Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.” After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s no way you’re fucking me in the ass!” “Alright then, guess you’re sucking my cock.” So she starts to suck him off and quickly spits it out and looks up at him. “Your dick tastes like shit!” “Yeah well, the dogs didn’t want to go hunting either.” Author’s Notes: WOW! Never thought this would get this much feedback. A few clarifications for anyone asking: 1. I was in the back end of the kitchen with a fellow cook during a quieter lunch hour when this happened. The place I was working at had been opened less than a month. We had been swapping jokes for a bit before I let this one loose and instead of it being muffled by the sounds of the deep fryer, grill, etc., it was projected out into the main seating area through the ticket window like a speaker. 2. A customer was the one who ultimately complained to the manager and I was gracefully fired the following day when I walked in to start my shift. I had come from working at a bar previously, so the fact that more sensitive people/families were the ones showing up completely slipped my mind as I was in the back cracking joke with the other chef (a 10+ year veteran of the industry.)The owner was pretty cool with everything all things considered, but explained that they just couldn’t take the risk of something else happening. I even got to say goodbye to everyone before I left, including the head chef who originally hired me, and everyone was really supportive and understanding. 3. I got a new job shortly after in a warehouse and have been much better off since. I make more money, work less hours, have actual benefits and my bosses are WAY less uptight due to the nature of the job. It was the strangest blessing in disguise I’ve ever received as I don’t know how much longer I wouldn’t lasted in the food industry either way. So in the end, everything worked out.

I can get through a Jimmy Fallon sketch without laughing.

She isn't sick, I just think she can get better

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soon as he's gone wonder woman gasps, sits up and yells "what the hell was that?!" "I don't know but my ass hurts like hell" replies the invisible Man

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army. The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armour and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 knights, with fine leather armour and a few dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire. The night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and party into the late hours of the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and drink well into the night. In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and swings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight. The next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hungover and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old weary, unable to get up. In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing - the squire from the third kingdom. And it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!" The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewhat miffed the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "A round of your sweetest wine for everyone here except that Jew!" Once again while everyone is cheering he turns back to the Jew grinning evilly but is shocked to see the Jew still smiling warmly and even inclined his head in the Nazi's direction. The Nazi turns to bartender and says as loud as he could through gritted teeth "A bottle of your most expensive drink for everyone in this bar except for that Jew". The Nazi satisfied turns around chuckling to himself and freezes gobsmacked seeing the Jew smiling broadly at him and waving. Furiously the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "What the hell is wrong with that Jew? Is he crazy or just plain stupid?" The bartender replies "Neither. He's the owner of the bar."

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$150" Man - "Sold." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?" Boy - "$350" Man - "Highway robbery. Sold." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says, "$500" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner. The girl tells her boyfriend that she would like to "do it" for the first time. The boy is ecstatic but he has never done it before so he goes to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for over an hour and tells the boy everything there is to know about protection. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy whether he would like the 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. Boy picks the family pack because he thinks he will be really busy since it is his first time. The boy shows up at the girl's house and she takes her to the dinner table where her family is sitting. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. One minute pass and the boy is still in deep prayer with his head down. This continues for 20 minutes and he shows no movement. Finally the girl leans over and whispers"I had no idea you were so religious" The boy whispers back" I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!'

on a plane

They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.

4G must've fried their brains.

I’m not sure what surprised him most: my nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives.

One goes *ba dum tiss*, the other is da bum kiss.

They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night. "I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner. The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door. "I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me." "No problem," says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. "There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings." "I will go then, friends," says the Jehovah's Witness, and he proceeds to the barn. A few moments later, there is a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig.

and all just because of a stupid police officer... The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car: Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!" Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything." Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?" Me: "A car." Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?" Me:"I have no idea!" Officer:"So, you're drunk." Me:"But I didn't drink anything." Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it? Me:"A motorcycle." Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?" Me:"I have no idea!" Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!" Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question. Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?" Officer:"A prostitute of course." Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?" Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans. Despite them not knowing what a Trump fan was but wanting to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well, all except for little Timmy. The teacher looks over to little Timmy and asks, “Timmy, why are you being different again?” He says, “well, because I’m not a Trump fan.” “Why aren’t you a Trump fan?” “Because I’m a democrat.” The teacher snuffs and says, “oh really? Why are you a democrat?” He responds, “well, my mom is a democrat, my dad is a democrat, so I’m a democrat.” She then says, “Oh really? Then what if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?” Little Timmy smiles and says, “a Trump fan.”

I have no idea who let her into my office.

China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway. ​ (Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!) (Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

You only need one nail to hang the picture up.

He says to the madam, "Hi, I'm a traveling salesman, I've been on the road for eight weeks. I'll pay $100 for the worst blow-job in the house." She says, "The worst...? For $100 you can have the *best* blow-job in the house!" He says, "No, it's all right, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant ...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow. 'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a candle for you,' he promises. Time passes and the priest returns to the little town after 10 years. The first thing he does is visit the couple's home. He can hear a crazy loud noise when he knocks on the door. The wife opens the door; three little children on her arms, a couple of them hiding under her skirt, and others behind her playing around. The priest counts as many as ten of them! 'Well this is quite a pleasant surprise,' exclaims the priest. 'It seems like God listened to my prayer. But where is your dear husband?' 'My husband traveled to Rome,' says the wife with a tired look on her face. 'To Rome? Why on earth would he go to Rome?' 'To blow out that bloody candle you lit!'

He asked his wife Melinda where they went, who replied that Steve Jobs showed up earlier and offered them the same work at his mansion for double their previous wage. Bill became furious. "Fucking Jobs, coming here and taking our immigrants!"

"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.

But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle

So I said: "Ok, this isn't working out."

Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese too Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its head. Farmer yells , "You deserve it, you horny bastard!" The cock slowly opens one eye, looks up at the sky and whispers , " Shhhhhh, They're about to land!!!"

A bus filled with 18 year old sheltered Catholic school girls drove off a cliff and they all died. So they all form a single file line in front of the gates of heaven and saint Peter says to the first girl "have you ever touched a man's penis?" And the girl says "yes but just with the tip of my finger" so saint Peter tells her to dip her finger into the holy water and she may pass into heaven. The next girls steps forward and Peter asks her the same question. She says "yes but only with my hand for a moment" so Peter tells her to dip her whole hand into the holy water and she may pass to heaven. Then suddenly one of the girls from the back of the line starts pushing everyone out of the way to get to the front of the line. Peter looks at her and says "what seems to be the problem?" And she says "Peter I just want to gargle some holy water before Jenny sticks her ass in it"

. The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.” He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.” The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes. The Russian says, “That, gentlemen, is courage." The American says, “That's nothing.” He calls over a PO and says, “I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return." The PO salutes, jumps off the bow, swims to the stern, and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes. The American says, “That, gentlemen, is courage." The British admiral says, “That's nothing. Sailor, come here." The matelot comes to attention and salutes. The admiral says, “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again." The matelot looks at the admiral and says, “You can fuck right off, sir!” The admiral turns to the other two and says, “And that, gentlemen, is courage."

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?! Boy: Yes... grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world! Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there! Boy: What problem?! Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother! Boy: Why not?! You married mine! Edit - thanks kind strangers for the awards! I have never gotten them before so thanks!