Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts playing classical music like Beethoven and Chopin. Once he finishes, the bartender is in utter disbelief. He tells the man "You can have free drinks for the rest of the night, but only if you tell where you got this." The man says "In the alley way behind your bar, there is a Genie who is granting free wishes to everyone who wants them." Elated, the bartender heads behind his bar to see if it was true. A few minutes passed and out of the alleyway erupts a cacophony of quacking. The bartender rushes back into the bar and shuts his door against a wave of thousands of ducks. He manages to secure the door and says to the man "I think that the Genie is hard of hearing, because after I asked for a million bucks, these ducks appeared by the thousands." The man chuckles and says "Did you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago. She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt". I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.

Me: “Hello.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.” Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?” NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.” Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?” NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?” Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?” Me: “I think it's already on.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay, sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.” Me: “I don’t see that.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?” Me: “Yes.” NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.” Me: “Wow, I didn’t realize it had a name.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, now press on Internet Options.” Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.” NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again.” Me: “OK, it’s the same as before.” NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?” Me: “Ummm…I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it it just kind of stays on all the time.” NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?” Me: “In those cases I usually press the big button beneath Stop/Cancel.” NOT-Microsoft support: “OK sir. Please press that button.” Me: “Ok.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?” Me: “No. The door popped open.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?” Me: “No, there’s a burrito.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?” Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”

Cause imma need a blindfold to hit that.

A receding heir line...

Humans miss John Lennon

Me: "Okay, this isn't working out."

A reptile dysfunction.

I would say that they both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs, but I shouldn't compare apples to oranges.

So in essence, Jesus is...>!never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.!<

Maybe that’s why everyone is so scared of clowns.

guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?" The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for what you did earlier, right? I study law; I know how to make someone feel guilty."

1. 2. 3.

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was

God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.

They have a Supreme Ruler.

Dear Sir/Ma'am, We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons: Illegal Downloading

I'm not joking, but he is

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith" Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself" He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, request that's always granted by the two. Every time they stop to a house Satan never fails to display how much of a lovely guy he really is by telling amazing stories, singing, cracking jokes and just generally being a great person. At sunset the devil sees that Jack was very tired and decides to show him the house he'll be spending the rest of eternity into. As they walk to Jack's new house the two pass close to a huge wall and Jack asks: "What's behind there?" Satan: "Oh, nothing that should concern you, pay it no mind" Despite his curiosity Jack thought better not to bother Satan with further questions and just followed him to his new house where Satan promised he'd be back the following morning to show him the recreational center before finally bidding him a goodnight after a long day. That night however Jack kept thinking back at the whole situation he's in and how surreal everything was until his thoughts eventually jumped to the wall he saw earlier in the day. After a few minutes trying to guess what could there be behind that wall that Satan couldn't even tell him he decided he should investigate, as such he took a deep breath and dived into the night walking back to the place where the wall was. Once there he searched for some clues until he saw some faint light coming from a spot in the wall; upon closer inspection he saw that there was a hole and the light was coming from behind the wall. Jack took a deep breath and scrounged up the courage to look into the crack on the wall and what he saw was a spectacle much alike what he always thought hell would be. On the other side of the wall huge flames were scattered all over a burnt and scalding hot ground and much to his horror he saw other souls inside that nightmare being eternally burned and never consuming, screaming and pleading for help. Jack rushed back into his place where he just quietly sobbed and cried all night for he was sure now that the Devil was just toying with him to give him a bit of hope right before tossing him into eternal despair. The following morning Satan showed up once again and told Jack to come with him. Jack pleaded: "PLEASE! PLEASE! Don't take me to hell, I'll do anything just let me stay here, I don't wanna burn for all eternity!" Satan: "What are you talking about??? I'm just gonna show you the recreational center like I told you yesterday" Jack: "Don't lie to me, I saw what was going on behind the giant wall!" Satan: "Ooooh you saw that! Don't worry that's not for you, that's the Christian hell" Jack: "The christian hell? Why would the christian hell be like that?" Satan: "I don't know either man, they just want it that way" EDIT: sorry to those who didn't like it, love ya all r/jokes and thanks for the gold. EDIT2: Sort by controversial.

Sometimes I could hear it two blocks away

Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? - Sure I was, Moshe. When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? - I was, Moshe. And now you're at my death bed, aren't you? - I am, darling. I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah.

Because Trump always pay off the people he's fucked.

That would be admitting that 2021

Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost? The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped! The priest said, Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box! The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box! The man replied, Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy. "Who was the first woman?" He says to the first nun. "Eve." The gates swing open and she walks in. "Where did Eve live?" He says to the second nun. "The Garden of Eden." The gates swing open once more. "Now, seeing as you're the Mother Superior, you must answer a more difficult question, what was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?" St. Peter says to the third nun. "Oh, that's a hard one..." The gates swing open.

She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

“You herd me.”

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. “You rotten bastard," says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!”