Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back yard. The man goes to the yard and sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story." The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eaves dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years". "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals". "Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired." The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid," the owner says. "£10? But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the back yard."

He complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.” “Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested. The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!” “What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend. “I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”

No pun in ten did.

That's inflation for you.

Mycoxaflopin.

A husband had to leave his wife for 3 months while he attended business in Africa. To prevent her loneliness and to lower the temptations of her being unfaithful he gave his wife a magic dildo before he left. The reason it was called a magic dildo was because no matter where the wife was all she would have to do is say, "magic dildo" and then the place she wanted the magic dildo to be and it would appear there. A week after her husband left, she decided to give the magic dildo a try. She left it in the garage and then went up into her bed and said, "magic dildo, vagina." Instantly it appeared where it was called and satisfied her. She was very excited about her magic dildo and started to use it every where. She called to it at work when no one was looking, in the wooded part of the park, at the movie theatre, when she was dancing, everywhere. No matter where she was it would appear and make her squirm with pleasure. One day on her way to work she hit bad traffic. She looked up ahead and saw there was an accident and realized it would be a while and decided to call the magic dildo. She was feeling really confident and called out "magic dildo, vagina." She became overwhelmed and hit the accelerator slamming into the car in front of her. As it turned out the driver of that car was a cop. The cop came up to the car seeing the woman squirming and suspected she was on drugs. "Get out of the car now and put your hands on the hood!" She tried to comply but ended up just falling to the pavement. The officer was quite alright and asked the woman what she was on. She told him "Officer I'm not on any drugs, my husband gave me a magic dildo and it's causing me to lose control!" The officer, not buying it, simply replied, "Magic dildo, my ass."

Because you shouldn’t put all your eggs in the same basket.

Little Johnny replied,"That girl may may dress like a guy, but she has neither balls Nordic "

Spaghettification

Who is there? I eat mop I eat mop who?

What's wrinkled and smells like ginger? Fred Astaire's face.

They can dig up a lot of dirt on you.

Two female teachers took a group of students from grades 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Flemington race course, to watch horse racing. When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their ‘wee-wees’ to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry. As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, "You must be in Grade 3?" "No ma'am", he replied. "I am the jockey riding Black Caviar in the next race, but I really appreciate your help."

Apparently MyPenis is not long enough but HisPenis is.

I have good news and bad noose

Because it’s Kneady, but honestly it just loafs you so much.

He sits next to the beaver and notices it looks upset. So he asks it what was wrong. The beaver said it lost it's job that day. And the guy exclaims "Oh damn!". And the beaver says "How did you know?!"

The barber asks, "Got any vacation plans"? The customer replies, "The wife and I are going to Italy." "Ahh bullshit," the barber barks. "Italy is overrated, why do you want to go anyway? I went and it's terrible. The food is awful, the Romanesque architecture is old and dirty, the people are rude and aloof, the weather is hot and rainy, and when I tried to see the pope I could barely make out the top of his head through the millions of people in St Peter's Square." The customer is surprised by the barber's visceral reaction, and sheepishly states that he already bought the tickets so he has to go. A couple of months later, and the customer is back in the barber's chair. "Aren't you the guy who went to that crappy country Italy?" "Yeah, we went and had a great time. The food was better than I imagined, the Romanesque architecture was breathtaking and awe-inspiring, the people were polite and friendly, the weather was beautiful and sunny, and when we went to see the Pope I could barely make out the top of his head through the millions of people in St Peter's Sq. Gradually, the sea of people parted as if by magic and I could see the pope walking toward me with his gold scepter. When he got close enough to me to be heard I dropped to one knee and he said, "Who gave you that awful haircut."

So he went to watch a video on how to overcome shyness and talk to girls. In the video, the coach made a demo where he approched a girl and asked her to guess a number from 1 to 9. The girl said 4, so the coach smiled and replied that the number she picked was the right one and that he can give her a kiss as a gift. So the shy person went to apply what he learned, he approached a girl asked her to guess a number and when she answered 5 he was very disappointed.

I told him it’s the only way I win arguments. He said, “What do you mean *you* win?” Now we both have to see a therapist.

They made it back.

A neuroscientist is giving a TED Talk on the nature of addiction. He says, “We’ve discovered the brain forms stronger reward loops from novelty and unpredictability than from the act itself. It’s why people become addicted to gambling, social media… even love.” A voice from the crowd yells, “And anal?” The neuroscientist pauses. Takes a slow sip of water. Then says, “Especially if you didn’t expect to like it.”

As he was pouring my next beer, I told him “I have a tip for you that will let you sell 25% more beer.” His eyes lit up with interest so I gave him my advice: “Just fill the glasses up to the full line.”

"You should put up heavier curtains in your bedroom," one man says. "I could see you making love to your wife last night." "That shows how good your eyesight is," says the other with a laugh. "I wasn't even home last night!"

Turns out I was too drunk to drive the bus as well.

A milk-white Eastern dude headed West for the good of his health, and invested in a saloon. The seller advised him that folks thereabouts were mostly friendly, but if ever he heard that Big John was a-coming to town, he should light out of there real quick. So one day our dude is tending bar when the batwing doors burst open and a panicky looking townsman yells "Big John's a-coming!". Moments later the bar is deserted, the batwing doors flapping back and forth, a dart in mid-flight settles in the board, the piano dies away to silence, and the wheel o'fortune is still spinning down in the corner, and the dude is just picking himself up off the floor. Then he hears a thunder of hooves and before he can do anything, a giant of a man rides up on a buffalo, dismounts, punches the buffalo between the eyes and snarls "Stay there!" and tosses the rattlesnake he was using as a whip into a corner of the bar-room as he barges up to the bar. "Gimme a beer!" he barks, and the dude complies straight away, and slides a whisky chaser next to it without being asked. The giant slams both of them down in two gulps, and the dude nervously asks if he wouldn't like another one. "Are you kidding?" roars the giant. "I'm a-gettin' outta here! Don't you know Big John's a-coming?"

Look Ma! It's shooting Starlettes!

With the pizza, you can eat the crust.

He approaches and sees a woman with no arms and legs laying on a towel. “Is everything okay?” He asks “No” she says “because I have no arms or legs I’ve never been kissed” The man looks around to be sure no one is looking and then leans down and gives the woman a kiss. “Oh thank you so much!” She exclaimed. The man jogged along, happy he could help the woman. The very next day the man is jogging along the beach and again hears a woman crying. As he approaches he sees the same woman and again asks what’s wrong. “Well, as you can see I have no arms or legs and therefore have never been fucked” she says. The man looks around nervously to be sure nobody is looking, quickly picks the woman up and tosses her into the ocean and yells: “There! Now you’re fucked!”

What do you call a flying horse with a prosthetic leg? A peg-legasus