Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

The doctor said, "the best thing I can recommend first is diet and exercise." I replied, "Sure, but how am I supposed to convince my wife to diet and exercise?"

When it's to, too and two.

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise', The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. 'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. 'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?' The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise' 'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck by mistake'

A cowboy gets captured by a Native American tribe and dragged before the chief. The chief says, “You can earn your freedom if you pass the three-tent challenge. You’ve got 5 minutes for each task.” Tent 1: Drink a whole liter of whiskey. Tent 2: Inside is an old lion with a bad tooth—pull it out. Tent 3: The most beautiful virgin in the tribe—she can’t be a virgin anymore. The cowboy shrugs, takes the whiskey, chugs it down in one go, stumbles out swaying like a tumbleweed in a storm, and heads into tent 2. Suddenly, roars and screams erupt—tent shaking, dust flying, lion growling, cowboy yelling. After five chaotic minutes, the cowboy stumbles out, scratched, torn clothes, hair wild. He wipes his brow and slurs: “Alright… now where’s that girl with the bad tooth?!”

Slow down and use more lube

Butanal

But you wouldn’t have known it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around.

But he never got around to it.

In the end I gave up as it was a waist of time

Their Tesla is still intact and in their possession and they aren't afraid to be seen in public with it.

Because they always show up before the joke's even told… and then laugh awkwardly for way too long.

“I’m just trying to spruce the place up a bit.”

A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

They look up in the sky and see the full moon. Blonde 1 remarks how beautiful the moon is on this clear night and says it would be so cool to go there. Blonde 2 says yes thats cool, but I'd rather go to Paris. Blonde 1 asks, which do you think is further, the moon or Paris? Blonde 2 replies, duh, can you see Paris from here?

Leave the plunger in the toilet.

Her husband was a dreadful boar

And that's how Cain, Abel, and Seth were made

Another\* time in old China, a poor farmer happened on a mirror, dropped by a traveller by the side of the road. He peered at it curiously, for he had never seen one before, and to his surprise he saw the likeness of his late father, dead twenty years ago. "What a remarkable gift the gods have bestowed upon me!" exclaimed the farmer; and he set about building a shrine at the back of his barn, where the image could be kept in safety. His wife became suspicious at the amount of time her husband was spending behind the barn, and one day when he was working in a distant field she went to look, and she found (as she though) a little love-nest with a picture hanging up in it. On viewing it she wept in jealous fury over the fickleness of men, "and how," she demanded, "could my husband devote himself to such an ugly cross-patch as this?" When he came home she angrily confronted him over his illicit affairs, and grew all the more wrathful at his absurd excuses, until the noise of their quarrel attracted a passing priest. "What is the cause," demanded the priest, "of this disturbance which so affronts the peace and harmony of Heaven itself?" "My husband has taken up with a trollop, and keeps her likeness here to gaze upon!" screeched the wife. "My wife has gone mad, and mistakes this portrait of my sainted father for a woman!" protested the husband. The priest inspected the evidence and shook his head in wonder. "You are both wrong. This is the likeness of a devoted monk, wise and venerable. I know not how you could mistake so holy a face." And to save further strife, the priest took the contentious image away to the nearest monastery, where it could be kept in safety. \--- \*See "Rope" for the first of these.

Never fly Malaysian airlines.

One is a rubber and the other is a rub her.....

I actually have a few people in mind..

because this morning I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse.

But if you have company then you should wear a condominium

Because they use honeycombs.

I saw an advertisement in a shop window saying "Accountant needed, €35,000 - €40,000. Call [number]. I called the number and told them "You don't need an accountant. The answer is minus €5,000."

You ask Siri, bro.

The tender

 It was when I saw how much the ring would cost.

That is to say, she's always right about everything and blows up if I tell her otherwise.

. I'm tempted but I'm worried it might make me a bit two cocky.....