Independent_Job_6157 4 day.agoJay was a one-hit-wonder, he wrote 1 novel which was super successful, released 1 album which was equally successful, and painted 1 picture which sold for 10 million pounds.However, after his successes, Jay's life fell apart and he later found himself struggling to support his 2 daughters and his son. It was then that Jay decided to turn his life around. He implemented structure in his life, and tried to impress the value of structure on his three kids. All three kids decided they were going to go out and sieze their futures. Jay's first daughter found structure in her art studies, and followed in her father's footsteps to become a highly-regarded painter. Jay's second daughter dedicated herself to music and, through structuring her time carefully, wrote several songs in the same style as Jay's album, becoming a highly successful singer songwriter. However, his son struggled. He simply couldn't motivate himself to live a life full of structure. After many years, he decided he was going to ride his father's writing success and write a sequel to Jay's novel. Jay wished his son the best of luck, and promised he would check in on him regularly to see his progress. 6 months passed, and Jay visited his son's studio to see how he was getting on with the book. However, to his dismay, instead of a neat setup, Jay found papers spread over lots of tables all over the room. When he asked his son what was going on, his son told him, "I can't find force myself to be structured all the time, so I devised this complicated table arrangement to make up for the ways that I struggle to be structured". As Jay looked around, he started to understand - one table was for all of the tense scenes, one for all the romantic scenes, one for the bits that weren't quite finished yet, and so on. "That's genius!" exclaimed Jay. "How did you come up with this?". "Oh it was easy really, I thought of it when I came across this advice in a programming textbook" "Jay's son is semi-structured, which necessitates a complex table structure when writing sequel."
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No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, "Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed, "Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use twice a year.
HDMI edit because everyone's yelling at me: its a repost. please stop downvote spamming my comments edit 2: i dont know why it got tagged as nsfw. please stop asking
"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !" "Thanks dad !" "No problem Alan"
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
...then my illegal logging business is a success.
No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it
The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.” The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This’ll be a breeze” so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”
So I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah" So I gave him the 20.
The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?" The man replies, " like a glove." Edit: thank you everyone for the upvotes, because if you, the top post on my Reddit profile will forever be an old joke about a man with too many penises.
As they are undressing for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants. "Here, try these on," he says. "What? Why?" she says. "Just put them on," he insists. "They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those." "That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it." "Got it," she says, slipping off her panties and handing them to him. "Here, try these on." He holds them up and sees how tiny they are. "Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your panties!" "That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."
The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign." Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
Post office Edit: Thanks for all the nice comments, I've been showing it to her, she's chuffed my most popular post on Reddit was hers. Also she's 10, so this probably has been said before but bamboozled me hence the title.
The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair.They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets. The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for 4 hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know. They then grabbed the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.4 hours go by and the spy isn’t talking. Then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell. The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk. The Italian spy says, ” I wanted to, but I couldn’t move my hands.” *Edit: I know this is usually frowned upon, but thanks to each and everyone who awarded or upvoted this post. You guys made my day.*
Guess who came crawling back
He should have hired her!
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!" The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place." "That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!" So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says : "Sir, your question is so easy that I'm going to let my driver explain it to you."
After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"
The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.
In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.
I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.
I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Chris Pratt.
She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!" Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.
Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes Oh shit, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!! Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room... Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper. my bad pops, sorry.. *shuts the door* Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the kitchen! Our pot head rushes to the kitchen, opens the door and sees the same thing, his father is sitting there and reading a newspaper. Uhm... sorry pops... *shuts the door * Shit, he is fast.... Then I am going to hide in the balcony!! Rushes to the balcony, opens the door and the same thing... dad sitting there with the newspaper... but before he gets to apologize his pops goes Son, you open the bathroom door one more time, I am gonna come out and beat the shit out of you. I did my best to translate this joke from Armenian to English. Sorry for my bad grammar. Edit: Thank you guys for the support. Got my first Gold!!
Being ugly every day sucks.
"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative" Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?
On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...
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