Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus. Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put under a god damn tarp in the god damn shed.” Santa, in complete shock, pulled Little Johnny’s parents aside and said “In all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth.” His parents replied “We know, but we have no idea what to do about his behavior. We’ve tried everything.” Santa thought about it and said “Here’s what we’ll do to teach him a lesson, every place that Johnny asked for a present, we’ll put a pile of dog poop.” The parents agreed to try Santa’s plan. On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed. Seeing the pile of poop, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath. Finding another pile of poop under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door. Finding a tarp in the shed, he quickly pulled back the tarp and found yet another pile of poop. Johnny walked out of the shed and started looking all around the yard. After a while his parents asked him sarcastically “So Little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?” Without missing a beat, Johnny looked at his parents and said “I think I got a god damned dog, but I can’t find the motherfucker!” Edit: My Dad would have been unbelievably happy at how many people got a chuckle out of this. Thank you Reddit!

Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."

Why did the chicken cross the road? Cause your butt stinks!! Ha! Stinky butt ​ He doesn't understand downvotes so I'll eat the loss of karma cause this made him happy

Denial.

Whoops, wrong sub

Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies. "Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.” Once again, he thanked her. He finished his round, went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.” He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold. She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.” “No, I wouldn’t.” he said. She said, “I sell tampons.” With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard. She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.” “That’s not what I’m laughing at!” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”

Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women" Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist doctor at the most highly rated hospitals in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I'm at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5,000 women." Friend C said, "I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke."

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?”

Me: *turns in gun and badge* My boss: “You’re a waiter where did you get those”

A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.

No wait, she's back. She just went to make a cup of tea.

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!” Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?” Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!” The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?” Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.” Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued. “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”

Boy: ‟Dark in here.” Man: ‟Yes it’s.” Boy: ‟I have a baseball.” Man: ‟That's nice.” Boy: ‟Want to buy it?” Man: ‟No, thanks.” Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.” Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?” Boy: ‟$250.” In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: ‟Dark in here.” Man: ‟Yes, it's..” Boy: ‟I have a baseball glove.” Man: ‟That's nice.” Boy: ‟Want to buy it?” Man: ‟No, thanks.” Boy: ‟I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad.” Man: ‟How much did you say the glove was again?” Boy: ‟$750.” Man: ‟Fine.” A few days later, the father says to the boy, ‟Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!” The boy says, ‟I can't. I sold them.” The father asks, ‟How much did you sell them for?” The son says, ‟$1,000.” The father says, ‟It's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.” They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, ‟Dark in here.” The priest says, ‟Do not start that shit again.”

In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel. As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel... you know how to fish."

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.' edit: FUCKYEAH tnx for the upvotes, kind strangers

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre

Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake. "Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said. So the father visited a ton of different bakeries and did research, but found the prices to be too high. *My daughter is inviting all of her friends, and I'll look bad if I don't put together a good cake*, he thought. Then, he stumbled upon a shop that opened once a year to provide free cake to its customers. *How quaint,* the father thought, but desperate, he walked inside to see if they could provide a cake for his daughter's birthday. He was met by a Buddhist monk chanting and lighting incense. "Hello," the father asked, "I would like to buy a cake." "Of course," the monk replied, "just draw a picture of the cake you would like on the notepad on the desk." The father thought this to be weird, but wanting to save as much money as possible, he gave him the address and told him to come in the backdoor, just in case the cake was bad. The day of the party arrived and the monk visited the house with the most extravagant cake the family had ever seen. All of the guests were in awe, and whispered to each other about how much the cake could have cost. The monk became the guest of honor and at the end of the party, the father approached the monk and asked, "Why do you do this for free? You should take money for your services!" The monk smiled and said, "I do this for free because a cake day is the best way to earn karma." PART 2 and PART 3 in my profile

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

The bartender agrees The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it The bartender angrily gives the man his money The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind The man pulls out his dentures and lightly chomps them on his other eyeball The bartender is fuming, but gives the man his money The man then orders a beer, and walks away The man walks back, and bets the bartender $1000 that he can piss directly into a shot glass while running, with 2 attempts The bartender knows for a fact that this is impossible, and agrees to the bet On attempt 1, the man gets piss everywhere, and none in the shot glass The bartender smirks, with high hopes On attempt 2, the man once again pisses everywhere in the bar, except for the glass The bartender jumps up and down in excitement, knowing that he has won Then another man in the corner of the bar screams 'FUCK' When the bartender asks what the problem is, the man says, "That asshole just bet me $10,000 that he could piss all over the bar, and that you would be happy" Edit: Thanks for the upvotes and awards, and I did not mean to rip off a movie. Goodnight Edit 2: Just woke up to 40k upvotes. Wow! Thanks so much

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have? Me: Two. You have two, son. Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here! The student has become the teacher.

"Look at what kids your age make in China!"

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades. Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.