Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

That place will be crawling with pussy.

Bloody scissors

"Morning." he says The other man replies "No, just having a shit."

The company boss immediately disliked the guy. But since he was there, he had to conduct the interview. The boss asked his secretary to bring some beer. The drunk guy smelled it and immediately told all the ingredients! The boss winked at the secretary to bring something else…The secretary peed in a glass and brought that to the drink guy. After taking a smell the drunk guy said, ‘26F, and 3 month pregnant ! Now if you don’t give me the job, I’ll tell your wife who the real dad is’

San Diego

But alas

Her sisters were there and someone foolishly brought an aardvark.

Did you know 'emas eht yltcaxe' is exactly the same backwards?

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. Instead of drinking it he gargles his mouth and spits "ghurrrghguuggrrhh, ptu... Fucking Spark". He orders another and again he does the same thing "ghurrrghghurrggghguuggrrhh, ptu... Fucking Spark". The barman sets the third shot beofore him, but this time he asks him, what happened "So, I was driving my truck with two trailers attached, when some idiot in front of me starts overtaking. I swerved, but my left wheels got stuck in the ditch. No way to get out. I was just going to call for help when a guy in a Chevy Spark stops by and says 'Man, don't worry, I will pull you out'. I was like 'Haha, if you pull me out with that matchbox, I will give you a blowjob' "glglglghgghhhhhglllgurrr, ptu... Fucking Spark".

Attire.

I filled in for a friend who couldn't make the golf game at his country club. One of the golfers I met is a pathologist. As we parted ways that afternoon he shook my hand warmly and said, "see you next Thursday." I said, " thanks but I only filled in today." He said, "I know. See you next Thursday."

"Daylight Saving Time. Seriously. 'Daylight Savings Time.' Where... where are these savings? I've been looking! I check my bank account, nothing. I check my couch cushions, maybe a few quarters, but no extra hours of sunshine. They say we 'spring forward.' So, is it like a layaway plan? We give them an hour now, and... what, we get it back later? With interest? Because frankly, the interest rate on that hour seems terrible. I feel like I'm losing money on this deal. And who is the bank of Daylight Savings, anyway? Is there a branch? Can I walk in and be like, 'Yes, I'd like to make a withdrawal from my daylight account please. I had a really cloudy Tuesday, and I need about 3 hours of premium, golden-hour light.' Can you imagine the customer service? 'Thank you for calling Daylight Savings Bank, how can I brighten your day?' 'Yes, hi, my name is John Doe, and I seem to be missing an hour from my balance. It just... disappeared on Sunday.' 'Ah yes, sir, that was the automatic 'spring forward' debit. It's in the terms and conditions, tiny print, scroll all the way down.' 'So when do I get it back?' 'Uh, sometime in the fall? Maybe? Depends on the market fluctuations of... atmospheric pressure and perceived leisure time.' And don't even get me started on the 'falling back.' We fall back? Sounds dangerous. Like the daylight savings bank just trips and drops your hour somewhere. 'Oops! Sorry folks, we had a little 'fall back,' we'll just... sweep this hour under the rug until next year.' It's the only savings plan I know where the government just takes an hour, promises to give it back later, and everyone just collectively shrugs and says, 'Well, I guess I'm just tired now.' I say, if we're gonna have Daylight Savings, let's open a proper account. Get a debit card. Tap to pay for extra time at the park! 'Yeah, just gonna need about 45 minutes of evening glow here, run it through the Daylight Savings terminal.' Until then, I'm still waiting for my statement. Pretty sure my balance is zero, maybe even negative."

But it's a dollar if you want to lick it

He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?” “Are you nuts?!” she replies, and keeps walking. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. “Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” he asks again. “Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. “Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?” She thinks about it for a while and says, “Hmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there.” So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them. The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, “Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?” “Nah”, he replies. “Costs too much…”

Two elderly couples got together to reminisce about old times and laugh about life. One of the gentlemen, Henry, started raving about this great restaurant he and his wife visited not too long ago. “Really?” The other elderly man asked, “What was the name of it?” Henry thought for a second before asking, “What do you call those flowers that smell really good?” “Which ones?” the other guy asked, “Daisy?” “No, that’s not it” Henry replied. “Tulip?” Henry shook his head. “No, that doesn’t sound right either.” “Rose?” “Yes!” Henry snapped his fingers, “That’s it!” Henry turns to his wife and asked her, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?”

How on earth is that supposed to help me build my wardrobe?

She said she loved the trip, but admitted it wasn't what she was thinking when she asked him to use his big rocket to send her to heaven.

Two scientists show up to an inventor's symposium. The first scientist reveals his invention - a rabbit cloning machine! It can replicate each individual cell, creating a perfect copy of the rabbit. The second scientist reveals his invention - a rabbit teleporting machine! It can dematerialize a rabbit from one location and rematerialize it at another - The only problem with his device is that the rabbits always end up with a conjoined identical twin after teleporting. The first scientist asks "We've built nearly the same machine, haven't we?" The second one replies: "Well, if you want to split hares..."

Elsie was the finest cow on Farmer Moggle's huge farm (at least Farmer Moggle thought so), but she was miserable. "What's got you so glum, Elsie?" asked Farmer Moggle. "You're in the very best herd I have, my 1A Herd." "That's just it", said Elsie. "Every cow in 1A Herd thinks she's the best. No cow cares to listen to a lesser cow, so none of them pay attention to anything I say." "Well now, you could try 1B Herd. Maybe they'd be more interested in your thoughts on world affairs," suggested Farmer Moggle. So Elsie spent the next week in 1B Herd. "Better?" asked Farmer Moggle. "Well, sure, they're willing to talk geopolitics, but my poetry readings? Nada. I'm just standing in a field mooing, as far as they're concerned." So Elsie tried 1C Herd (which paid little attention to Elsie's musical abilities), then 1D Herd (which didn't care for Elsie's lectures on entomology). Week after week, Elsie methodically tried to fit in with each of Farmer Moggle's many herds, but 1P Herd, 1Y Herd, 1Z Herd, 2A Herd, 4Q Herd, they all expressed disinterest in at least one of Elsie's lectures, concerts, or discussion topics. "Well, that's the last herd I've got, and you're still not happy," said Farmer Moggle. "I guess it's back to 1A Herd with you. Sorry, Elsie." "Not 1A Herd!" cried Elsie. "Then what do you want?" queried Farmer Moggle. "I want 2B Herd!"

He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back yard. The man goes to the yard and sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story." The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eaves dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years". "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals". "Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired." The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid," the owner says. "£10? But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the back yard."

He complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.” “Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested. The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!” “What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend. “I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”

No pun in ten did.

That's inflation for you.

Mycoxaflopin.

A husband had to leave his wife for 3 months while he attended business in Africa. To prevent her loneliness and to lower the temptations of her being unfaithful he gave his wife a magic dildo before he left. The reason it was called a magic dildo was because no matter where the wife was all she would have to do is say, "magic dildo" and then the place she wanted the magic dildo to be and it would appear there. A week after her husband left, she decided to give the magic dildo a try. She left it in the garage and then went up into her bed and said, "magic dildo, vagina." Instantly it appeared where it was called and satisfied her. She was very excited about her magic dildo and started to use it every where. She called to it at work when no one was looking, in the wooded part of the park, at the movie theatre, when she was dancing, everywhere. No matter where she was it would appear and make her squirm with pleasure. One day on her way to work she hit bad traffic. She looked up ahead and saw there was an accident and realized it would be a while and decided to call the magic dildo. She was feeling really confident and called out "magic dildo, vagina." She became overwhelmed and hit the accelerator slamming into the car in front of her. As it turned out the driver of that car was a cop. The cop came up to the car seeing the woman squirming and suspected she was on drugs. "Get out of the car now and put your hands on the hood!" She tried to comply but ended up just falling to the pavement. The officer was quite alright and asked the woman what she was on. She told him "Officer I'm not on any drugs, my husband gave me a magic dildo and it's causing me to lose control!" The officer, not buying it, simply replied, "Magic dildo, my ass."

Because you shouldn’t put all your eggs in the same basket.

Little Johnny replied,"That girl may may dress like a guy, but she has neither balls Nordic "

Spaghettification

Who is there? I eat mop I eat mop who?

What's wrinkled and smells like ginger? Fred Astaire's face.