Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

Well, at least until the librarian told me to fucking pull it out

“if a hair piece is made of hair, what is a codpiece made of?” _’herring’_ “CORRECT” (this line of questioning brought to you by last night’s dreamscape)

Devastated, she doesn't know how to continue to live her life. She heard that there's a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decides to go there to consult with him. After a few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk. "I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to supporting him, taking care of him. And now he left me for a young woman. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do". The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: "Is the cookie delicious?" "Yes"- she answers. "Do you want another one?" "Sure, please". The monk look her in the eyes and said "Do you see the problem now?" The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks. "I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that". The monk shakes his head "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." "Well," the cop answered, "you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

Photos of her take petabytes of storage

Defence barrister: 'Will you please state your age' Agatha: 'I am 94 years old.' Defence barrister: 'Will you tell us in your own words what happened on the night in question.' Agatha: 'I was sitting on my garden swing on my front verandah. It was a warm spring evening, when a young man crept up on the verandah and sat down beside me.' Defence barrister: 'Did you know him? ' Agatha: 'No, but he was really friendly.' Defence barrister: 'What happened after he sat down?' Agatha: 'He started to rub my thigh.' Defence barrister: 'Did you stop him?' Agatha: 'No, I didn't stop him.' Defence barrister: 'Why didn't you stop him?' Agatha: 'It felt so good and nobody had done that since my husband George died almost 35 years ago.' Defence barrister: 'What happened next?' Agatha: 'He began to kiss my legs and inner thighs.' Defense Attorney: 'Did you stop him then?' Agatha: 'No, I didn't stop him.' Defence barrister: 'Why didn't you stop him?' Agatha: 'Because he made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in so many years! And I was getting so moist too!' Defence barrister: 'What happened next?' Agatha: 'Well, by this time I was feeling like I was about to explode that I just took all my clothes off, laid down and said "Take me young man, take me now"!' Defence barrister: 'And tell me, did he take you?' Agatha: 'Lord no!.....He just yelled "April Fool You Old Cow" and that's when I shot him, the little fucker.'

April, foo!

Gaseous Clay.

In his sleevies of course.

It was a real cloister fuck.

Blonde, Brunette Redhead racing around town in a sports car with the top down late on a Saturday night. As they race down the boulevard right near their house, a cop going the other way flips on it's lights and sirens and starts to do a U turn to give chase. The Blonde, Brunette and Redhead are right around the corner from their house so they do a quick turn down a side street and start heading down an alley right behind their house, but they cannot quite make it to their driveway before they see the cop lights shining down the alley. Before the cop can get their car into the alley the 3 girls jump out of the convertible and each jumps into a burlap sack next to some trashcans. The cops pull in behind the now empty car but do not see the girls. One of the cops sees the burlap sacks and gives one a kick. The Brunette says: "meow, meow" "oh, there are cats in this sack" says the cop. So the cop gives the next sack a kick and the red head says: "arf, arf". "oh, there are dogs in this sack" says the cop. So the cop gives the last sack a kick and the blonde says: "potato".

Nails, screws, or bolts.

And the other thinks U2 are for pretentious dicks

And they sit down at the bar and ask the barman for three pints of lager The barman says ‘Certainly… £21.80… Do you know it’s funny, we don’t see many wild zoo animals from the plains of Africa turning up in little local pubs around these parts too often!’ And the elephant piped up ‘no wonder at those prices’

So he takes this woman out for dinner, shows her a good night: a steak meal, sharing a dessert, lots of expensive wine. And then after that he takes her to his car, and they park in a secluded spot and he’s just about to go and make love to her on the back seats… when suddenly, he bottles it, he realises he loves his wife too much and he couldn’t possibly ever bring himself to properly cheat on her. But, not wanted to leave the woman he took out for dinner disappointed he phones his best friend and asks if he will come and help him out. So his best friend comes over from his house, climbs into the back of the car and says to the woman ‘ hi there, unfortunately my friend had to leave but I’m here now and if you wish, I can still make love to you just as good as he would have’ At this moment, a police officer is walking past and gets suspicious of the scene so he walks over and shines his torch in the car and says to the pair ‘Excuse me, are you two alright in here? Is this man bothering you Miss?’ And the man, thinking on his feet says, ‘no no officer you’ve got the wrong idea… this woman is actually my wife’ And the officer says ‘ah I’m very sorry, I didn’t realise she was your wife’ And the man says ‘In all fairness, until you switched on your torch; neither did I!’

Apparently not everyone is into drinking Nut Juice.

...Four tops.

He’s asked by the waiter what he will have to eat, to which Hitler replies: “To start off, I’ll have the Saarland, and for the main course I’ll have Austria.” The waiter takes his order and leaves. Later, once Hitler’s all done, the waiter returns and asks, “what will you have for dessert?” And Hitler just says, “No dessert, just the Czech.”

Who is Al and why is he taking everyone’s jobs? They don’t even say his last name.

I guess you can call that "Oral Tradition"

Cause she’s fucking Grumpy.

In mobile homes

He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other " Your genie really sucks at hearing doesn't he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"

Policeman enters the bookstore. Salesman: - is it raining?

Police believe it was Poachers.

A talking frog shows up in the offices of a posh downtown Manhattan bank. He proceeds to ask a bank officer for a loan of $1 million. Patty Whak , the loan officer , said she didn’t understand and he says “well, My name is Kermit and my father is Mick Jagger. We have banked at various branches of this institution several times .” The loan officer still protested and said for that size of a loan they would need some type of collateral, so Kermit produced a small ceramic elephant and placed it on her desk. Patty was very confused and excused herself to go speak with the manager carrying the trinket with her . When she relayed the crazy story to her manager, she showed him the small ceramic elephant and said “I don’t know what to do, what even is this?” The bank manager replied “it’s a knickknack, Patty Whak. Give the frog a loan . His old man is a Rolling Stone. “ I’ll leave now….

Kg

He lives very close to me. A stone's throw away, in fact.

I wanted to try being an exhibitionist, so I went into this restaurant and sat down at the table and when no one was looking I took off all of my clothes. Maybe prison wasn't a good place to start.

A college freshman was mowing lawns for a summer job. At a particular house, having a huge yard, he was allowed to use the shower after he had finished. On one occasion, as he entered the bathroom, he was shocked to see the lady of the house stark naked. “Haven’t you seen a naked woman before,” she asked. “Yes,” he replied, “but on the previous occasions, I was paying them.” “Well, we can fix that. Your choice, the usual $200, or we can go have fun in bed.” The boy hesitated, knowing he needed the money, but her luscious body was too much to resist. After they had finished, she asked, “Well, was I as good as any of those filthy prostitutes you fucked?” “Yeah, in fact, you were the best prostitute I ever had!”