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avatar Genius_Mate 3 year.agoWhile walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the senator. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "There's no need! I want to be in Heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, the doors open, and he rides the elevator down, down, down. When the doors open again, the senator finds himself in the middle of a beautiful green golf course. In the distance is a club, and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in formal dress. They run to greet him, and they reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before the senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns. "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, you must choose where you want to spend eternity." He reflects for a minute and then answers, "Well, I would never would have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better satisfied in Hell." So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator, and down, down, down he goes into Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. And it's hot, hot, hot, and the odor is just horrible. Sweltering hot. Hot and miserable. The Devil comes over to him and smoothly lays his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "The day before I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable." The Devil looks at the senator, smiles, and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us."

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funny dad jokes

funny dad jokes
1. I support LGBTQ

Let's Go Bully The Queers

2. I once organized a parent meeting at the school I worked at. That made a lot of people very angry.

Apparently, orphans don't have a sense of humor.

3. In my spare time I often go to court hearings about rapes.

If the guy turns out to be innocent, I follow the girl home and rape her. Nobody is going to believe her anyway.

4. My girlfriend's parents called me a pedophile because I'm 30 and she's 18.

It really kind of spoiled our 10th anniversary dinner.

5. What's 9 inches long, pink, and makes my girlfriend scream when I put it in her mouth?

Her miscarriage.

6. My new gf is black and I couldn't be happier!

My wife is white and it's hard to hide all the bruises

7. Where do epileptic children go to eat?

Little Seizures.

8. What is worse than ten dead babies nailed to one tree?

Going to an Oregon community college

9. My girlfriend told me she wanted to be treated like a princess

So I put her in the back of a Mercedes and drove into a wall

10. Black guys are watching Black Panther twice in one week

But haven't seen their kids in over a year. Wakanda father are you?

11. What did my first football game and losing my virginity have in common?

I was bloody and sore afterwards, but at least my dad came.

12. I was once having sex with my German girlfriend

For some reason she kept yelling out her age

13. Where does a person with epilepsy order pizzas?

Little Seizures

14. My mother in law has a massive case of diarrhea...

She wont find out until she gets home and unpacks her luggage...

15. What do rednecks do on Halloween?

Pump kin

16. I was going to make fun of that homosexual that killed himself with a rope

But that's just low hanging fruit

17. All of these jokes are so dark...

I'm surprised cops haven't shot them.

18. I'm not a racist

I like black people just as much as normal people

19. 3 Gay Guys

There were three gay men and their partners all died at around the same time. On their way to the morgue, the guy who worked there asked them where they want to spread their partners ashes. The first gay guy says, "I want to spread his ashes over the ocean because he loved to swim!" The second gay guy says, "I want to spread his ashes on a mountain because he loved to climb." And then the third gay guy says, "I want to spread him all over my chili." Confused, the coroner asked, "WHY?" In which the third gay guy responded, "So he can tear my ass up one more time."

20. Asians are such terrible drivers...

I'm starting to think Pearl Harbor was just an accident

21. A black man bursts into Adolf Hitlers office, demanding to know why he hates black people

Hitler turns to his generals in outrage and says “You’re supposed to bake them until they’re dead!”

22. A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother...

"Is it true what Rita just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. "Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"

23. Virgin Girlfriend

I had sex with my girlfriend last night. It was her first time so she bled. I told her not to worry, in a few years she'll bleed every month.

24. Don't bully fat people

They already have enough on their plate.

25. How do you blindfold an Asain woman

You put a windsheild over her eyes.

26. Last time I had sex it felt like the 100m Olympic final

It involved 8 black men and a gun

27. Why is it hard breaking up with a Japanese women?

You have to drop the bomb twice to get it across to her

28. I feel really guilty crushing up pills and secretly putting them in granny's dinner...

But I'd feel even more guilty if I got her pregnant...

29. What is the difference between social justice warriors and babies?

Babies eventually grow up and stop throwing tantrums every five minutes.

30. What's the worst thing about summer?

Three months without a school shooting.

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