Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

Lovely man. Terrible cabinet maker.

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

Y'know, one would have been enough.

He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

Johnn‌‌y d‌‌ecide‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌es‌‌t i‌‌t‌‌. H‌‌‌‌e c‌‌ome‌‌s h‌‌ome‌‌, g‌‌oe‌‌s u‌‌‌‌p t‌‌‌‌o h‌‌i‌‌s m‌‌othe‌‌r a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ays‌‌, "‌‌Mom‌‌, I‌‌‌‌ k‌‌no‌‌w e‌‌verything.‌‌" M‌‌o‌‌m s‌‌hushe‌‌s h‌‌i‌‌m a‌‌n‌‌d g‌‌ive‌‌s h‌‌i‌‌m $‌‌10. "Jus‌‌t d‌‌on'‌‌t t‌‌el‌‌l D‌‌ad‌‌" s‌‌h‌‌e s‌‌ays. Hey‌‌, i‌‌t'‌‌s w‌‌orkin‌‌g t‌‌hink‌‌s L‌‌ittl‌‌e J‌‌ohnny. A‌‌n h‌‌ou‌‌r l‌‌ater‌‌, D‌‌a‌‌d c‌‌ome‌‌s h‌‌om‌‌e f‌‌ro‌‌m w‌‌ork‌‌. J‌‌ohnn‌‌y g‌‌oe‌‌s u‌‌‌‌p t‌‌‌‌o h‌‌i‌‌m a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ays‌‌: "‌‌Dad‌‌, I‌‌‌‌ k‌‌no‌‌w e‌‌verything." Da‌‌d g‌‌ive‌‌s J‌‌ohnn‌‌y $‌‌100‌‌. "‌‌Don'‌‌t t‌‌el‌‌l M‌‌om‌‌", h‌‌‌‌e s‌‌ays. Jus‌‌t t‌‌hen‌‌, t‌‌h‌‌e m‌‌ailma‌‌n k‌‌nock‌‌s o‌‌‌‌n t‌‌h‌‌e d‌‌oor‌‌. J‌‌ohnn‌‌y o‌‌pen‌‌s i‌‌‌‌t a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ays‌‌. "‌‌‌‌I k‌‌no‌‌w e‌‌verything‌‌, M‌‌ister." Th‌‌e m‌‌ailma‌‌n d‌‌rop‌‌s a‌‌l‌‌l h‌‌i‌‌s m‌‌ail‌‌, h‌‌i‌‌s e‌‌ye‌‌s t‌‌ea‌‌r u‌‌‌‌p a‌‌n‌‌d h‌‌‌‌e s‌‌ays: "Wel‌‌l t‌‌he‌‌n J‌‌ohnny‌‌, c‌‌om‌‌e g‌‌iv‌‌e D‌‌add‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ h‌‌ug."

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

All he has to do is lose 50lbs.

Thereisnospacebar.

I'll return.

Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic Dad:Never said I was a good one

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was... At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody else in the island... He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier... it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this... One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her successfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life. But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed... "What's wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing..." the guy would say... She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasn't asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him... "Really?, you'll do anything I'd like?" "yes" she said "anything!" "ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore" "ok..." "now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat" "wha... ok, I'd say I'd do anything" she said lovingly. "ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it" She was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tucked her hair under the hat. "Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache" "ok... if this is what you want..." she muttered. "now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach I'll catch up to you in a bit", he said a bit excited... She started walking... wondering... doubting herself... just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was h... suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "DUDE!!! you won't believe who I've been fucking for the past 6 months!"

As if any of us still have jobs Update: stop bragging about being employed, it's lowering morale /s

'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.

One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow. Edit: Thanks for the gold! It's my first one ever!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY MAN. HE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HIMSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HIS JUNK. HE IS OFFERING UP AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 8 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.

A Holocaust survivor died recently. Goes to Heaven and upon meeting God, he decided to tell a Holocaust joke. Then God said "That's not funny", to which the Jew replied "Oh, I guess you had to be there".

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy. They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty." Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature. He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing. "Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!" Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth. He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement. He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!" They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!" Edit: thank you all for the kindness. As you guessed, of course this joke is not new. There have been permutations of this for a while. Posted this to give you all a smile, but didn't realize it would blow up like this. Much love!

My uncle didn't take my money when he fucked me.

He said 'Genius'

"What happened?" The father asks. "Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet." "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on.... my cock??'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?" "Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father. "That's what I said!"

Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1000 for it.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one. Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples' attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions' den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion's den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

I was in Daniel.

A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chair. The people in the cafe and the guy that told him are confused and ask what happened. The man says "this son of a bitch was just exaggerating, firstly, it was just a couple of trees he made it out like it was a forest, secondly, best friend he says?! It turns out I don't even know the guy". Thank you Edit: Thank you kind stranger for my first gold. The people of Iraq thank you too.

In the end, he came around.

She said "Fuck you". So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me my $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to try to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I can’t remember anything." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 14 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I cannot see at all." Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!” Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw in your laundry. The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit." We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."