Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

I recently lost my job and so have been researching new careers. I've decided to open a tattoo parlor where women can flash me for a discount. I'm going to call it "Tit for Tat."

The barkeeper asks: "Do you all want beer?" The first one answers: "I don't know." The second one answers: "I don't know." The third one answers: "Yes!"

Because they were fighting tooth and nail.

So that weekend, he went out to the pub on the promise that he was going to be sensible and not get himself into too much of a state. Naturally, a mere few hours later he had gotten himself absolutely wrecked and vomited all over his new shirt. He starts panicking and saying to his friend ‘what am I going to do? She said if I done this again she would leave me!’ His mate says ‘don’t panic, what you do is- you walk in and say… I can explain, someone else was sick on me and they gave me this £40 to get it cleaned up’ So he walks home with £40 in one hand and he says to his wife ‘don’t worry, this wasn’t my fault, some idiot was sick and he gave me this money as his way of saying sorry’ She said to him ‘There’s 80 there…what about the £40 in the other hand?’ He said ‘ah, that was an apology from the guy who crapped in my jeans.’

She goes up to the man standing behind the bar and she grabs him by his magnificent and long straggly beard which goes way down past his waist And she whispers to him in a seductive tone ‘are you the landlord?’ He says ‘no no, sorry, I’m just the barman- the landlord isn’t here just now’ As he answers, she keeps grabbing his beard, stroking it all over; tugging on it gently with every word as she whispers to him ‘do you know when the landlord will be back?’ He says ‘ehhhh no I’m not sure at all sorry’ And as she continues massaging his facial hair she says to him ‘okay… well when you see the landlord…. You can tell him, ….. there’s no paper towels in the ladies bathroom’.

His name? Pikup Andropov

“For my name is Jehovah, and I am your father.” “No way”, replied the crowd. “Yahweh.”

YOU KNOW IT MAKES ME WANNA SHOUT! KICK MY HEELS UP AND SHOUT! THROW MY HANDS BACK AND SHOUT! THROW MY HEAD BACK AND SHOUT!

no rugrats

How am I supposed to know what to do with it now?

So a Japanese, English, and Australian man are captured by a group of cannibals when out in the jungle. The cannibals' leader says "We will make jackets from your skin, but we shall let you choose how you'll die." So the Japanese man asks for a katana, and stabs himself in the heart. The English man asks for a pistol, and puts it to his head. He says "God Save the King!" before pulling the trigger. The Australian man asks for a plastic fork. Confused, the cannibals give it to him. The Australian man starts stabbing at himself in all directions for nearly 5 whole minutes. Before bleeding out, he says "Fuck your stupid jackets!"

"I just miss the passion and drive we used to have in our early twenties," the wife explained. The friend thought for a moment and reached into her purse to pull out a bottle of pills. "My husband and I were in a similar slump a few months ago, but these really helped. Just crush it up and put it in his morning coffee and I promise it will spice things up." The wife takes the pills eagerly and they finish their meetup before parting ways. A few days later, they meet up again and the wife throws the pill bottle back at her friend. "What happened? It didn't work?" The friend asked. "Oh it worked alright," said the wife, fuming. "I crushed it up and put it in his coffee, just like you said. He barely even finished his cup before he pounced on me, threw me on the table, and made wild, passionate love to me like never before." "Then I don't understand; why are you upset?" "Because we can NEVER go back to that Starbucks again."

A female teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class of 3rd grade. The boy said "Ma'am, I should be in 4th grade, Ï'm smarter than my sis & she's in the 4th grade". The M'am {Teacher} had heard enough of his complains & took the boy to the Principal's office. She explained everything to the Principal who decided to test the boy with some questions that a 4th grade should know. * *Principal: What's 3+3?* Boy: 6 * *Principal: 6+6?* Boy: 12 & so on.. The Principal asked the boy many questions and the boy got them right. The Principal then asked M'am to send the boy to 4th grade. M'am decided to ask some more questions & the Principal agreed. 1. *M'am: What does a cow have 4 of,that Ï've only 2 of?* Boy: Legs 2. *M'am: What's in ur pants that u have but I don't have?* Boy: Pockets 3. *M'am: What starts with a C & ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious & contains thin whitish liquid?* Boy: Coconut 4. *M'am: What goes in hard & pink then comes out soft & sticky?* The principal's eyes open really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge. Boy: Bubble Gum 5. *M'am: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do. What am I?* Boy: Tent. The principal was looking restless 6. *M'am: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me 1st; what am I?* Boy: Wedding Ring 7. *M'am: I come in many sizes. When Ï'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good?* Boy: Nose 8. *M'am: I've a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver* Boy: Arrow 9. *M'am: What starts with 'F' & ends with a 'K' & if u dont get it, u've to use ur hand?* Boy:Fork 10. *M'am: Whats it that all men have,it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his & a man gives it to his wife after marriage?* Boy: Surname 11. *M'am: What part of the man has no bone, but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpin & is responsible for making love?* Boy: Heart The principal breathed a sigh of relief & told the teacher "Send the boy to University, I got the last 10 questions wrong myself!"

Rumour has it that Elon Musk and Bill Gates are creating a new drug for penis enlargement. It’s called Elongates. And it cures a condition called Microsoft!!

“I always worry when you go on a business trip,” the wife confided to her husband. “Don’t worry, dear,” he replied, “I’ll be back sooner than you realize and when you least expect it.” “I know,” she said, and then to herself, ‘*That’s what worries me*.’

Its a Miss Steak not to eat a Sir Loin!

Beware when writing your order « Hello i want to buy your Kurds! -Sir we only sell cheese, not Kurds, you will have to call saddam hussein for that! »

I'll let you know

A co-worker notices and asks, "So, what are you up to next week?" The woman smiles and replies, "Oh I'll be jet setting. It's going to be wonderful." "Oh yeah? Portugal?" "Nope. Shower head."

You'd think they would have been warned by the ticking alarm clock.

That would be a big step forward.

She whispered, "They’re right behind you."

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

The bartender says "I'll have that whiskey and soda ready for you in a jiffy." The pane of glass says ,"How did you know that's what I wanted?" The bartender replies, "I can see right through you."

His penis is 10 foot long with a bucket on the end.

He wracked his mind for things to put in it. He spoke about how much he loved his mother, and how much he cherished her. He then wrote down his favourite memories, especially cooking with her when he was young in the kitchen. He always loved being her SIUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU chef.

Whipped Cream

A man walks up to the bartender and says "Million dollars? I'm in, what do I have to do?" The bartender days "Task 1, there's a big guy at the end of the bar, he's loud and obnoxious and ruins everyone's enjoyment. I need you to go knock him out. Task 2, there is an alligator out back with an abscesses tooth. I need you to remove the tooth from that alligator. And finally, there's an 80-year-old woman upstairs that hasn't seen any...ehm...male companionship in many years. I need you to address that too. " The man says "Pour me 3 shots of tequila and I'll get it done". The bartender obliged. The man walks up to the big guy at the end of the bar, and without warning punches him square in the jaw. He falls backwards out of this stool, flayed out on the floor. After that, the man walks out the back door to go deal with the alligator, and the door closes behind him. All the bar hears is smashing, grunting, screaming, crashing, all kinds of racket. But eventually, the noise dies down. The man walks back into the bar, bleeding, limping, and with clothes torm to pieces. He goes to the bartender and says... "Alright, where's the lady with the bad tooth?"

The girl asks "3am?! What the hell have you been doing?" The guy responds "Oh, I've just been playing some poker with the boys" "You said you would quit! We've been over this so many times! Pack your bags and get out of here, this isn't your house tonight" "You should probably do that too, this isn't your house anymore either"

They have antibodies