He's looking all panicked, sweating bullets. He sits down and says, "Doc, I need help. Every morning I wake up, and for some reason, I think I'm a dog." The doctor leans forward, nods, and says, "That's unusual. How long has this been going on?" The guy says, "Oh, for years now. It's driving me nuts! Every morning, I wake up and I go straight to the back door, scratching at it like I gotta go outside. Then, if someone rings the doorbell, I can't help myself; I just go nuts barking at them! The doctor rubs his chin and says, "Hmm, that is strange. Well, tell me, have you tried anything to fix it?" And the guy says, "Have I tried anything? Oh yeah! I've tried *everything*. Meditation, therapy, hypnosis... Nothing works!" The doctor sighs. "Alright, well, let's start simple. Why don't you lie down on the couch and we'll talk this through?" And the guy shakes his head and says, "Oh, I can' t do that, Doc." The doctor looks confused. "Why not?" And the guy says, "Because... I'm not allowed on the furniture."

Things were going well and while they were eating, Mike said, “After dinner we can look at some of Lisa’s baby videos.” Lisa blushed and said, “Aw dad, don’t do that…”, but he insisted. In the living room, Mike started playing a video and Dan was shocked to see that it was taken in the hospital delivery room. Dan, Lisa, and Sally sat in stunned silence while Mike gave a play-by-play of Lisa’s delivery. After the ordeal, as Dan and Lisa were getting ready to leave, Sally walked over and quietly said, “I’m so sorry for this — I didn’t know that Mike was going to do that.” Dan was starting to mumble a “that’s all right” when Sally continued, “… and I’m so relieved that he didn’t bring out the conception video.”

She asked the boy: “Michael, what is the matter with you these days? Your attitude stinks.” Michael answered: “I’m too smart for first grade. My sister is in third grade, and I’m smarter than she is, so I should be in third grade too.” In a bid to resolve things, the teacher took Michael along to the principal’s office and while Michael waited in the outer office, she explained the situation to the principal. He told the teacher that he would give Michael a test and if he failed to answer any of the questions correctly, he would have to return to first grade and behave himself. Michael was then taken to the principal’s office for the test. “What is four times four?” asked the principal. “Sixteen,” answered Michael. “What is eleven minus seven?” said the principal. “Four,” replied Michael instantly. And so it went on. Every third-grade standard question the principal asked, Michael answered. Eventually the principal said to the teacher: “I think Michael can move up to third grade.” “Let me ask him a few questions,” suggested the teacher. “Very well,” agreed the principal. “Okay, Michael,” began the teacher. “What does a cow have four of that I only have two of?” “Legs,” answered Michael. The teacher continued: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” The principal raised his eyebrows. “Pockets,” replied Michael. Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?” Michael: “Pants.” Teacher: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?” Michael: “Bubblegum.” The principal wiped a few beads of perspiration from his brow. Teacher: “What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?” Michael: “Shake hands.” Teacher: “Now I am going to ask some ‘Who am I’ questions.” Michael: “Okay.” Teacher: “You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.” Michael: “Tent.” Teacher: “A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.” The principal was growing increasingly nervous. Michael: “Wedding ring.” Teacher: “I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.” Michael: “Nose.” Teacher: “I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.” Michael: “Arrow.” Teacher: “And finally. What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ and means a lot of excitement?” Michael: “Firetruck.” The principal breathed a huge sigh of relief and told the teacher: “Put Michael in third grade. He’s obviously very smart. I got the last nine questions wrong myself.”

They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "*my grandmother told me that the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily.*" The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He said, "But what about all of this money? How did you manage to save all this money?" "Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies."

A woman goes up to the man working in the produce aisle and says where is your broccoli? The produce man says we’re out of broccoli we will have some in the morning. He goes back to stacking his oranges in the same lady pecks him on the shoulder and says excuse me sir where is the broccoli? He says we are fresh out of broccoli. We will have some in the morning. He moves from the oranges over to the bananas and starts to work with them. The same woman taps him on the shoulder again and says sir can you tell me where the broccoli is? He says how do you spell cat as in catastrophic? She says C-A-T he says okay how do you spell dog As in dogmatic? She says D-O-G. He says okay how do you spell fuck as in broccoli? She says there is no fuck in broccoli. He said exactly lady, that’s what I been trying to tell you.

3 guys die and get to the Pearly Gates. St Peter greets them and apologises, saying that Due to a recent issue during an upgrade - their entire system is offline and they can’t currently look up any of their records, and will have to send the three of them back to Earth while they sort things out. St Peter further explains, that since they’d freak out any family or friends, they’ll have to be sent back as someone else. The first one asks whether they have to be sent back as people, or can he be sent back as an animal. St Peter says that going back as an animal is fine. So the first guys says he’d like to be sent back as an Eagle, because he’d love to be able to fly. St Peter agrees and a moment later the first guy disappears and is back on earth as requested. The second guys says, well, if going back as an animal is possible, then I’d love to be sent back as a whale - I’ve always loved exploring the ocean but was so limited as to the depth that I could go. A moment later he’s back on earth as requested. The third guy gets a bit of a scheming look on his face, and asks St Peter, “So let me get this straight - your whole system is down, and won’t be back up until you call us back here again - does that mean that you’ll have no record of anything we do while we are down there?” St Peter thinks for a moment, then says, “I hadn’t thought of it that way, but yes, I guess you’re correct - we won’t have any record of what you do while you’re there” The third guys says, “Well, I’ve lived a pretty clean life, but a big part of me has always wanted to be a bit more … let’s say “adventurous” … could I be sent back to have a chance to live it up a bit - go back and live the life of an absolute ‘stud’ for a bit?” St Peter seems a bit unhappy with the request, but agrees, and a moment later the 3rd guys is back on earth as requested. A few days later God is speaking with St Peter and advises that their systems are all restored, their records are all back online, and they’re ready to bring the 3 guys back. God asks about where the 3 guys currently are. St Peter says, the first will be easy to find, he’s currently soaring over The Rockies, and the 2nd guy is just heading back North after exploring the depths of the Southern Ocean, but St Peter says that he’s a bit worried about finding the third guy. God asks why, and St Peter says, “I’m not sure of his exact location, but I do know that he’s somewhere in Minnesota - he’s on a snow tire.”

Inside, was an unattractive, overweight woman, sitting on her sleeping bag, smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer. The man, concerned he was soaking wet and likely to catch a cold, peeked into the open tent-flap. "Excuse me ma'am, it's raining out here, mind if I come in to get out of the rain for a little while?" "Sure," the woman replied, "On one condition. No funny business." The man agreed and entered the tent. He sat down on the sleeping bag next to her. A few minutes later, the woman let out a loud fart. "1:0," she said. Five minutes went by, she ripped off another one, "2:0." The man was curious. "Ma'am, why are you farting then giving out the score?" The woman responded, "I'm a bit bored, there's not much to do, so I thought I'd start a farting competition." "Sounds like you're winning," said the man. He decided to beat her at her own game, and let out a massively loud fart which shook the tent. "2:1," he said, ripping off another one, "2:2." She looked at him, somewhat impressed, "You're fucking good at this!" Determined to win, she ripped off another fart, only this time she ended up shitting the sleeping bag. She blew a whistle, and said, "Half-time, change sides."

Before them was a glittering idol, solid gold and encrusted in precious stones. They stuffed it into their pack and continued exploring, when suddenly they were surrounded by an African tribe. Fierce jungle warriors, wrapped in animal skins and wearing necklaces of human teeth and ears, pointing razor-sharp spears at the terrified explorers. The tribal chief approached them and cried out, "You have stolen the idol of our ancestors!!! You must now choose your fate!" He pointed to the first explorer and said "Death, or Bongo-Bongo?" The explorer didn't need long to think: "Well, I sure don't want to die, I' guess I'll take that Bongo-Bongo". The tribe leapt upon him, tore off all of his clothes, bent him over a tree stump, and one by one brutally "had their way" with him. One after the other, five, ten, twenty warriors, each more vicious than the last. Finally, it was over. The explorer staggered away, blood streaming down his bruised thighs. He collapsed sobbing on the ground as the chief pointed to the second explorer. "What shall be your choice? Death... or Bongo Bongo??" The explorer shook his head. "After seeing that, I guess I'll just choose death!" "SO BE IT!!!" The chief called. "DEATH BY BONGO BONGO!!!"

An elderly couple walked into a McDonald’s and sat down at a table near some young people who were having dinner. The old man approached the counter and placed an order for one meal. He returned, unwrapped the hamburger, carefully cut it in half, and placed one half in front of his wife. Then he gently counted out the fries and split them evenly between them. He placed two straws into the soda and set it between them. The old woman began to eat her half of the burger while the man just watched. From time to time, he took a small sip of the drink, but he never touched the food. People around them started to notice and looked on with quiet sympathy. A young man approached and politely offered to buy them another meal so they wouldn’t have to share. The woman smiled and said kindly, “Thank you, but we’re used to sharing everything.” Still, the man hadn’t eaten a bite. He simply watched as his wife enjoyed her meal. The young man returned and offered again. This time, the old man responded, “Thank you, but we really do share everything.” The young man paused for a moment, then asked: “But sir… what are you waiting for?” The old man smiled and said: “The teeth.”

However, after his successes, Jay's life fell apart and he later found himself struggling to support his 2 daughters and his son. It was then that Jay decided to turn his life around. He implemented structure in his life, and tried to impress the value of structure on his three kids. All three kids decided they were going to go out and sieze their futures. Jay's first daughter found structure in her art studies, and followed in her father's footsteps to become a highly-regarded painter. Jay's second daughter dedicated herself to music and, through structuring her time carefully, wrote several songs in the same style as Jay's album, becoming a highly successful singer songwriter. However, his son struggled. He simply couldn't motivate himself to live a life full of structure. After many years, he decided he was going to ride his father's writing success and write a sequel to Jay's novel. Jay wished his son the best of luck, and promised he would check in on him regularly to see his progress. 6 months passed, and Jay visited his son's studio to see how he was getting on with the book. However, to his dismay, instead of a neat setup, Jay found papers spread over lots of tables all over the room. When he asked his son what was going on, his son told him, "I can't find force myself to be structured all the time, so I devised this complicated table arrangement to make up for the ways that I struggle to be structured". As Jay looked around, he started to understand - one table was for all of the tense scenes, one for all the romantic scenes, one for the bits that weren't quite finished yet, and so on. "That's genius!" exclaimed Jay. "How did you come up with this?". "Oh it was easy really, I thought of it when I came across this advice in a programming textbook" "Jay's son is semi-structured, which necessitates a complex table structure when writing sequel."