zahi36501 27 day.agoSitting in a posh restaurant, a man spots a gorgeous blonde at the next table...He spends ages checking her out, but doesn't have the nerve to speak to her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes hurtling out of its socket towards him. He reaches out, grabs it in the air and gives it back to her. "Oh,l am so sorry, the woman says as she pops the eye back in. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a fantastic meal together then go to the theatre, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest thoughts and he shares his. After paying for everything, she invites him back to her place. Next morning, she cooks them both a gourmet breakfast. The man is amazed. You are the perfect woman, he says. Are you this nice to every man you meet?" "No,' she replies. You just happened to catch my eye."
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As he lay in my arms, I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
They're sending us their finest vegetables.
They don't fucking listen.
Although most people think wine, he's fine with anything as long as he can get hammered.
Because the last one to have a dream got shot
Apparently "That depends on the girth" was not the right answer.
Because atomic bombs are really bright.
You get a sandwich maker and a punching bag all in one.
One day the daughter prostitute comes home. "I just got $40 for a blowjob!" she says. "Thats ridiculous!" says the mother whore, "back in my day I only got $20 dollars for a blowjob!" The grandmother hooker pipes up and says "$20?! back in my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"
Within a few minutes an airplane was about to crash. There were four passengers on board, but only three parachutes. The first passenger : I am Russel Westbrook, the best basketball player. The Oklahoma city and my millions of fans need me, so I can’t afford to die. He took the first pack and jumped out of the plane. The second passenger, Donald Trump : I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest president in American history, so my people don’t want me to die. He took the second pack and jumped out of the plane as well. The third passenger, the Pope, said to the fourth passenger, a 10 year-old schoolboy : My son, I am old and I don’t have very many years left, you have plenty of years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute. The little boy : That’s okay, Your Holiness, there’s a parachute left for you. America’s smartest president took my schoolbag.
I really don't know, because there's different ways to look at it: - Optimism: The glass is half full. - Pessimism: The glass is half empty. - Feminism: The glass is raping me.
But not me, I live next to two really hot ten year old's.
You don't need to come out to your father.
They both serve battered clams.
too close to the gas chamber
Because their favorite part is when the hooker returns the money.
On the TV, a suicidal man is on top of a building, threatening to jump. The blonde turns to the brunette and goes "I bet you 50 bucks he doesn't jump". Without hesitating, the brunette takes that bet and right after, sure enough, the man jumps. The blonde hands the brunette the 50 bucks, but the brunette replies, "I'm sorry, I feel bad, I can't take your money as I already saw this on the 5:00 news". The blonde replies back, "So did I - I just didn't think he would do it again".
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9.
I added Paul walker on Xbox, but he spends all his time on the dashboard.
- You ladies from Scotland? - It's Wales you asshole. - Ohh I'm sorry, you whales from Scotland?
Grandpa does the frog noises, then asks his grandson why he brought it up. "Because I heard mommy and daddy say that when you croak we can fuck off to Disneyland!"
"I'm not good with kids, I'm not going to lie. Hell, a couple of months ago I dropped my cousins baby... Flat out, dropped my cousins baby on the ground. I don't feel like that was my fault. I don't feel responsible for that one. I mean, who in their right mind asks me, Anthony Jeselnik, to be a pall bearer?"
Because the whole state is inbred.
I don't know. But it gathers cotton very fast.
Similar to the World Trade Center. There used to be 2 of them, but now it’s too sensitive of a subject to discuss.
It's because we are simply better at everything
Jews don't pay for anything.
So that they know what it's like to live with an irritable cunt.
His-panic attacks.
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