair bit of money. He asks the checkout machine - how can I make more money? The checkout machine tells him to buy a specific painting from a local charity shop. Heeding the checkout machines advice, Greg buys the painting, which turns out to be priceless. He gets a shit ton of money. Not wanting to stop, he asks the machine - How can I make even more money? The checkout machine tells him that a rich CEO’s son, Tim, is staying in a hotel nearby. He can kidnap Tim and hold him for ransom. Heeding the checkout machines advice, Greg assembles a crew to kidnap Tim and hold him ransom. So the day comes. Gregs crew go to kidnap Tim, whilst Greg monitors their progress from his lair using the checkout machine The crew break into Tim’s hotel room whilst he’s sleeping. Now, funny story, Tim lost of one his eyes when he was younger. Very long story, business deal gone wrong etc etc. To replace it, Tim now has a fancy looking glass eye, which he takes out when he goes to sleep. Unfortunately for the crew, Tim has placed the glass eye on his bedside table, and as their preparing to grab him, the eye rolls off and hits the floor. SMASH. Tim immediately wakes up, sees the crew and starts fighting. He almost makes it to the door, but one crew member left there to guard knocks his lights out. The crew stuff him in a sack and put him in the boot of their car. The hard part is over. Unfortunately, the crew gets stuck in traffic on the way back, so they’re taking a really long time to get back to Greg. Back in his lair, Greg is panicking. It’s been a really long time. He thinks something has gone wrong with the heist. As the crew finally nears the lair, Greg hurriedly asks the checkout machine - Were there any complications? - Did they get Tim? - Where are they? And the checkout machine responds: UNEXPECTED EYE, TIM IN THE BAG, IN AREA

A guy meets a friend at the traffic light and goes: —Hey, how's your life going? —Great, I'm making a lot of money. —Ah, well, well, perfect. I'm full of money too. —Ah, ok; So, why do you drive that old Dacia? —Look, it's my lucky car and I wouldn't change it for anything in the world! —What do you mean? —I mean there's a genie inside the trunk —Are you kidding me?? —No, not at all. So the guy opens the trunk and inside there is a genie. And he goes: —Look: "Genie, I want a pasta carbonara!" And hop!... The genie makes a pasta alla carbonara appear. —Unbelievable! —Wait, wait. Watch: "I want a four-season pizza"... And there is the pizza. The other guy goes: —Wow, but it's amazing, incredible! I want this car! —No, look, there is no talk of it at all; I don't sell it and you know why. —Do you accept one million? —No, I don't want to know about it —For 2 millions? —No, absolutely nothing —Ok, and for 5 millions?" —Well... okay, okay. They go to the bank, sign a contract, the guy takes the check and the other takes the car. He comes home with that old Dacia, his girlfriend sees the car and says: —But.. but what is that crap?? —No, look, you don't understand, darling; this car is magical! Inside the trunk there is a genie. —Are you kidding me? —No, no, look... He opens the trunk and the genie appears. And he goes: —Now, look. "Genie: do you see my wife? I want you to cover her with diamonds." And the genie says: —No, look, Luca hasn't explained it to you; I only can make 4 seasons pizza and pasta alla carbonara.

Tomorrow

**Mom:** "Daddy doesn’t have two willies!" **Johnny:** "Sure he does! He has the little soft one he uses to pee out of and the massive hard one he uses to brush the babysitter’s teeth with!"

I rely on natural stupidity.

The first man says “ I have so much trouble going number one. It comes out in spits and sputters and takes forever. I would give anything to have a good pee.” The second man says “With me, it’s number two. I am so backed up. It’s horrible. I really need to take a good crap.” The third man nods and says “Well for me, it’s all very regular. At 7AM every morning I do number one like a fountain. It comes out perfectly in flowing stream. And number two also happens at the same time, and my bowels empty completely, as smooth as flowing lava.” The other two men look at each other, confused and ask “That doesn’t sound bad at all. What’s the problem?” “The problem,” says the third man, “is that I don’t get out of bed until 9:30!”

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