Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

I said, "It’s my weekend immune system."

A woman was giving birth soon. The doctor told her an her husband that there was an experimental machine that could transfer the pain of labor to the father. They agreed to try it. The day arrived and the doctor set the machine at 10%. The husband wasn't phased and told the doctor to turn it up. The pregnancy pain was transferred more and more and at 100% the mother had a pain free labor and the husband didn't notice a thing. They took the baby home and the mailman was dead in the porch.

[translated from Yiddish] The Rabbi frowns at him. "So it's a new name you want, is it? Why? What's wrong with the name your mother and father gave you? The name you had when you were given your *bris*? The name you had when you became a *bar mitzvah*? The name you had when you stood under the *chuppa* and married your wife? Why do you want to change this? What *is* your name, anyway?" "Adolf Cumguzzler." The Rabbi recoils in horror. "Oy! Such a name, such a terrible, terrible name! I don't blame you for wanting to change it. If I had that name, I'd want to change it myself. So what do you want to change it *to*?" "*Franz* Cumguzzler." (Told to me by my grandfather, a German Jew who fled Germany for the United States literally days before this would have become impossible.)

Did you hear about the Boxer who couldn't tell jokes. But they had a punchline.

... from being a bad liver.

“Well hey there friend! Where do ya hail from?” “I’m from Ireland.” “No kidding! I’m from Ireland myself! What part of Ireland?” “Grew up in Wexford.” “Wexford?! No kidding! I grew up in Wexford myself!” “Well what are the chances of that?! Say, what secondary school did you go to?” “I went to St Peters Secondary” “ St Peters Secondary?! I went to St Peters Secondary! I’ll be darned! What year did you graduate?” “1979” “1979??!! That’s the year I graduated! What are the chances of that?!!” Well as these 2 guys are just flabbergasted at the chances of this meeting, another guy at the end of the bar is watching curiously. He calls over to the bartender & asks “hey what on earth is going on over there?” To which the bartender replies, “ah nothing. Just the O’Malley twins drunk again.”

Beer nuts cost $3.99/lb. But deer nuts are under a buck.

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked

An oncologist

Recently, I saw a man open a door for a woman. I guessed that he thought it was polite. He was shocked that she just screamed and flew out the plane.

Taiping.

I asked the shop assistant if he could help me, he said "Kenwood?", i said "well go and get him then".

A man stood up from behind a headstone. I said "morning", he said "no i was just having a poo".

It's ok, he woke up when the bell went off.

about some old newspaper, empty tin cans and eggshells. Threw it out: It was rubbish.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

Guy number one says he has a good memory and that he can remember being 4 in preschool. The second guy says he can remember his first birthday and eating his smash cake. The third guy looks at them and says "I remember going to the prom with my dad and coming home with my mom".

Manchester

Help I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up

But it was just a red hairing

Who starts a conversation like that???

Mom calls her 8 year old son into the family room where she is waiting with her husband. She says to her son, "Johnny, you were adopted." Johnny launches into a screaming tantrum and demands to meet his biological parents. Mom says, "we are your biological parents son, now go pack, you were adopted."

A man walks into a bar and the barman is astonished. Half of the man's head is half of a huge orange. 'So sorry to be nosy,' the barman says, 'but why is half of your head half of a huge orange?' 'Well, I was cleaning up the barn, the man says, 'and I found an old lamp. I polished it up, and a genie came swooping out of it, saying, 'may I grant you any three wishes, master?' So I said, 'I'd like to have a million dollars - and every time I take the million dollars out of my pocket, another million appears there.' The genie said, 'Your wish is granted. And your second wish?' The man says, 'I'd like a big house with 100 beautiful ladies in it.' 'Your wish is granted, says the genie. 'And your third wish?' 'I'd like half my head to be half of a huge orange.'

Because we tossed the T in the ocean.

Because it had been charged with intent.

Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

V *Edit: seems like the ctrl key on my keyboard is not working

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

Imagine how surprised he must have been. Edit: Thank you to the Redditors that awarded this post. To everybody else I’m sorry I typed your instead of you’re.

EDIT: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!