Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

"I just miss the passion and drive we used to have in our early twenties," the wife explained. The friend thought for a moment and reached into her purse to pull out a bottle of pills. "My husband and I were in a similar slump a few months ago, but these really helped. Just crush it up and put it in his morning coffee and I promise it will spice things up." The wife takes the pills eagerly and they finish their meetup before parting ways. A few days later, they meet up again and the wife throws the pill bottle back at her friend. "What happened? It didn't work?" The friend asked. "Oh it worked alright," said the wife, fuming. "I crushed it up and put it in his coffee, just like you said. He barely even finished his cup before he pounced on me, threw me on the table, and made wild, passionate love to me like never before." "Then I don't understand; why are you upset?" "Because we can NEVER go back to that Starbucks again."

A female teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class of 3rd grade. The boy said "Ma'am, I should be in 4th grade, Ï'm smarter than my sis & she's in the 4th grade". The M'am {Teacher} had heard enough of his complains & took the boy to the Principal's office. She explained everything to the Principal who decided to test the boy with some questions that a 4th grade should know. * *Principal: What's 3+3?* Boy: 6 * *Principal: 6+6?* Boy: 12 & so on.. The Principal asked the boy many questions and the boy got them right. The Principal then asked M'am to send the boy to 4th grade. M'am decided to ask some more questions & the Principal agreed. 1. *M'am: What does a cow have 4 of,that Ï've only 2 of?* Boy: Legs 2. *M'am: What's in ur pants that u have but I don't have?* Boy: Pockets 3. *M'am: What starts with a C & ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious & contains thin whitish liquid?* Boy: Coconut 4. *M'am: What goes in hard & pink then comes out soft & sticky?* The principal's eyes open really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge. Boy: Bubble Gum 5. *M'am: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do. What am I?* Boy: Tent. The principal was looking restless 6. *M'am: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me 1st; what am I?* Boy: Wedding Ring 7. *M'am: I come in many sizes. When Ï'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good?* Boy: Nose 8. *M'am: I've a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver* Boy: Arrow 9. *M'am: What starts with 'F' & ends with a 'K' & if u dont get it, u've to use ur hand?* Boy:Fork 10. *M'am: Whats it that all men have,it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his & a man gives it to his wife after marriage?* Boy: Surname 11. *M'am: What part of the man has no bone, but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpin & is responsible for making love?* Boy: Heart The principal breathed a sigh of relief & told the teacher "Send the boy to University, I got the last 10 questions wrong myself!"

Rumour has it that Elon Musk and Bill Gates are creating a new drug for penis enlargement. It’s called Elongates. And it cures a condition called Microsoft!!

“I always worry when you go on a business trip,” the wife confided to her husband. “Don’t worry, dear,” he replied, “I’ll be back sooner than you realize and when you least expect it.” “I know,” she said, and then to herself, ‘*That’s what worries me*.’

Its a Miss Steak not to eat a Sir Loin!

Beware when writing your order « Hello i want to buy your Kurds! -Sir we only sell cheese, not Kurds, you will have to call saddam hussein for that! »

I'll let you know

A co-worker notices and asks, "So, what are you up to next week?" The woman smiles and replies, "Oh I'll be jet setting. It's going to be wonderful." "Oh yeah? Portugal?" "Nope. Shower head."

You'd think they would have been warned by the ticking alarm clock.

That would be a big step forward.

She whispered, "They’re right behind you."

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

The bartender says "I'll have that whiskey and soda ready for you in a jiffy." The pane of glass says ,"How did you know that's what I wanted?" The bartender replies, "I can see right through you."

His penis is 10 foot long with a bucket on the end.

He wracked his mind for things to put in it. He spoke about how much he loved his mother, and how much he cherished her. He then wrote down his favourite memories, especially cooking with her when he was young in the kitchen. He always loved being her SIUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU chef.

Whipped Cream

A man walks up to the bartender and says "Million dollars? I'm in, what do I have to do?" The bartender days "Task 1, there's a big guy at the end of the bar, he's loud and obnoxious and ruins everyone's enjoyment. I need you to go knock him out. Task 2, there is an alligator out back with an abscesses tooth. I need you to remove the tooth from that alligator. And finally, there's an 80-year-old woman upstairs that hasn't seen any...ehm...male companionship in many years. I need you to address that too. " The man says "Pour me 3 shots of tequila and I'll get it done". The bartender obliged. The man walks up to the big guy at the end of the bar, and without warning punches him square in the jaw. He falls backwards out of this stool, flayed out on the floor. After that, the man walks out the back door to go deal with the alligator, and the door closes behind him. All the bar hears is smashing, grunting, screaming, crashing, all kinds of racket. But eventually, the noise dies down. The man walks back into the bar, bleeding, limping, and with clothes torm to pieces. He goes to the bartender and says... "Alright, where's the lady with the bad tooth?"

The girl asks "3am?! What the hell have you been doing?" The guy responds "Oh, I've just been playing some poker with the boys" "You said you would quit! We've been over this so many times! Pack your bags and get out of here, this isn't your house tonight" "You should probably do that too, this isn't your house anymore either"

They have antibodies

"The jerky store called, and they've run out of you!!"

She grins and says, "Wanna have a competition to see who can pee the highest?" The man smirks. "Alright, but ladies first." The woman steps up, pulls down her pants, leans back with her hands on her hips, and lets loose—her stream reaching chest height on the urinal. The man nods, clearly impressed. "Not bad, but I reckon I can beat that." He unzips, gets ready to aim, when— The woman smirks and says "Nah ah. No hands."

(Reposting here as too long for Dad jokes) Newish teacher was due for an inspection and was worried about how her class would make her look. Her boyfriend, an engineer, designed something special for her and installed it the night before the inspection. Basically, he'd placed drawing pins under each chair that were controlled by a wireless signal from teacher's iPad. Next morning, when the inspector walked in, she pressed the "all" button and the pins went into every pupils backside. Of course they all jumped up, and the inspector was impressed by the class' respectful behaviour. Next, the teacher told him she was doing a pop quiz on the Bible. First question was "Who was our Lord and Saviour?" She called on George and pressed his button. George jumped up, rubbing his bottom, exclaiming "Jesus Christ!" Next question was "Who was sent floating in a basket down the river?" This time it was Brian's turn to get the jab. He jumped up, rubbing his bottom, crying out "Holy Moses!" The next question was "What did Eve say to Adam in the Garden of Eden?" This time, she called upon Johnny (oh, will they never learn?) who'd been stung once and had seen the how the teacher was doing the tricks. Before she could press the button for Johnny, he'd already jumped up, saying "You're not going to stick that thing in me."

But I told him I couldn't, because I had a weak back. He asked me how long I'd had a weak back. And I said "Oh, about a week back."

"My car is broken, and I need it fixed ASAP." **Quantum Mechanic:** No problem. That’ll be $500. Come back in an hour. The man waits an hour and returns. "Is my car fixed?" **Quantum Mechanic:** Your car is both fixed and still broken. Frustrated, the man says, **"This is the most advanced, most expensive, most important car in the world! Do you understand the GRAVITY of this situation?"** **Quantum Mechanic:** No

Being nose or throat responsible

Cause he was a wobbly

She said, "Sure." I said, "Never mind, it's too long."

what a fool he was, for I felt no pain.

Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.

After a few months, the son returns and says, "Dad, I’ve become a Christian." Shocked, the father confides in his friend, who listens and then sighs, "That’s strange… I sent my son to Israel last year, and he also came back a Christian!" Baffled, they decide to visit their Rabbi for guidance. After hearing their stories, the Rabbi strokes his beard and says, "This is unbelievable… My son also went to Israel—and he too came back a Christian!" Now completely bewildered, they agree there’s only one place left to turn. Together, they pray: "Oh God, what is happening? We send our sons to Israel to strengthen their Judaism, and they all return as Christians!" A deep voice rumbles from the heavens: "Tell me about it..."