Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

I got 99 problems, but the beach ain't one of them

Russia has less school shootings and more trade partners.

The onions are acidic, but you shouldn't use them in a battery.

Counter-culture chefs use it to oppose the mainstream onions.

Amazon’s Mechanical Turk.

Gluten tag!

A private tutor

Now I know why people call you handsome

The 2010s-2030s will be described the same way, except we skipped the party.

- Half an hour, but if you help me, it'll be faster. - No, half an hour is fine!

A couple has two stunningly beautiful daughters, but their third child is a very ugly son. Man to his wife: "You cheated on me!" "No, not this time"

Obviously, he started out as an amateur playing music for free, but as soon as he starts charging money, he's Pro Bono.

"Rosario can you bring us more coffee?""

Oof !

Two aquatic creatures find themselves inside an unexpected piece of military equipment. One of them, clearly unprepared for the situation, turns to the other and asks if they have the necessary skills to operate it.

The cop calls 911 for an ambulance to help the woman then pursues the driver and pulls him over. "Say, says the cop" did you know that your wife fell out of the car when you drove through that intersection"? The man looks over to the passenger seat, sees that is is empty and says to the cop, "Thank God I thought I had gone deaf".

I told him to go and grow a pear.

I said:"Don't stop me now"

A man tells his wife that he quit his job and bought a farm. "We're going to be scapegoat herders!" His wife scoffs. "You don't know anything about raising scapegoats! You idiot, you've ruined our lives!" The man shakes his head. "Actually, you know who's really to blame here..."

He wasn't "koala"fied.

"These men took me and forced me into a car, and now they're holding me against my will!" "Okay, can you give me any details about your location?" "Down the hall" He didn't know he wasn't supposed to use his one phone call that way

I said Maybe

He looked at me and said, "I've started, so I'll finish"

As the hitchhiker gets in he notices a monkey sitting on a stoop but doesn’t mention it. Few miles down hitchhiker says “ thanks for stopping, so what’s the deal with this little guy? Must get lonely on the road I guess “ trucker responds “ it sure does, let me show you how he helps” He lifts his hand and slaps the monkey so hard it falls to the floorboard . Quickly the monkey gets his bearings jumps up unzips the truckers pants and proceeds to give him a blowjob . After it’s done monkey zips the truckers pants and goes back to its stoop . “Pretty cool huh ? “ trucker says “ want to give it a try ? “ hitchhiker sits up raises his hand and points at the trucker “ ok but you better not slap me that hard “

It's a good idea to carry around a box of tissues…

So a man walks into a bar and can't help but notice a man seated in the back with a big orange head. He walks up to the bartender and asks, "What's up with the dude with the big orange head?" The bartender grins, "It's quite a remarkable story! Why don't you go ask him yourself?" Filled with intrigue, he approaches the man with a big orange head. Before he can utter a word, the orange headed stranger sets his beer on the counter and smiles,"I take it you want to hear how I got my big orange head?" The man nods, concerned but exceedingly curious. "Alright son, listen close; it's certainly a tale for the ages! It all started one day when I was strolling on the beach. I stubbed my toe and tripped over something hard in the sand. Curious as to what caused my fall, I dug around the object until it was revealed to be some kind of lamp! I rubbed off the remaining dirt, when the sky began to darken and magical genie emerged! His voice boomed,'You have awakened me from my eternal slumber! To express my gratitude, I will grant you any 3 wishes, but be careful, some may not end up the way you intend..' I pondered the possibilities, and determined my first wish, 'I wish to be the richest man in the world!' Immediately afterwards, the clouds parted, and heavenly light pierced the sky. Angels one after another decended down and handed me cash, precious stones, and keys to mansions and exotic cars. After wiping away my tears of joy, I shouted, 'For my second wish, I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world!' Suddenly, an intense wind blew through the sea. It gust was so powerful that the ocean parted, and from the ravine of water came out a woman dressed in a gorgeous wedding gown. Her face was breathtakingly beautiful, and her eyes so alluring they still freeze my heart to this very day." The orange headed man stops to chug his brew. The other man is at the edge of his seat with anticipation. After wiping his mouth from the drink, he frowned remorsefully, "This is where I messed up, kid. I asked the genie for a big orange head."

Nobody nose

But they aren’t heartless

He spends ages checking her out, but doesn't have the nerve to speak to her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes hurtling out of its socket towards him. He reaches out, grabs it in the air and gives it back to her. "Oh,l am so sorry, the woman says as she pops the eye back in. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a fantastic meal together then go to the theatre, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest thoughts and he shares his. After paying for everything, she invites him back to her place. Next morning, she cooks them both a gourmet breakfast. The man is amazed. You are the perfect woman, he says. Are you this nice to every man you meet?" "No,' she replies. You just happened to catch my eye."

...Said Noah as the ark began to sink...