Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

...so I went home.

It was a moo-sician. Played a horn, sometimes an udder instrument. Wanted to join Baker in Cream.

USB.

>!He had hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia!< >!But he contracted pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis!< >!So he had to have a very long word with his manager!<

Our boss, who art a heathen, Broken be thy name. Thy receiver come, thy ruin be done, From Perth as far as Devon. Give us till then our daily wage And forgive us our strikes As we forgive those who blackleg against us. For thine is the Greek island, The Rolls and the mistress, Paid for by the sweat of Our men.

"Yes, all the others were 9s and 10s.”

Because they’ve lost their queen Why can’t Americans play chess? Because they lost their 2 towers.

That's when I yelled out Oh Fuck!

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the phone answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long", he says as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!" The cab driver hit a parked car...

It's not his fault her tits block the view.

A man was driving along a narrow, dark and winding road when his car stuttered, shuddered and hiccuped, so he brought it to a halt. Not knowing much about engines, he opened the bonnet and looked at it helplessly, praying for inspiration or a good Samaritan. Suddenly, out of the gloom, a voice said, "Check the spark plugs." He looked around, but all he could see was a white horse. A little panicking, he still looked at the engine but did nothing. He heard it again, "Check the spark plugs." This time, with thundering heart, he did look at the spark plugs and noticed that a couple of the connectors appeared to have worked loose. He quickly pressed them back in, restarted the car, and gratified to hear the engine purr, he hightailed it out of there. A mile or so later, he saw a building with a sign that said it was a pub. He pulled up, went in and asked for a double brandy which he gulped down. The barman asked why he was so upset, and the man recounted his saga. When he mentioned the voice and only a horse in sight, the barman asked, "Was it a white horse?" "Why, yes, yes, it was. What do you know about it?" The barman replied,"You're very lucky. There is a black horse in the same field, knows nothing about cars."

as all the tables couldn't start playing until they agreed who got to be the car.

He's always punching people in the faith.

The Yeethaw

Last year a woman replaced all the windows in her house with those expensive, high efficiency, double paned windows. Today, she got a call from the store saying she hadn’t paid for them. The woman said just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean I’m stupid. Just like your salesman told me, these windows will pay for themselves in one year. Helloooo, it’s been a year, they’re paid for…

Two vampires walk into a bar. One orders a Bloody Mary, the other just water. The first vampire asks, "Hey Steve, how come you're not drinking tonight?" Steve sighs, "I just got back from the doctor & he says I need colon surgery. Now I gotta fly back to Shitsylvania."

Me: some of my best works been done under a woman !

That place will be crawling with pussy.

Bloody scissors

"Morning." he says The other man replies "No, just having a shit."

The company boss immediately disliked the guy. But since he was there, he had to conduct the interview. The boss asked his secretary to bring some beer. The drunk guy smelled it and immediately told all the ingredients! The boss winked at the secretary to bring something else…The secretary peed in a glass and brought that to the drink guy. After taking a smell the drunk guy said, ‘26F, and 3 month pregnant ! Now if you don’t give me the job, I’ll tell your wife who the real dad is’

San Diego

But alas

Her sisters were there and someone foolishly brought an aardvark.

Did you know 'emas eht yltcaxe' is exactly the same backwards?

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. Instead of drinking it he gargles his mouth and spits "ghurrrghguuggrrhh, ptu... Fucking Spark". He orders another and again he does the same thing "ghurrrghghurrggghguuggrrhh, ptu... Fucking Spark". The barman sets the third shot beofore him, but this time he asks him, what happened "So, I was driving my truck with two trailers attached, when some idiot in front of me starts overtaking. I swerved, but my left wheels got stuck in the ditch. No way to get out. I was just going to call for help when a guy in a Chevy Spark stops by and says 'Man, don't worry, I will pull you out'. I was like 'Haha, if you pull me out with that matchbox, I will give you a blowjob' "glglglghgghhhhhglllgurrr, ptu... Fucking Spark".

Attire.

I filled in for a friend who couldn't make the golf game at his country club. One of the golfers I met is a pathologist. As we parted ways that afternoon he shook my hand warmly and said, "see you next Thursday." I said, " thanks but I only filled in today." He said, "I know. See you next Thursday."

"Daylight Saving Time. Seriously. 'Daylight Savings Time.' Where... where are these savings? I've been looking! I check my bank account, nothing. I check my couch cushions, maybe a few quarters, but no extra hours of sunshine. They say we 'spring forward.' So, is it like a layaway plan? We give them an hour now, and... what, we get it back later? With interest? Because frankly, the interest rate on that hour seems terrible. I feel like I'm losing money on this deal. And who is the bank of Daylight Savings, anyway? Is there a branch? Can I walk in and be like, 'Yes, I'd like to make a withdrawal from my daylight account please. I had a really cloudy Tuesday, and I need about 3 hours of premium, golden-hour light.' Can you imagine the customer service? 'Thank you for calling Daylight Savings Bank, how can I brighten your day?' 'Yes, hi, my name is John Doe, and I seem to be missing an hour from my balance. It just... disappeared on Sunday.' 'Ah yes, sir, that was the automatic 'spring forward' debit. It's in the terms and conditions, tiny print, scroll all the way down.' 'So when do I get it back?' 'Uh, sometime in the fall? Maybe? Depends on the market fluctuations of... atmospheric pressure and perceived leisure time.' And don't even get me started on the 'falling back.' We fall back? Sounds dangerous. Like the daylight savings bank just trips and drops your hour somewhere. 'Oops! Sorry folks, we had a little 'fall back,' we'll just... sweep this hour under the rug until next year.' It's the only savings plan I know where the government just takes an hour, promises to give it back later, and everyone just collectively shrugs and says, 'Well, I guess I'm just tired now.' I say, if we're gonna have Daylight Savings, let's open a proper account. Get a debit card. Tap to pay for extra time at the park! 'Yeah, just gonna need about 45 minutes of evening glow here, run it through the Daylight Savings terminal.' Until then, I'm still waiting for my statement. Pretty sure my balance is zero, maybe even negative."

But it's a dollar if you want to lick it