New2RedBeNice 1 day.agoA first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.She asked the boy: “Michael, what is the matter with you these days? Your attitude stinks.” Michael answered: “I’m too smart for first grade. My sister is in third grade, and I’m smarter than she is, so I should be in third grade too.” In a bid to resolve things, the teacher took Michael along to the principal’s office and while Michael waited in the outer office, she explained the situation to the principal. He told the teacher that he would give Michael a test and if he failed to answer any of the questions correctly, he would have to return to first grade and behave himself. Michael was then taken to the principal’s office for the test. “What is four times four?” asked the principal. “Sixteen,” answered Michael. “What is eleven minus seven?” said the principal. “Four,” replied Michael instantly. And so it went on. Every third-grade standard question the principal asked, Michael answered. Eventually the principal said to the teacher: “I think Michael can move up to third grade.” “Let me ask him a few questions,” suggested the teacher. “Very well,” agreed the principal. “Okay, Michael,” began the teacher. “What does a cow have four of that I only have two of?” “Legs,” answered Michael. The teacher continued: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” The principal raised his eyebrows. “Pockets,” replied Michael. Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?” Michael: “Pants.” Teacher: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?” Michael: “Bubblegum.” The principal wiped a few beads of perspiration from his brow. Teacher: “What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?” Michael: “Shake hands.” Teacher: “Now I am going to ask some ‘Who am I’ questions.” Michael: “Okay.” Teacher: “You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.” Michael: “Tent.” Teacher: “A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.” The principal was growing increasingly nervous. Michael: “Wedding ring.” Teacher: “I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.” Michael: “Nose.” Teacher: “I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.” Michael: “Arrow.” Teacher: “And finally. What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ and means a lot of excitement?” Michael: “Firetruck.” The principal breathed a huge sigh of relief and told the teacher: “Put Michael in third grade. He’s obviously very smart. I got the last nine questions wrong myself.”
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Little Johnny replied,"That girl may may dress like a guy, but she has neither balls Nordic "
Spaghettification
Who is there? I eat mop I eat mop who?
What's wrinkled and smells like ginger? Fred Astaire's face.
They can dig up a lot of dirt on you.
Two female teachers took a group of students from grades 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Flemington race course, to watch horse racing. When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their ‘wee-wees’ to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry. As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, "You must be in Grade 3?" "No ma'am", he replied. "I am the jockey riding Black Caviar in the next race, but I really appreciate your help."
Apparently MyPenis is not long enough but HisPenis is.
I have good news and bad noose
Because it’s Kneady, but honestly it just loafs you so much.
He sits next to the beaver and notices it looks upset. So he asks it what was wrong. The beaver said it lost it's job that day. And the guy exclaims "Oh damn!". And the beaver says "How did you know?!"
The barber asks, "Got any vacation plans"? The customer replies, "The wife and I are going to Italy." "Ahh bullshit," the barber barks. "Italy is overrated, why do you want to go anyway? I went and it's terrible. The food is awful, the Romanesque architecture is old and dirty, the people are rude and aloof, the weather is hot and rainy, and when I tried to see the pope I could barely make out the top of his head through the millions of people in St Peter's Square." The customer is surprised by the barber's visceral reaction, and sheepishly states that he already bought the tickets so he has to go. A couple of months later, and the customer is back in the barber's chair. "Aren't you the guy who went to that crappy country Italy?" "Yeah, we went and had a great time. The food was better than I imagined, the Romanesque architecture was breathtaking and awe-inspiring, the people were polite and friendly, the weather was beautiful and sunny, and when we went to see the Pope I could barely make out the top of his head through the millions of people in St Peter's Sq. Gradually, the sea of people parted as if by magic and I could see the pope walking toward me with his gold scepter. When he got close enough to me to be heard I dropped to one knee and he said, "Who gave you that awful haircut."
So he went to watch a video on how to overcome shyness and talk to girls. In the video, the coach made a demo where he approched a girl and asked her to guess a number from 1 to 9. The girl said 4, so the coach smiled and replied that the number she picked was the right one and that he can give her a kiss as a gift. So the shy person went to apply what he learned, he approached a girl asked her to guess a number and when she answered 5 he was very disappointed.
I told him it’s the only way I win arguments. He said, “What do you mean *you* win?” Now we both have to see a therapist.
They made it back.
A neuroscientist is giving a TED Talk on the nature of addiction. He says, “We’ve discovered the brain forms stronger reward loops from novelty and unpredictability than from the act itself. It’s why people become addicted to gambling, social media… even love.” A voice from the crowd yells, “And anal?” The neuroscientist pauses. Takes a slow sip of water. Then says, “Especially if you didn’t expect to like it.”
As he was pouring my next beer, I told him “I have a tip for you that will let you sell 25% more beer.” His eyes lit up with interest so I gave him my advice: “Just fill the glasses up to the full line.”
"You should put up heavier curtains in your bedroom," one man says. "I could see you making love to your wife last night." "That shows how good your eyesight is," says the other with a laugh. "I wasn't even home last night!"
Turns out I was too drunk to drive the bus as well.
A milk-white Eastern dude headed West for the good of his health, and invested in a saloon. The seller advised him that folks thereabouts were mostly friendly, but if ever he heard that Big John was a-coming to town, he should light out of there real quick. So one day our dude is tending bar when the batwing doors burst open and a panicky looking townsman yells "Big John's a-coming!". Moments later the bar is deserted, the batwing doors flapping back and forth, a dart in mid-flight settles in the board, the piano dies away to silence, and the wheel o'fortune is still spinning down in the corner, and the dude is just picking himself up off the floor. Then he hears a thunder of hooves and before he can do anything, a giant of a man rides up on a buffalo, dismounts, punches the buffalo between the eyes and snarls "Stay there!" and tosses the rattlesnake he was using as a whip into a corner of the bar-room as he barges up to the bar. "Gimme a beer!" he barks, and the dude complies straight away, and slides a whisky chaser next to it without being asked. The giant slams both of them down in two gulps, and the dude nervously asks if he wouldn't like another one. "Are you kidding?" roars the giant. "I'm a-gettin' outta here! Don't you know Big John's a-coming?"
Look Ma! It's shooting Starlettes!
With the pizza, you can eat the crust.
He approaches and sees a woman with no arms and legs laying on a towel. “Is everything okay?” He asks “No” she says “because I have no arms or legs I’ve never been kissed” The man looks around to be sure no one is looking and then leans down and gives the woman a kiss. “Oh thank you so much!” She exclaimed. The man jogged along, happy he could help the woman. The very next day the man is jogging along the beach and again hears a woman crying. As he approaches he sees the same woman and again asks what’s wrong. “Well, as you can see I have no arms or legs and therefore have never been fucked” she says. The man looks around nervously to be sure nobody is looking, quickly picks the woman up and tosses her into the ocean and yells: “There! Now you’re fucked!”
What do you call a flying horse with a prosthetic leg? A peg-legasus
One from his mama.
We haven’t gotten a gig yet.
I said "Cause there is a City Wide Fire Ban
Not the right kind of apple watch apparently. I'm there to always disappoint.
Because he was hoping for a panter or a moaner
It's cool, until you whip it out and start shoving it other people's faces.
Among the more famous mathemeticians in history, like Descartes, or Newton, Liebnitz, or Fibonnacci, there as a fellow who is somwhat less well known named DeHorst. . Helmholt DeHorst lived in the early 1500's. Like his contemporary René Descartes, he prseneted many papers at the Royal Society. One of his special interests was charts and graphs, but his rival René beat him to it with his Cartesian system of coordinates. This is why math historians always put Descartes before DeHorst.
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