Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

One is a marvel to behold, the other is a marble b-hole!

A guy goes to the doctor with a complaint of arm pain. The doctor says, "Great! I have this new machine that can tell with 99% accuracy what is wrong using just a urine sample. " The guy is skeptical but gives the sample anyway. The doctor squirts a few drops into the machine and a few seconds later, a small slip of paper comes out. "You have tennis elbow," says the doctor. The man rants, "How the hell can a machine tell you that based on urine alone? I want a second opinion." "I'll tell you what," says the doctor. "Go home and eat normally for a few days and lay off alcohol. We'll run the specimen again. " "I'll show him," said the man. On the day of his return appointment, he gets his wife to pee in a bucket. Then he gets his mother, son, and daughter to do the same. He goes outside and puts the bucket under his dog while she's peeing. While he's out there, his neighbor asks what he's doing. The guy convinces his neighbor to add his urine to the bucket as well. Before leaving for the doctor's office, the man also jerks off into the bucket and then mixes everything up and puts it all into a zip lock baggie. At the doctor's office, the man fills the cup with the contents of the baggie and gives it to the doctor. When the doctor puts the sample into the machine this time, it takes a few minutes before the machine spits out a much longer piece of paper. "Well, sir, " says the doctor, "It says here that your mom has osteoporosis, your wife has chlamydia, which she apparently got from your neighbor, your daughter is pregnant, your son is on cocaine, your dog has worms, and if you don't stop jerking off so much... you'll never get rid of that tennis elbow."

I think it will be OK for a while.

As we all know, April showers bring May flowers, and of course Mayflowers bring pilgrims, and pilgrims bring death and disease, but apparently death and disease brings Thanksgiving, and Thanksgiving brings football, football brings fans, and fans bring beer. Basically, what I’m saying is: I like the month of April, because it means I get to drink.

Only one can feed a family of four.

The rooster

I think she's going to pull it off.

A proctologist only has to deal with one asshole at a time.

So they don’t whistle on the way down.

A tardy-grade

"Never leave a man's behind."

"Is there something I could eat?" "Yes, the hotel restaurant is open till 9:00." "Can you also arrange sex worker services?" "Yes, of course, brenda is available for $50." "How about male sex worker?" "We can offer that too. Brian is available for $500." "Why is Brian 10 times the price of Brenda?" "Well, I am not particularly fond of such practices, so I take $100 for myself. The village preist, obviously, isn't fond of such practices, so he gets $100, and village mayor is a conservative and as such isn't particularly fond of them, so he gets $100." "Does that mean Brian gets $200?" "Nah, those $200 goes to John and Steve that will hold Brian down, because, you see, Brian also is not particularly fond of such practises."

Gringo Starrs

Investigators say they have nothing to go on.

I don't know; they are still saving to buy one.

A threeway

Unfortunately, I didn't have a case.

It scares the hell out of their dogs

We're walking down a dirt road when they saw a sheep caught in a fence. Cleatus said, "I wish that was one of them playboy bunnies." Joe Bob replied, "Shit, I just wish it was dark!"

She said “June 12th. But if he’s at all like his father - he’ll come early!”

I told her she should know what 3 inches looks like by now.

They said it's not fair.

Eventually, he had to resort to using Eminem Domain.

A blonde gets pulled over by a cop and he asks to see her driver’s license. The blonde says “What’s that?” The cop replies “Well, it’s a little plastic thing with your face on it.” The blonde goes through her handbag, pulls out a makeup mirror and gives it to the cop. He stares at it for a few seconds and says “Why didn’t you tell me you were a police officer?”

Suddenly they see robbers coming towards them. The father is afraid that they will take the jewels and the camel, but the daughter says to him: Daughter: -Daddy, let me hide the jewels where only a woman can hide them. So she hid the jewels, and the robbers took the camel and left. The father is walking on with a sad face, and the daughter asks him: Daughter: -Daddy, why are you so sad? We saved the jewels, didn't we? Father: -Oh, my dear daughter, if your mother were here, we would have saved the camel too.

That would be a turkey vulture. Still likes to hunt, just can’t take down live prey.

Ann drew.

The Two! The OneTwoThreeFour!!!

A migration to the cloud

So the president of the local HOA wanted to find out how his 6 month old’s future would be. To test this, he set out a broken pair of headphones, a torn up photo, and an empty stick of deodorant. If the baby chose the broken headphones he would grow up to have the most horrible and obnoxious voice imaginable. If the baby chose the torn up photo he would grow up to look ugly as sin. And if the baby chose the empty stick of deodorant then he would grow up to always smell horrible. The baby crawled around and ended up grabbing all 3. The president of the HOA said “Damn, just like his father”