Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

During the check up, the doctor asked him if he was having any issues with wetting the bed at night. The man responded, "No doc, no issues at all with that. On the contrary, when I go to the bathroom, a fairy or something turns the light on when I open the door. And after I finish going to the bathroom, the fairy or something turns the light off for me. It's really wonderful!" The doctor looked concerned and scribbled some notes about this and continued on with the check up. After the check up, the doctor went out to the waiting room where one of the man's family members asked him how the check up went. The doctor responded, "Well Ma'am, his check up went OK. Physically, he's as healthy as can be for a 90 year old. But mentally, I'm worried he's coming down with dementia or something." The lady, with a concerned look on her face asks, "Why do you say that?" The doctor responded and said, "Well, during the check up, he told me that when he goes to the restroom at night, a fairy or something turns on the light when he opens the door and that same fairy or something turns off the light for him when he finishes. I'm just a little concerned about his mental health." The lady with a horrified look turns to the rest of the family and says, "Oh no, Grandpa's been pissing in the fridge again!"

They have no guts

They have a lot of spine

Cop: but you’re the lawyer.. Man: I know… so where’s my present?

Because of the separation of church and steak.

Nobody saw it coming.

The Pavement...

Academia nuts

Holds up 2 fingers, and says "3 beers please!"

In big sized cups.

"Get your cuirass out of here!"

Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? A: It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

Or do I?

Arrrrr-becue!

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance: "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!" So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-Dead Good Looking and Help with Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street. The 1st floor has wives that love sex. The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

but his inner voice kept telling him, "if you build it, they will come"

to come in handy

He wouldn’t have been crucified, instead we would be celebrating him getting stoned.

She was asking for relationship advice and apparently took me too seriously when I told her that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Pokémon the shoulder.

Three men tragically are killed in a car accident and find themselves at the gates of Heaven. They’re met by Saint Peter. “Guys, welcome to Heaven! Entrance is not automatic, you need to pass a little test. In the old days, we used to examine your life, weigh your sins against your good deeds, that sort of thing. But these days, we’ve found that we’ve had to relax the entrance requirements quite a bit, as otherwise we’re finding very few candidates make it in. So here’s the test: What’s the meaning of Easter?” The first unfortunate soul nervously speaks out. “Well, er, Easter is when we cut down a tree, bring it in the house and decorate it, and Santa Claus brings us presents, and…” Peter cuts him off. “No, you’re thinking about Christmas. You go to Hell,” and with that, the man disappears in a puff of sulphuric smoke and fire. The next guy says, “Uhhh, Easter, hmm. Oh yeah, that’s when we have parades, politicians make speeches, we have picnics, at night we shoot off fireworks…” The Vicar of Christ sighs. “No, that’s not even a religious holiday. You’re thinking of American Independence Day. You go with the other guy.” Poof, and he was gone. The third man confidently begins. “The story of Easter is how our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, was crucified on the Cross to atone for our sins. He suffered, died, and was buried in the tomb. But on the third day, Easter Sunday, He rose from the dead, the stone covering the tomb was rolled away…” Peter is ready to cue the celestial trumpets and swing open the Gates. “… Jesus came out, saw his shadow, and we all had six more weeks of winter.”

I mean, statistically speaking, they’re more likely to be from Lyon, Paris, or somewhere else

She replied that aren’t we supposed to give up something we enjoy?

between the price of eggs being so high, and the crazy 240% tariffs on the plastic eggs from China

Not as hard as the kids who were 4 and 6 and the time.

Pity.

The waiter responds, “Excellent choice. And what year?” The blond replies “Well, duh - we want it now!”

turns out the jury’s diction was lacking.

A guy is hanging out in his favourite, bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly man. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a hooker. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him. The next night, he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. "Is it true you're a hooker?" "Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?" "Well, I dunno. What do you charge?" "I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there." "$100!! For a handjob? Are you nuts?" "You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs. "Trust me, it's worth it." The guy mulls it over for a while and decides what the hell. He leaves with her and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life. The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her. "Last night was incredible!" "Of course it was. Just wait till you try one of my blow jobs." "How much is that?" "$500" "$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!" "You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out front at a 12 storey apartment building. "I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust me, it's worth it." Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her and once again, is not disappointed. He nearly faints - twice! The next night, he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. "I'm totally hooked on you.... you are the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?" She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You see that island?" "Awwww c'mon..... You can't mean that!" She nods her head.. "You bet..... if I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!"

To hide their butt quacks.